What Matters
by bigprisc1
Summary: AU - What matters in life?
1. 1 What Matters

Carmen tried to lift her tired eyelids, but she only managed to get it halfway up. Her vision was blurred as she scanned the room. It was only a minute ago that she forced herself to sleep, but the sharp pain at the base of her spine jolted her back awake. She shifted slowly, trying to get herself into a more comfortable position.

As her vision cleared up, she lifted her heavy head and glanced around the room. It was glaringly white, and she squinted her eyes more to block out the light coming from the windows beside her bed. She turned to her right avoiding the sun and caught sight of old Mrs Walters. Mrs Walters was sleeping very soundly, snorting occasionally.

Directly opposite her bed was a skinny teenage girl whom Carmen came to know as Charmaine. She wore a cap that hid the bald patches surrounding her head. Carmen noticed a teenage boy sitting by the side of Charmaine's bed and he was feeding her congee.

Carmen sighed with affection and brought her head back down onto the pillow. She was very tired and tried to will herself back to sleep. But as she closed her lids again, she got the sudden urge to hurl. She used a great deal of strength just to sit up and by the time she was ready to get out of the bed, she was feeling too dizzy and nearly fell off the side of the bed.

Charmaine noticed Carmen getting of the bed and gave a yelp when she saw that Carmen nearly fell off the bed. Her boyfriend rushed over to help Carmen, but he wasn't as fast as Shane was.

* * *

Shane walked into the ward with a great amount of sadness. She looked around and got depressed at the sight of all the equipment and drugs that the nurses were carrying around. The place smelled of disinfectants and death. Shane shook her head hard to rid herself of the depressed thoughts.

Everyday for the past 2 weeks, she had gone through the same ritual. She would shake her head hard and then smile her most brilliant smile. She didn't want Carmen to see her unhappy, that would upset her a lot more then it should.

Shane looked at the box of cookies that she was holding, trying to draw comfort from it. Jenny had baked them especially for Carmen and instructed Shane to bring it to her dear friend at all cost. Shane smiled, thinking of how the cookies would cheer Carmen up. She was sure that Carmen wouldn't be up to eating much. But even a small bite would make Shane happy, at least her mission was accomplished.

The thought of Carmen being happy gave Shane the courage she needed as she made her way to Carmen's room. She drew in a deep breath before pushing the door open.

As Shane walked into the room smelling the cookies, she caught sight of Carmen struggling to get off the bed. Shane walked swiftly and soundlessly towards her girlfriend and caught her girlfriend in lightning speed when she saw that she was going to fall.

"Carmen! Are you okay!" Shane lowered her voice with concern.

She put her arms around Carmen protectively and peered at her for signs of discomfort. When Carmen pointed to her mouth and made a hurling action, Shane lifted her swiftly around the waist and helped her to the bathroom.

Shane patted Carmen's back softly as Carmen hurled into the toilet bowl. She was careful about not making contact with the lower part of Carmen's back, having gone thru this routine for a week now. She held back the tears and softly encouraged Carmen.

After vomiting all the acidic liquid out, Shane helped Carmen rinse her mouth and guided her back to the bed. When she neared Charmaine's bed, she nodded appreciatively at the both of them and murmured a thank you.

As Carmen settled back on her bed, Shane turned to pour her a glass of water.

"Baby, I'm so glad you're here."

"And I am glad I caught you before you did something stupid like getting out of bed without help." Shane scolded mockingly.

Carmen pouted as she accepted the water from Shane, "I wanted to hurl and it was too late to call for help."

Shane pushed a little button at the side of Carmen's bed until it came up to a more upright position. She sat on the bed, one arm placed protectively across Carmen's thighs.

She looked at Carmen with a big grin and lovingly stroked her cheeks.

Carmen finished sipping the water and Shane helped her place the glass down. Seeing that Carmen was feeling much better, Shane brought her face down for a kiss.

Carmen stopped Shane by placing a finger onto Shane's lips. And Shane gave a confused and amused look.

"I just hurled…"

"I know."

"It's disgusting, Shane."

"I don't care."

Shane lifted Carmen's hand from her lips and placed it on her heart. She closed in for a kiss and slowly ran her lips across Carmen's gently, knowing that her mouth sores would probably be bothering her.

Shane felt Carmen melting into her arms as she lifted her other arm to embrace her. After they tore their lips apart, Shane held Carmen in her arms securely for a moment longer before breaking the embrace slowly.

Satisfied, Shane grinned widely at Carmen. "Besides, I helped you rinsed your mouth, so I know that you are clean as a whistle."

Carmen lifted the corner of her lips in an attempt to smile, but fatigue had set in once again, and she didn't have the energy to response. She leaned forward and buried her head into the nape of Shane's shoulders, relishing in the comfort and warmth that Shane gave.

Shane frowned slightly, but the doctor advised her to keep Carmen happy and distract her from the pain. She forced herself to smile and said lightly.

"Hey, I cajoled Jenny into baking cookies for us. It's your favorite macadamia and choc chips."

Carmen wanted to lift her head to look into Shane's eyes, but she didn't have the strength, so she stayed put where she was.

"Really, that is nice, but where are the cookies?"

"Shit. Yeah where are they?" Shane laughed as she tried to look around for the cookies.

"Right here."

Shane lifted her head and her gaze met the guy that was with Charmaine. He placed the bag onto the side table of the bed.

"Hi, I am Rich, Charmaine's erm… boyfriend." Rich said glancing nervously at Charmaine. Shane turned a little to see a beaming Charmaine. She smiled at Charmaine and then back at Rich. She must have dropped the bag in her haste to get to Carmen.

"Thank you Rich." Shane said appreciatively.

Carmen twisted her head slightly so that she could peer at this Rich, and smiled as best as she could while mouthing "Ditto" slurrishly.

Shane knew that the effects of the drugs had wore off and the pain had somewhat subsided, and Carmen was now ready for sleep. She lifted Carmen gently off her shoulder and placed her head back onto the pillow. Then she restored the bed to its original position. As she gazed lovingly into Carmen's half shut eyes, she brushed a stray lock of hair away from her girlfriend's face, and placed a tender kiss onto Carmen's lips.

Carmen smiled as she drifted to sleep, and once Shane was sure that Carmen was comfortable, she settled into the armchair beside the bed and started reading the novel that she brought along with her.


	2. Strength

In her sleep, she could distinctively feel a finger tracing a path along her hairline, fingertips brushing the stray strands of hair that were falling over her face.. Shane groaned as she felt the fingers following an imaginary path leading to her lips. Her mouth went dry in anticipation of the fingers gently nearing her lips. Her lips parted, as the fingers ran softly across the outline. She groaned again, as the fingers made their way into…

Wait a minute! Shane thought as she came out of her slumber. Her eyes flew open and she stared straight into a pair of glimmering dark brown orbs. Shane was startled and she jumped up from the couch, nearly knocking the intruder over.

"What the f.. are you doing out of bed!" Shane growled, her voice went three pitches lower in panic.

Carmen stumbled and fell over onto Shane. But instead of getting up, she teasingly shifted around and made her way up along the length of Shane's body. As she tried to make herself comfortable atop of Shane, her hands 'accidentally' pressed on her girlfriend's breast as she made her way slowly up to sit on Shane's lap.

Shane groaned deep again in her throat. Part of her wantd this so much because it had been a long time since they were intimate. Shane didn't want to stop this, relishing in the feelings Carmen evoked in her by running the loving hands all over her.

But the other part of her knew that it's not right and she should stop this before Carmen got hurt. She tucked gently at Carmen's hand that was placed firmly on her breast, trying but not succeeding in stifling a moan that escaped through her lips. She closed her eyes, trying to savor the touch a moment longer, as well as to muster up the courage to stop Carmen before it got any hotter.

"Carmen…"

"I know, I know, we couldn't." Carmen let out a sigh before letting go of Shane's breast. She twisted around and sat comfortably on Shane's lap, drawing Shane's arms around her. Relaxing into the comfort that Shane provided.

Shane rested her forehead on Carmen's neck. She took few deep breaths to try and slow her racing heart. Carmen had got her all wet and she desperately needed to run to the bathroom for a cold splash of water to calm the raging fire building.

Instead, she gathered Carmen closer, only shifting slightly to ease the weight off her already wet groin.

"I missed you, Shane." Carmen whispered, her eyes closed peacefully as Shane slided her hands gently along the length of her arms.

"What? I come here everyday, Carmen!" Shane said, with a tinge of amusement in her voice.

"Ya know what I mean!" Carmen scolded, slapping Shane's hand lightly.

Shane chuckled before sighing as she rested her head on Carmen's shoulder. "I miss you too." Shane hummed, placing a feather kiss on the nape of her girlfriend's neck.

Carmen smiled as she turned and whispered teasingly into Shane's ear.

"Are you very wet?"

Shane chuckled uncomfortably, shifting a little before whispering back, "Yes…"

Carmen giggled into Shane's ear as she softly said, "I am too…"

Shane groaned again as she buried her face into Carmen's nape."

"Aw sexy, don't do this to me!"

Carmen laughed contentedly and placed a hand on Shane's cheek, turning her head slightly and planted a soft kiss onto Shane's lips.

Satisfied, Shane drew her lips back, but Carmen's tongue darted out and demanded entry. She balled up her hand into a fist with one solitary finger running along the length of Shane's cheeks to the tip of her chin.

Shane melted as Carmen's finger gained control of both her head and her mind. She opened her mouth slightly and Carmen's tongue wasted no time, taking advantage and trusting in to intertwine with Shane's tongue.

Shane must have completely lost her mind because she not only allowed Carmen to run her tongue around in her mouth, but she was actually returning the kiss feverishly. Her body working against her better senses as she trusted her groin up slightly to rub against Carmen's butt cheek. Her hands grabbing the arms of the armchair in a bear grip.

After a few moments more of hot kisses, they heard a little giggle and that startled both of them back into the living. They looked over to the source of the sound and saw Charmaine giggling, whispering something into Rich's ear. Rich turned a bright shade of pink as he tried to look away pretending he didn't see anything.

Carmen grinned before turning her attention back at Shane. "You naughty girl, you know ya not suppose to. Remember what the doctor told you…"

"Tease… bitch." Shane swore lightly, feeling very hot and bothered at the moment. It didn't help that a teenage couple had witnessed the display. She stared at her girlfriend with scolding eyes, but relented as she realized how pleased her Carmen was.

"Come on baby, let's take a walk." Carmen suddenly stood up. Clutching Shane's fingers in hers and tucking slightly for Shane to stand.

Shane stood quickly, afraid Carmen would tuck too hard and fall over. She frowned and said worriedly.

"Are you sure, ya feeling okay? No pain? When's your next medication?"

"Baby! Stop worrying, I'm feeling great. My next trip to hell doesn't start in..." Carmen glance up at the clock on top of the doorway. "… two hours."

"Ya sure?" Shane frowned.

"Aw, I need the fresh air baby, besides, I wanna go out now while I still feel great. Before I get nauseous and faint again."

Shane relented, seeing how eager Carmen was, but not before issuing an ultimatum. "Okay, we can go, but at the slightest sign of discomfort, we come back okay?"

"Okay." Carmen yelped happily, like a little kid taking a trip to the amusement park.

"I'm serious." Shane had finality in her voice and that made Carmen pout a little.

"Yes, yes geez… I promise that we would come immediately back when I feel tired or uncomfortable or nauseous or faint or…"

Shane silenced her blabbering girlfriend by placing a kiss firmly on her lips. After lifting her head, she walked over to gather the cookies that Jenny baked and held out her hand to Carmen.

Carmen giggled joyously as she held on tight to Shane's hand, their fingers intertwining firmly.

As they passed Charmaine's bed, Rich decided that it was best to hide his face behind the Times magazine that he had with him. Charmaine snickered before mouthing "hot" to Carmen and Shane. Shane blushed and looked away.

She caught sight of old Mrs Walters, still sleeping soundly in her bed. Mrs Walters was not snorting in her sleep anymore, she even wore a peaceful smile in her deep slumber. Shane was still gazing contentedly at Mrs Walters when Carmen pecked her on the cheek. She turned to her girlfriend and nodded, before leading Carmen out of the room.

* * *

"Bing"

The lift door opened, and Carmen immediately ran out of the building's back door into a small garden. She threw her hands up in the air and took a deep breath.

Laughing away, she spun around, glad to be in the open again. Shane instantly came up behind her to stop her.

"Careful there, peach."

"Relax baby, and stop calling me peach." Carmen chided in jest.

"But you are as cute as one!" Shane laughed.

"You just like Peaches. Admit it."

"That too. But there is a difference. I love you." Shane said sincerely.

Carmen smiled lovingly at her girlfriend before rewarding her with a kiss. She started twirling around again after she pulled away and Shane frowned.

"Hey, stop that."

"Okay…" Carmen giggled, then proceeded to skip around instead. Her hands came out to hold both of Shane's, pulling her into a little dance.

"Carmen…" Shane threatened.

"You would make an overly protective mother." Carmen teased.

"Yeah… well, right now, I am an overly protective girlfriend." Shane reprimanded. "Now stop it before you start feeling faint again."

Shane led Carmen to a bench and sat her down, and Carmen willingly went along, feeling all the love and concern that Shane was showing.

Carmen stared lovingly at Shane, who was busy opening the bag of cookies and scrutinizing the contents, oblivious to the fact that Carmen was tearing. As she handed her girlfriend a cookie, Shane saw the tears and panic bolted through her veins.

"Carm, baby, what's wrong, ya in pain? Hurting? Where!" Shane screeched, tears instantaneously welling in her eyes. Her fingers dropping the cookie as she cradled Carmen's face in her hands.

Carmen smiled as she shook her head slowly, leaning in comfortably into the arms of her pillar of strength.

"Thank you, for being here for me Shane. I love you."

Shane relaxed when she realized that the love of her life was fine. She scooted in closer to fully embrace her girlfriend. They held each other for a few more moments before Carmen pulled away excitedly.

"I wanna eat the cookies. I feel so good now that I could eat anything." Carmen wiped the tears off her face as she reached for the bag and looked at it's contents, picking out the one with the most chocolate chips.

"Yeah. Awesome." Shane grinned widely, captivated at the sight of her lover taking a bite into the sweet treat.

After a few bites, Carmen set the cookie down and straighten up, staring seriously at Shane.

"What?" Shane asked.

"I am gonna ask you something, please say Yes."

"I will do anything you want me to, ya know that peach." Shane said sincerely.

"Okay, I wanna take a puff. Just a few puffs."

"What! No way!" Shane hollered, catching the attention of the other people in the garden. She turned and smiled embarrassed, and they lost interest and returned to whatever they were doing.

"No, Carmen, you can't." Shane lowered her voice, but was still angry at the request. She didn't understand why Carmen was suddenly acting so weird. First the display of affection in the room, then the walk, the twirling around and now, she wanted a puff.

"Come on baby, only a few puffs is all I asked." Carmen pleaded, butting her eyelids seductively at Shane.

"Why." Shane sighed.

"Why what?" Carmen was still using the 'seduction' technique, but Shane wasn't buying it, she knew something was up, and she wanted to know exactly what.

"Why, are you acting all weird today. Tell me baby."

Tears started rolling around in Carmen's eyes as she looked down to her hands. A solitary tear escaped and dripped onto her hand and she absentmindedly wiped it off with her other.

Shane took both Carmen's hands and placed them near her heart, letting Carmen know that it was safe to tell her anything.

Carmen sighed as the tears started flowing freely, she brought her eyes up to meet the green orbs that were staring attentively at her. Defeated, she decided to be honest with the person she trusted with her life.

"I'm afraid Shane, so afraid." Carmen whispered softly.

Shane continued rubbing the back of Carmen's hands, silently encouraging her girlfriend to pour out her fears.

"I am afraid that I would never see the sun again, afraid that I wouldn't be able to enjoy life as I did. Most of all, I am afraid of never seeing you, losing you."

The silent tears turned into a stifled sob. And Shane gathered Carmen into her arms and hugged her protectively.

"Sssh… Peach, I will be here with you. You will make it, you will be fine, as good as new." Shane said reassuringly.

"It is not that easy Shane. All those pills for the chemo, the radiation. It is so uncomfortable. Sometimes I just wanna end it right there and then. Instead of going through all those hell trips."

"I know, baby, I know… Leukemia is a bitch. But you gotta hang in there. For me." Shane whispered, the tears welling up in her eyes as well. The many days of repressed feelings threatened to spill all over.

"What am I gonna do without you."

Carmen felt the cloth on her shoulder getting wet, and she lifted away to look at Shane.

Carmen felt the cloth on her shoulder getting wet, and she lifted away to look at Shane. She brushed the tears away from Shane's eyes, and Shane did the same for her. Both staring into each other's eyes for an eternal moment.

"Does this mean that I can get that cigarette now?" Carmen attempted one last time.

Shane laughed in spite of herself. She shook her head and mouthed "Noooo", before placing a kiss firmly on Carmen's lips.


	3. Courage

"Come on, peach." Shane pulled a reluctant Carmen out of the lift. Carmen whimpered as she let Shane drag her along.

"Do I have to…" Carmen was very tired, and Shane decided it was time that Carmen returned to the ward.

But Carmen didn't want the time in the garden with Shane to end. Returning to her room meant that it was time for her next dosage of chemotherapy. She made as many excuses as she could to keep Shane with her in the garden, but Shane firmly rejected all of her reasons for staying and Carmen had no choice but to follow.

She was developing a phobia for it, having gone through the routine for nearing two weeks now. She would start getting nauseous and faint, she wouldn't be able to smell or taste properly for the next few hours, which she most probably was going to spent slumped on the bed.

Then there were the mood swings that came along with the package. Most days she would be just too tired. But on one particular day, she felt so much anger in her that she leashed out on Shane, throwing punches at her and then actually slapping her across the face.

It had been a week now, and Shane had forgiven her completely, assuring her that it was all right. But Carmen was disgusted with herself, so pissed off for hurting the one she loved that she never wanted to go near the pills again.

Each time it was time for her treatment, she experienced anxiety and panic, unsure of how her body would react. She couldn't take it any longer, and as the days passed, it was getting more and more difficult for her to swallow the pills.

Now, against her better judgment, she was acting like a spoiled child. Refusing to return to the ward, throwing a tantrum that anyone with less patience would have murdered her. She couldn't help herself, she knew she should be brave and accept the treatment if she wanted to get better. But there were so much anxiety in her that was turning into anger. And she was so close to leashing out on Shane again.

"No… I don't want to, Shane… I…" Carmen broke down. The tears flowing freely down her cheeks and her limbs gave way, her whole body went soft and she nearly fell onto the floor.

Shane immediately gathered Carmen in her arms, whispering soft encouragement into her girlfriend's ear.

"It's gonna be okay, baby, I gotcha… Don't worry, this time it would be just fine."

Having gone through this routine for two weeks, Shane had been used to the extreme reactions from her baby. She knew that it was very difficult for Carmen, in so many ways that she wouldn't understand. And all she could do was patiently encouraged her girlfriend.

Shane cursed the heavens for the pain that Carmen was going through. 'I was the bad person, why didn't you take me instead.' Shane asked God. Of course, God didn't reply as usual, and Shane had to accept whatever was thrown to her.

Because she couldn't take her girlfriend's place, she did all she could for her girlfriend. She coaxed and pacified her as best as she could, no matter how much Carmen was acting up or how difficult she got. Shane just patiently stood by her, loving when needed and stern when necessary. She didn't know if she was going about all this right, never coming in contact with anything of this scale before. But she did all that thought she should. And right now, that would mean as much loving as possible.

"Carmen, you will get through this, I will be here with you."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I am acting like this…" Carmen sobbed.

"Ssh peach. I understand, I'll be here, but you will have to promise me you'll behave." Shane coaxed gently.

"I… will. Don't leave me."

"I am not going anywhere."

Shane guided Carmen slowly back into the room. Carmen had by now stopped sobbing and a glimpse of the courageous and daring self shown through the frail exterior.

As Shane sat her baby down onto the upright bed, she busied herself fluffing the pillows, pulling the blanket, than pouring a glass of water for her dearest.

Carmen sighed, leaning back onto the nicely fluffed pillow. Trying hard to curb the anxiety building up in her. She closed her eyes for a moment holding Shane's hand close to her heart when she heard a voice boomed into the room.

"Good afternoon, dearie!"

"Hey, Jan" Shane greeted the nurse in-charge, a plump elderly lady.

Nurse Jan took one look at Carmen and frowned. She placed her hand protectively onto Carmen's forehead and wiped the beads of perspiration off.

"Crying again? You poor dear. But don'cha worry, your good little girlfriend here will take good care of you." Nurse Jan said, throwing a big smile at Shane.

Shane cleared her throat embarrassed, and looked away to the floor. Nurse Jan gave out an amused laugh before she went through her usual routine of taking Carmen's pulse and temperature, chatting with the girls as she went about her duties.

As she handed the three offensive pink pills to Carmen, Nurse Jan smiled.

"Well, the good news is, you have only 5 dosages left before your holiday."

Shane grinned widely at that. She knew that with every two weeks of hell, her Carmen could take a week rest without the pills. That meant that Carmen could go home in 2 days time, away from this depressing institution.

She gave Carmen a squeeze on the hand and handed her the glass of water she prepared. Carmen smiled weakly as she turned back and stared at the pills blankly. With another reassuring squeeze of Shane's hand, she quickly downed the pills and accepted the water from Shane. Gulping it down all the way, eyes closed to block out all the fear.

"That's a good girl now." Nurse Jan hollered smilingly. "What time is your dear momma coming? She promised me the Jalapeno dish recipe."

Shane shot an aghast look at Nurse Jan. Both Carmen and Nurse Jan were oblivious as Carmen glanced at the clock. "In about an hour's"

"Good, just give me a ring when she gets here." With that, Nurse Jan patted Carmen on shoulder and headed out of the room.

Carmen laid her head back onto the pillow as Shane instinctively pushed the button to restore the bed to it's original position. She stroked her girlfriend's arm as the drugs started to make Carmen tired.

As they chatted about nothing in particular, Carmen noticed that Shane looked uncomfortable. She caught Shane glancing at the doorway and the clock above it every few minutes. And she knew why.

When Shane unconsciously turned to the clock again, Carmen spoke with sadness in her eyes.

"You gotta go somewhere?"

"Huh?" Shane turned back and stared at her girlfriend blankly. Shane swallowed an imaginary lump in her throat and hesitated.

"Er. Yes, I gotta get to a gig, but there is still time. I will stay here till you fall asleep."

Carmen sighed, accepting the excuse that Shane gave. She understood completely and decided to let her go.

"Which is soon baby, I am very tired.

Shane heaved a sigh of relief, but quickly recomposed herself to look at Carmen, she knew Carmen understood, and was giving her a way out. Appreciatively, she placed a soft kiss on Carmen's forehead and her fingers brushed lovingly on the same spot.

Carmen closed her eyes and pretended to fall asleep. She could feel Shane gazing at her lovingly for a moment longer before she felt the soft lips come down on hers. She sighed and contentedly, began to really drift off to sleep.

When Shane was sure that Carmen was asleep, she gathered all her stuff and headed out of the door quickly. The nurses that knew Shane greeted her goodbye, but Shane didn't notice at all, focusing instead on getting out of the place as quick as possible.

She zig zagged pass all the obstacles that were blocking her way, never once stopping until she came up to the elevator. As she peered at the numbers above the door, she realized that there were 10 levels to go before the elevator would arrive and shifted her feet impatiently. She looked around paranoid, contemplating on taking the stairs. The rational side of her decided against it and Shane twitched around as she stared at the blinking numbers ascending.

When the elevator door opened, Shane darted in quickly as an elderly Latin woman made her way out. Shane knocked into her in her haste, and the bags that the lady was holding went flying around.

"Sorry." Apologetically, Shane helped the lady gather all her bags. The woman smiled warmly at Shane before turning back to the wards. Shane quickly dashed back into the elevator and impatiently pressed the down button.

In the safety of the confined space, Shane slumped at one corner of the elevator, wiping the beads of perspiration that formed around her forehead. She couldn't wait to get out of the place, making a mental escape plan from the building out to the carpark and back to her Jeep. She knew that Carmen was very upset. But she couldn't stick around… she couldn't face her mother.

Mother…!

Shane thought back to the lady's face. She was Latina and had the same distinctive nose that Carmen had. The eyes and the smile were different. But overall, she looked so similar to Carmen that she could be Carmen's… gasp… mother!

"Bing."

Shane jumped at the sound of the elevator when it reached the ground floor. All Shane could think of now was to run as fast as she could to her Jeep, somehow she believed that her mind would be clearer and she could think better if she was in a familiar territory.

Following the route of her escape plan, she got to the carpark in no time, slamming her back onto the side of the jeep heaving heavily with relief. 'That was fucking close!'

Carmen had wanted Shane to meet her mother for a long time. But Shane never gathered enough courage to agree to a family dinner. It wasn't that she didn't want to, she would love to be able to be included in every aspect of her girlfriend's life. Somehow, it just didn't seem right just yet.

She knew that Carmen had been very upset about it, and she was grateful to her girlfriend for the fact that she didn't push. Shane had ran out so many times, but Carmen had never made any comments about it, nor did she once forced her to doing anything she didn't wanted.

Shane stomped her feet on the ground in anger. How could she let her girlfriend down like that? The only wish that Carmen had, she couldn't fulfill.

"Is it really that difficult Shane." Shane murmured under her breath. Maybe it would not be as bad as she thought. She let her thoughts wondered back to the elderly lady she bumped into. "She looked kind enough Shane…" Shane berated herself. She imagined how this lady would hug her in a loving embrace and say "Welcome to the family, chica" in a thick Spanish accent.

So was it really that difficult? Shane drooped her shoulders and sighed. "Yes."

Defeated, Shane climbed into the driver side. She hesitated for a while before turning on the engine, feeling an urge to throw caution into the wind and to go back up to the room. But the coward in her steered her away and she drove out of the carpark.


	4. Family

"Shane." Carmen purred contentedly as she felt a peck on her cheeks.

"Shane Shane Shane. Who is this Shane?"

Carmen realized that it wasn't her girlfriend that just pecked her. She had a nagging suspicion that it was her mother, and when she opened her eyes, lo and behold, her mother stared straight at her.

"Momma!" Carmen giggled and lifted up to hug her mother. She planted a firm kiss on the elder woman's cheek and rested her head in her mother's embrace.

"I am starting to think, you are making this Shane character up? What you think this is? TV show?" Carmen's mother, Mercedes scolded lightly, smiling at the display of affection that her daughter was showing.

Carmen didn't know what else to do but laugh uncomfortably. Shane didn't have the guts to meet her mother, but she couldn't tell her mother that. Shane could only remain as a well-kept secret for the moment.

"Shane's afraid to meet you, Momma…" Carmen giggled again.

"What. This Shane got three eyes? No nose? Ears that hanged to the knees." Mercedes lifted an amused brow.

Eager to change the subject, Carmen shrieked as she spied a little plastic container.

"What did you bring me Momma, I hope it is my fave…"

"Change the topic. Every time we talk about this Shane, you change the topic. Yes yes, I made your favorite Leche frita."

Carmen stuck out her tongue in glee and bounced lightly on her bed. She was glad for the distraction away from the subject of Shane.

Carmen secretly let out a sigh in relief. It wasn't the time to broach on this subject. She knew that her mother was anxious to meet Carmen's partner. But she also knew that her mother trusted her wholeheartedly, she could see how well her daughter had got on under the care of this particular Shane. Well, until this dreadful illness came up about anyway.

Mercedes busied herself with the custards while reporting about the going ons at home. Carmen sighed again and turned to her side sadly. She didn't want to lead her mother on. But at the moment, it was easier to just let them assume whatever they want. It wasn't as if they didn't have enough things to worry about.

"So anyway, your brother Ricardo is coming back from Japan tonight and coming straight here to do the blood test."

"That is nice of hermano… Where is Rodrigo?"

"That little sneak. He skipped school today to go roller-blading. So I grounded him for a week, and he has to study for his chemistry."

Carmen threw her head back and laughed at the antics of her little brother. She wasn't around to cover his arse anymore, and so the not so bright boy got caught.

"Don't think I don't know you have been covering for him."

"Aww, momma, I promise the next time I will report him straight to you."

"You better." Mercedes scolded.

Trying to change the subject again, Carmen picked up the fritas and bit into in.

"I love your fritas, momma." Carmen said in between bites. Truly, she had loved her mother's fritas, but now, she couldn't actually taste any of the sweetness. The bites she struggled to chew were bland and the oil stang at her mouth sores. The fritas could be bitter and Carmen wouldn't know. The effects of the pills had kicked in and she felt queasy from the smell of the fried treats. Not wanting to worry her mother though, Carmen pretended to savor the little delicacies and made all the right sounds she remembered that came along with it.

Just then, Nurse Jan came strolling in with her sister Anna and Carmen shrieked again in delight. Anna was her closest sister and had flown in from Yale, taking a break from school to take care of her. Carmen had insisted that she could take care of herself, saying that Shane would take good care of her, but Anna refused to budge. Touched as she may be, Carmen knew that the situation would be even more complicated now.

"Anna!" Carmen threw her arms out to hug her sister.

"How was the tests?" Mercedes asked in concern.

Anna just shrugged her mother off as she drew back from Carmen. "It was fine, a few needles here and there. The results would be out in a few days."

Anna had herself tested to see if she could be a potential bone marrow donor for Carmen. With tears dancing in her eyes. Carmen reached out to hug her sister again, asking if it hurt.

"What I want to know if you are better." Anna said thoughtfully.

Carmen waved the concern off, smiling at the concern that her sister was showing her. Tears choked up in her throat, threatening to make their way down, but she willed it away. Not wanting to add to the heavy hearts of her family.

* * *

Shane reached the set of the movie "Blinking" an hour early. After setting her things down in the makeup trailer, she stepped out into the sun for a smoke.

Making herself comfortable on the make-shift rest benches, Shane lighted her first cigarette of the day and whooped out her trusty novel, trying to immense herself into it. She could always count on Jenny's out of the world novels to take her mind off the grim reality that she was facing. Only in the books could she finally let her tired mind rest without fear or phobia working on overdrive.

It was so much easier to follow the stories of the protagonist that fought with the bad guy to triumph at the end of the day. "If only real life was as simple." Shane sighed again.

She wondered if she was the protagonist or the antagonist at the moment. Was she letting her girlfriend down by shutting her family out? Would Carmen feel better knowing that Shane loved her with all her heart? Is that enough?

Even though she was supposed to lose herself in the novel, Shane couldn't help but let her thoughts drift back to Carmen. Not a single page of the book was turned and she was already on her fourth stick of cigarette.

"You are smoking too much."

Shane jumped, dropping her cigarette and burning her finger in the process. She turned to find Alice setting herself down on the bench across the table.

"What the fuck. Al! what are you doing here?" Shane hollered in a low voice.

"I haven't seen you in a while, so I thought I would drop by since I was in the neighborhood." Alice shrugged.

"You work across the street, you are always in the neighborhood." Shane laughed. "How did you get in here?"

Alice shot a 'duh' look at Shane. "I am a reporter."

But Shane just continued staring at Alice blankly.

"I was doing an interview and so I have a visitor's pass, okay?" Alice explained as she would to a three year old.

Shane laughed again whole-heartedly. She stood up and crossed the table to pull Alice into a big hug. As Alice tried to pull away, Shane hanged on, needing a shoulder to lean on at the moment.

Alice immediately got the idea and stroked Shane's back. She understood that Shane was in tremendous pressure right now. The only places she ever went to were the studio and the hospital now. Shane definitely needed someone to take care of her while she took care of her girlfriend.

"How are you doing?" Alice asked softly as she continued stroking Shane's back.

Shane just mumbled something inaudible, closing her eyes and resting her heavy heart.

When at last Shane let go of Alice and they both sat down, Alice took a good long look at her friend and was shocked to see the dark eyebags and the visible weight loss.

"You haven't been eating?" Alice questioned.

Shane sighed and shook her head lightly, pulling out her pack of cigarettes to light another stick.

"And you haven't been sleeping."

Shane turned her head and looked at Alice with defeated eyes. She desperately needed to confide in someone right now. Though she could pull through everything else without ever bothering her friends with her problems, it seemed this time she couldn't take it anymore. Alice was one of the closest people to her, her own family, and probably one of the best person to understand herself.

"Al, I cannot stop thinking about how I have let Carmen down." Shane sighed.

"Huh? How have you let her down?" Alice was surprised that Shane was willing to open up to her, but she didn't know what to make of Shane's words.

"She wants me to meet her family. But… I can't." Shane dropped her eyes to her shoes as she took another drag of her cigarette.

"Why not?" Alice whispered encouragingly, edging Shane to go on.

"Because… Her family doesn't know… That…" Shane drifted off in her thoughts again.

"That you are a woman."


	5. Honesty

"Where is this boyfriend of yours today?"

Carmen stared at her sister blankly for a moment before she realized that Anna was referring to Shane. Her family never knew that she was gay. Not her mother, her step-father, not even her closest sister, Anna.

It wasn't that they were overly traditional, it was just that she had never found a way to break the news to them. They never knew of this 'other life' she led, and trusting her as they did, never suspected anything.

It wasn't that Carmen went all out to keep them in the dark. The thing was, she never met anyone she would be comfortable enough to introduce to her family, male or female. All the friends that she had brought home for dinner were, really, just friends. Her family members never questioned her about it, accepting it as it is. But lately, because of her illness, the subject Shane came up more often then not.

"Erm… Shane left for work just a while ago. You just missed he…him." Carmen corrected herself as quickly as possible. She prayed to the stars above that her mother and sister didn't pick up on her slip of tongue.

As she looked back and forth between her sister and her mother, she heaved a sigh of relief. Her mother was telling Nurse Jan about the Jalapeno recipe and was hardly paying attention to their conversation.

And Anna, Anna was concentrating on the task of peeling an orange.

As she handed Carmen a piece, Carmen looked at her for signs of uneasiness, but she confirmed that Anna most probably didn't hear it.

"Too bad then, I would love to meet him, if what you are telling us about him is true. Caring, selfless, devoted. I wish I had someone like that." Anna shrugged.

Carmen just looked away in shame, nibbling at the orange. The feelings inside of her were all jumbling up. How could anyone feel disappointed, ashamed, relieved, happy and sad all at the same time? And those were only the ones she could make out.

She was amazed at the fact that Shane had never crossed paths with her family here in the hospital, and the bigger miracle was that everyone in the hospital knew about them, 'the cute lesbian couple', but word had never gotten to her family.

And somehow she was disappointed. She had hoped for the easy way out, that her mother found out from some innocent passer-by, and then she didn't have to do the telling herself. But she knew that it would be severely damaging to her relationship with her family, and that all the trust they had in her would instantly shatter into pieces.

'One step at a time Carmen, take one step at a time.' Carmen sighed internally. She looked up and realized that Anna was still talking away about this crush she had in college. Doing the usual nodding and 'ahuh' without actually hearing a word, Carmen was too caught up in thoughts to actually take in anything right now.

* * *

"Have you ever thought that, maybe Carmen would like you to be there for her when she out herself to her family." Alice patted Shane on the shoulder.

"That's the thing see, I know that is exactly what she wants. But I don't know if I can take that responsibility." Running her hand through her tussled-up hair, Shane heaved a breath of exasperation.

"Then have you thought that, maybe she is drawing courage from you, just like you drew courage from her?" Alice continued.

Her hand froze on top of her head as she turned and stared at Alice.

"Shane, I can see how much you have grown since you are with Carmen. You stand in the face of adversity like you never did before. Seriously, I half expected the old Shane to run away when hit with a disaster like illness. But the new Shane, the new Shane that I am loving very much stood by her woman. And I know it is because of Carmen."

Shane dropped her face and buried it in her hands as Alice continued.

"Don't let the old Shane resurface. No responsibility is too great to take if it involves the woman you love most."

"Then why did you let Dana go?" Shane quipped.

Alice looked at Shane in silence, not knowing how to answer that question. Even though she still loved Dana, they had decided to call it quits as lovers and return to being friends again a year ago. Alice was still hurting, and even though Shane wasn't around for the last few months, Shane could still tell that Alice hadn't recovered fully.

The two women sat there in silence, each pondering their own set of problems.

Just then, Shane's cell phone rang, breaking the train of thoughts both women were having. Shane checked the called ID and it was Tina calling.

"Hey mama."

"Hey Shane, how have you been." Tina said over the other end of the line.

"Great as I can be, I guess. Whassup?"

"Well, we are on our way to Carmen's room now. Wondering if you are around as well."

Shane turned to Alice with a horrified look on her face.

* * *

"Hey girl!" Bette walked into the room with Angelica in her arms. Tina followed behind, hanging up her cell phone as she took her turn to hug Carmen.

"Hey, thanks for coming." Carmen said appreciatively.

"I'm sorry we couldn't be here more often." Bette apologized as Angie made a fuss and reached out to her Aunt Carmen.

Carmen grabbed the little toddler and said, "Don't be, really. I really appreciate the fact that you are here. Hey you kiddo."

Carmen started cooing the little toddler.

Mercedes stood up from the armchair she was resting on and cleared her throat. Taking the hint immediately, Carmen flustered as she made the introductions.

"Momma, these are my very good friends, Bette and Tina, and their little sweetie here, Angie. This is my mom and my sister Anna."

Anna was immediately taken with Angie and murmured a quick 'hi' before transferring her attention to the toddler. Mercedes started making smile talk with Bette and Tina sat down by the bed so that she could talk to Carmen.

"Can I take her to the window?" Anna asked Tina, knowing that they probably needed to talk a bit. Carmen smiled gratefully to her sister and Tina nodded.

"So, how are you doing?" Tina smiled unsurely as she rubbed her hands along Carmen's arms.

"Very well, thank you." Carmen smiled back.

"Good. So you would come to Angie's second birthday party next week?"

Carmen stared at Tina before taking a glance at Angie. She loved her little niece to death, and would love to attend her important day. But…

"I can't. I wouldn't be good company, it would be unfair for the other guests too." Carmen was giving excuses, truth was, she didn't want to face the outside world and having to answer question after question of concern. She didn't want others to treat her like an invalid, and she didn't need strangers to come up to her to voice their support.

"Nonsense! Look Carmen, it would only be the few of us. We hadn't seen you for a while, and we hadn't seen Shane for as long. I am sure she would love to have family night. At least do it for her." Tina patted Carmen's shoulder.

Before Carmen could answer. Mercedes butted in.

"Oh so you know this Shane?"

Bette and Tina gave each other a look, and then looked at Carmen. Carmen just shrugged her shoulders and said nothing.

Anna, setting herself back down on the bed, came to Carmen's rescue as she handed the toddler back to Carmen.

"Our momma has this theory that Shane is an imaginary friend that Carmen made up." Bette and Tina chuckled uncomfortably, by the look of things, they had guessed that Shane hadn't gotten around meeting Carmen's family.

"Now we know Carmen is not making her boyfriend up." Anna added.

* * *

"Al. This sucks, I hope Bette and Tina don't blow anything up." Shane moaned.

"You have double trouble. Literally. First they don't know you haven't met her parents. Then they also don't know that Carmen is not outted to her family."

Shane shot Alice a 'duh' look. "Alice. You are not helping."

"Hey, just voicing the worst scenario, could be fine for all we know." Alice shrugged.

"What should I do." Shane moaned again as she sat her face down onto the table. Trust Bette and Tina to choose such an appropriate timing. Usually, they would call in advance if they were coming. Why in the world did they decide an impromptu visit today, Shane couldn't understand.

"Seriously, I think you should get on over there, Shane. Everything might go out of control. And Carmen would need you there." Alice stated softly.

Shane lifted her head to say something, but was cut off by a PA on the set.

"Shane! Miss Stiles has arrived in her trailer, and she has to get her hair done before the next scene. In an hour!"

Shane drooped her shoulders, frustrated that she had no time to think through what to do.

"I have to go. Work."

Alice just nodded her head. After Shane dashed into the makeup trailer, Alice shook her head lightly. Shane had got to stop avoiding the whole situation. She silently prayed that all would be well at the hospital.

* * *

"Boyfriend?" Tina asked in confusion. Bette immediately stepped up to her wife and placed her hand on Tina's shoulder. The look that Bette gave Tina was enough for her to understand what was going on. She laughed uncomfortably.

Angie chose this right moment to fuss and Tina was glad for the distraction from the uncomfortable silence.

Bette looked sympathetically at Carmen and smiled, but Carmen didn't notice. She was staring at her mother straight in the eye. Her mother's expression couldn't be read, neither was she angry nor was she sad. Carmen wasn't even sure if her mother picked up on the indirect inference.

Suddenly, Carmen felt a shiver shoot up her spine. It was a shiver of fear. Fear that everything that she had ever known or believed in was going to fall apart. She didn't know what the future would hold, but at the moment, it seemed like a very scary place to be in.

Carmen turned to look at her sister, but it seems she was safe there, her sister was still cooing at Angie and didn't seem to notice the tense silence in the room.

"So tell me about this Shane."

Mercedes was the first to break the silence. Bette exhaled a sigh of relief and commented while intertwining her hand with her wife to reassure her.

"Well. Shane is a hairstylist. Twenty-five six years, very good looking and very sweet to Carmen."

Carmen smiled gratefully at Bette as Bette continued.

"Don't worry, Mrs Morales, your Carmen is in very good hands with Shane."


	6. Communication

Pacing up and down the length of the room, Carmen only stopped once to smile weakly at Charmaine and Rich, and once more to look at Old Mrs Walters still laying asleep contentedly.

She had already changed out of her hospital gown and was dressed in the loose fitting baggy pants and sleeveless shirt. But instead of feeling the joy of going home, Carmen felt miserable. Her flashes of anxiety started after Bette and Tina left and it had escalated three fold to enomous proportions in the two days.

Anna had waited till Bette and Tina left before scurring over to Carmen and asked.

"So… Bette and Tina…" Anna started off apprehensive.

"Yeah?" And Carmen held her breath.

"They are gay? As in a gay couple?" There it was. The inevitable question.

"Yes…" Carmen sighed.

"I'd never thought I would say this, but I think they are a very gorgeous couple. It makes it, I don't know… look real somehow." Anna waves it off and continued, "How did you get to know them again?"

Carmen's face crumbled and her heart shattered into a million pieces. Tears welled up, threatening to go forth and conquer. Having displayed signs of disdain for homosexuals since young, Carmen had always suspected that Anna was abit of a homophobe, or at the very least, not very receptive to the idea. But now, to hear her say it really threw her off. She was in the midst of a life-changing illness and her sister managed to complicate it even further by brushing off the only lifestyle she had led for seven years now.

Trying to muster up words that refused to come, Carmen cleared her throat uncomfortably and took a deep breath in. "They… are… Shane's neighbors….and… and family." She managed in the end.

"That's cool." Anna said with nonchalance. Then she shrugged again, "I still don't think it is right though."

What Anna didn't know was that with her very casual words, she had managed to shake the very foundation of Carmen's world. The very basis of the lifestyle that Carmen had known was thrown right out of the window in this very short sentence. Carmen looked petrified, she felt horrible and queasy. She slumped back down onto her bed and closed her eyes, to stop the tears from falling.

"Anna, I think Carmen is very tired, let us go and let her rest." Mercedes instructed lightly.

Carmen opened her eyes at her mother's voice. Peering from between the bed bars, Carmen was still trying to look for signs from her mother. Did her mother know? Why hadn't the loud older Morales women screamed at her if she did. Knowing her mother, she knew it was almost impossible for Momma to keep so quiet at such a revelation.

"They don't know anything… they don't know anything." Carmen chanted to herself. Denial setting in deep.

* * *

Shane scurried into the room and stop shot of bumping into her girlfriend. She smiled at Carmen but Carmen only managed to lift one corner of her mouth in return.

Throwing her arms around Shane, Carmen clinged on tightly and refused to let go. No amount of cajoling could make her let go.

"Hey…" Shane could tell that her girlfriend was not herself the past couple of days. But no matter how hard she probed, Carmen would not say anything.

Fear had set in deep into her heart. Was Carmen upset at her because she didn't want to meet her family? Shane shuddered at the thought. Unable to decide if she should take the leap of death or disappoint Carmen, Shane decided it was best to leave things as it was for now.

"Peach?" Shane whispered as she tried to break the embrace. But Carmen held on tighter..

"Are we ready to go?" Shane whispered into Carmen's ear, nibbling lightly on the earlobe. She wanted to leave this hellhole as soon as possible. As she felt Carmen nodding weakly, a frown made it's way to Shane's brows.

"Let's go." Shane said again, a little more firmly this time. And Carmen nodded again, but made no move to let go.

Stroking her girlfriend's back, Shane lifted her eyes and caught Charmaine and Rich smiling at her sadly. Something was definitely up and the wheels in Shane's head spun frantically. Confrontation would have to come later though. Right now, Carmen needed her.

Shane gently tucked at Carmen's shoulder to break the embrace. She ran her finger across Carmen's cheeks lovingly before brushing her lips on the same spot. Pulling herself away, Shane made a move to grab the bags and the medication when Dr. Wasye walked in.

"Ah, all packed to go?" Dr. Wasye stated good-naturedly.

"Yeah. Thanks for everything, Doc." Shane said as she picked the bags.

"Good good, well, I'll see you in a week. Probably monitor you for a couple of days more before deciding if you could do out-patient therapy."

"That's great!" Shane hollered. She turned happily and pulled Carmen close and for the first time that day, Carmen actually smiled.

"Okay then, go on… Shoo." And then Dr Wasye walked over to Charmaine.

* * *

Carmen settled down on the couch. She hadn't said anything during the car ride, and really turning the chills on. Shane tried to make small talk but Carmen just refused to say anything. After arriving home, Carmen plonked herself onto the couch and Shane went to the kitchen to get her a glass of juice.

"Hey…" Shane settled beside Carmen and pulled her close into her arms. Carmen went willingly and laid her head onto her girlfriend's chest.

"I think it is very cool of your mother to allow you to come back here." Shane said lightly, desperately trying to make a conversation.

At last Carmen responded, "Anna wasn't too happy though."

"Your younger sister?" Shane asked, glad that Carmen was talking again. She tighten her hold and brought one of Carmen's hand up to her mouth to kiss her fingers.

"Yes… But Momma said that I should be where I want to."

"I'm glad you want to be with me." Shane whispered sincerely. She wondered if Carmen understood the other meaning to the words, that she was really grateful that Carmen chose her all those years ago. That her life was now complete because Carmen was in her life.

Carmen didn't answer. Her mind was thinking of all that Mercedes said to her. She replayed every word in her mind to find signs, but everything Mercedes had said could have gone either way.

"Go be with your Shane if you want to." "I think your heart is the most important thing at the moment." "As long as you are happy and healing well, I am happy."

What had all these mean? Did she or did she not know? Carmen couldn't stop thinking about it. And thinking about it was making her feel queasy again. It was like her mental clock was working, even though she wasn't taking the chemo pills today.

Shane took Carmen's silence wrongly, she wanted to ask Carmen about it, but before she said anything, Carmen shot up from the couch and ran to the bathroom.


	7. Love

"Are you feeling better, baby?"

Carmen answered with another round of guts spilling sounds. Shane kneeled behind Carmen, placing one hand on her girlfriend's shoulder and one hand started patting the small of her back. She planted a soft kiss on the back of Carmen's head before standing to walk towards the bathtub.

Shane ran the water at an appropriate temperature, her ears still very much in tune with the sounds Carmen made. When her girlfriend seemed to have quiet down, Shane crossed the bathroom to Carmen and helped her up.

Carmen had puked till there was nothing left. And being too tired to lift herself off the ground, was glad for the support of Shane's caring embrace. She leaned right into Shane's chest and allowed her girlfriend to guide her to the sink.

Running the tap and wetting her hands, Shane didn't mind the filth in and around Carmen's mouth as she brought her hand up to wipe her girlfriend clean.

But, embarrassment got the better of Carmen and she pushed the lanky hand away.

"I can do it myself." Carmen firmly stated.

Shane just shrugged and leaned on her girlfriend, running her hands up and down the length of her sides and nuzzling at her ear.

After Carmen finished brushing her teeth, Shane span her around and started to undress her. She tucked the latina's shirt loose and pulled it over the top of her head.

"Shane, what are you doing?" Carmen asked not too nicely, feeling very shitty after the puking.

"Getting you prepared for the bath." Shane answered lightly.

"I can do it myself." Carmen said again, she felt useless and couldn't see past her own misery and was taking it out on Shane, pushing her away.

"Let me help you. It would be my pleasure." Shane continued trying to lighten the mood.

Feeling rather weak, Carmen allowed Shane to take off the remaining items and walked her to the tub. After settling down in the water, Shane proceeded to sponge her girlfriend.

Carmen sighed in exasperation. "I am not an invalid, Shane."

"And nobody said you were." Was the reply Shane gave.

"Then stop treating me like one!" The last bit of restrain snapped and Carmen shouted out.

Shane was by now losing all her patience. Carmen had been pushing her away the past couple of days, she didn't know why, but it was very frustrating and she might do the unthinkable anytime.

She looked deep into Carmen's tired brown eyes, searching for the reasons behind all the tension. When she couldn't find any, she grimly said, " I just thought I'll treat you. Would you like me to go instead?"

Carmen looked defiantly at Shane.

The corner of Shane's mouth twitched a little and she balled her hands. Not wanting the tension to escalate further, Shane stood up and turned towards the door.

'What have I done!' Carmen hung her head in shame, she knew Shane was being loving but she couldn't stop herself from being a bitch and venting her anger. 'I'm gonna lose her!'

Terrified at the thought, Carmen called out to her love before she made it to the door, before it was too late.

"Shane! Don't go…." Carmen started tearing, she dropped her head back to the tub, not daring to face her girlfriend.

* * *

Shane had every reason to be angry and if she walked out, Carmen knew it was all her fault.

But Shane didn't go, she paused at the door and contemplated her next move. In the end, love triumphed above all and she walked back to the tub.

She ran her fingers softly across Carmen's cheeks to wipe away the tears. Grateful, Carmen pulled Shane in for a hug.

They held on for a long time, Shane's shirt soaked up the water from the tub and her collar got wet with Carmen's tears.

Shane pulled away gently and without words passing between them, Carmen helped her out of her clothes and she climbed into the tub behind Carmen.

Shane lathered the sponge and gently scrubbed her girlfriend's back before pulling her back to lay on her chest while she ran the sponge across the front of Carmen's body.

Carmen closed her eyes and relaxed as the strokes on her body created a rhythm that eased the tension in her veins away.

Feeling contentment, Carmen let out a little purr and smiled, probably one of the first genuine smile that day.

Shane dropped the sponge and twined her arms around Carmen's waist, drawing her in close.

Tracing a path down along Shane's arm, Carmen interlocked each of her own fingers with that of Shane's, and they both stared at their hands making love to one another.

Though Shane wanted the tranquility of the moment to last, she was still very troubled by the distaste that Carmen had shown. She decided that this would be a good time to broach the subject when they couldn't see face to face.

"Carmen…"

Carmen just murmured a 'mmm', still basking in the moment.

"Is something wrong?"

Fingers froze in mid air, and then Carmen dropped them back into the water and submerged beneath the foam.

"No."

"Then is it something I have done?" No answer. "It's just that… Fuck… I feel like you are shutting me out."

Still no answer.

Exhaling silently, Shane made a move to get out of the tub. Her arms dropping away from Carmen and Carmen didn't stop her. She dried herself sadly with a towel from the cabinet and laid one out for her girlfriend. As she turned back to look at Carmen one last time, she saw that her girlfriend was looking at her, expression unreadable. Shane sighed.

"Don't stay in the water too long." And she left the bathroom.

* * *

After dressing in a dress-shirt she used as a nightgown, Carmen followed the smell of chicken soup into the kitchen.

Shane was chatting lightly with Jenny. Upon spying Carmen standing by the doorway, Shane clutched her beer bottle tightly. Jenny jumped up immediately and hugged her friend.

"Carmen, I'm so glad you are back!" Placing a kiss on Carmen's forehead, Jenny took a look over her friend and smiled.

Carmen couldn't help but smile back as she allowed Jenny to guide her to take a seat at the dining table. As she sat herself down, Shane had already scooped a bowl of soup and set it in front of Carmen.

"Here, have a taste of the soup Jenny made."

"Thank you."

"No problem"

Jenny could feel the chills in the room. It was as if nothing was different. Shane was still doing her little loving things for Carmen, but Jenny could tell something was going on, they were too polite to one another.

 _"Is the soup okay?"_

 _"Yes. It's fine"_

 _"Do you need a drink?"_

 _"No, thank you."_

 _"Okay."_

On normal days, Shane couldn't tear her mouth away from Carmen's lips, even after two years, they were still acting so lovelorn it was sick. And during her visits to the hospital, she could see that the illness didn't do a thing except only to strengthen their love.

But today was different. Jenny looked back and forth between them. They were barely smiling, wearing a really grim look, it was as if someone died. "Wrong thought!" Jenny spat to her side.

Both Shane and Carmen looked up in unison at Jenny, and Jenny continued staring at them intently.

Feeling like little girls caught stealing at the candy store, they looked away at opposite directions almost simultaneously.

"Are you guys fighting?"

"Us? No…"

"No."

'Ah.' Jenny observed. Knowing the both of them, on normal days they would tongue and gross her out just to prove that they won't fighting. But then, normal couples wouldn't talk to each other in the first place if they were fighting. Jenny couldn't make head or tail of this really complicated situation and decided it was best to leave them be.

"Okay then, I'm gonna leave you guys who-are-not-fighting and go sleep. Early call tomorrow." Jenny had found a career as a stenographer after Burr Connor's autobiography "The Love Of Burr" was a raging success. Jenny wasn't credited of course, but she didn't care because calls had been pouring in for her to ghost-write. "I'm so happy that you are back Carmen."

Carmen hugged her ex-girlfriend and good friend. She had genuinely loved her, but because of her selflessness, she loved her even more. Only now it was in a different way.

She knew she had made the right choice two years ago. And Shane had proven that she was the right choice, loving her and changing so much for her.

The right choice. Did Shane make the right choice in her though? Would Shane give up on her if she knew what was about to happen? Was it fair to subject Shane to all her shit? Needing to feel close to Shane, Carmen reached out absentmindedly to hold Shane's hand, only to realize that Shane wasn't there anymore.

Shane had got up and collected the dishes. Sad that Carmen didn't seem to notice or bothered to acknowledge her after Jenny left, she bit back her tears and decided to find something to do.

Rinsing the plates one by one, she concentrated hard at the task at hand. Suddenly she felt a pair of arms engulfing her from behind. Carmen twirled her arms around Shane and held on tightly, resting her head on the back of Shane's shoulder.

"I love you." Carmen whispered.

Shane continued wiping the bowls, biting her lips while a single tear rolled down her cheek. She had heard the 'but' in Carmen's voice and waited for it to appear. She wished Carmen would scream at her like the last time they fought, at least then, it was less complicated.

When Carmen fell back into silence again. Shane sighed as she set the bowl down. Using her arms to support her body, Shane hung her head low.

"I'm scared Carmen, I'm scared of what you are not telling me." Shane murmured honestly in a weak voice.

Carmen pulled in closer. "I… I…" The words wouldn't come and Carmen just pressed in as far in as possible, as if using her actions to reassure Shane.

Shane turned around slowly and gathered Carmen securely in her arms. The ball was in Carmen's court now. All she could do was to be the loving girlfriend that she was. Whenever and whatever Carmen threw at her, she was going to take it in her stride. She would give up only if Carmen said so, and even then it wouldn't be without a fight.

"I love you. Very much." Shane mouthed on Carmen's forehead.

"I really love you, but I… I can'…"

"Sssh… Carmen, it's okay, tell me when you are ready. You know I will be here whenever that is."

"I'm very tired."

"Come, we should put you to bed now."

"Could you hold me in your arms, I'd missed that. And… I really missed you."

And Shane did, tucking her girlfriend into bed and settling in beside her. She engulfed Carmen in her arms and let her know as best as she could that she loved her.


	8. Appearances

"Hello you guys!" Bette greeted happily as she opened the door for her guests at the door. But there were only sounds of crickets as Carmen, Shane and Jenny stared hard at her, jaws agape.

"What is that thing on her head?" Jenny whispered to Shane. Carmen leaned in and offered, "I think they are feelers."

"Wha…? As in cockroach feelers!?" The confusion on Shane's face was priceless.

"They are Martian feelers, Angie loved them so we had to get them. So be nice!" Bette stated, not without annoyance. The three of them started laughing at the cheesiness of Bette's new look and they couldn't stop laughing even as they made their way into the house.

They laughed even harder when they found Tina and Kit sporting the same accessory and the laughter nearly turned into a hysterical fit, with Shane squatting on the floor trying to regain her breathing.

But when Kit walked over and handed them a set of feelers each, in horrendous shades of colors, the laughter died as rapidly as it came.

"Haven't you heard? The party theme is Martians." Kit raised a serve-you-right eyebrow at them.

"Aren't girls suppose to be from Venus anyway? At least no stupid feelers there." Shane grumbled as she took one set from Kit and put it on. Carmen placed a hand sympathetically on Shane's cheek and flashed her a big smile. She couldn't resist it when Shane was looking so cute with the added goofiness.

"Come, help me put mine on in the bathroom." Carmen teased as she led her grumbling girlfriend by hand. Shane flashed a seductive smile at Carmen and got a teasing kiss as a reward.

"No quickie in my bathroom, you hear me!" Tina caught the look in Shane's eyes and managed to get her instruction in before Carmen laughingly closed the door.

As soon as the door closed, Shane gathered Carmen into her arms and brought her lips in. The kiss lasted several minutes before Carmen murmured smilingly into the kiss, "Didn't you hear what Tina said?"

Shane only grinned as she continued her assault on her girlfriend's bottom lip. "Isn't that why you brought me in here?" Carmen had to laugh as she eagerly returned the kiss.

When the finally pulled apart from need of air, Carmen pushed at Shane's shoulders lightly. "No… I wanted you to help me put the feelers on."

"Fuck the feelers." Shane said huskily as she brought her face back down for another kiss. Carmen obliged but she pulled away before Shane had the chance to deepen the kiss.

She looked into Shane's eyes lovingly and then planted a kiss on her nose before turning to face the mirror. "Come'n, help me with the feelers."

"Mmmm…" was Shane's reply as she put her arms around Carmen's waist and nuzzled at her neck.

Carmen gathered her hair up and ran her fingers through her them. Shane continued nuzzling happily until she spotted a lump of brown mess on Carmen's hand as Carmen pulled her hand out of her hair. Stiffening immediately, she straighten and leaned over to take a proper look at the mess.

In Carmen's hand was a whole lump of hair that had fallen off as Carmen ran her hands through her hair. Bringing her eyes back up to their reflection in the mirror, Carmen could see the look of horror in Shane's eyes. She lifted the corners of her lips sadly as she bended to dispose of the mess in the toilet bowl.

"Wha.. what…" Shane couldn't find the right words to say. She had noticed that Carmen's luscious hair didn't looked as full as it had been, but she had put that down to 'no proper care'. Why hadn't she realized that it was because Carmen was losing her hair fast.

Seeing how her girlfriend had nearly gone into shock. Carmen turned and stroked Shane's face. "Shane, it's okay." Carmen shrugged, "It's been falling out since Chemo started. Just not as quick or as obvious as Charmaine's. And I hide the bald patches well."

Shane pulled Carmen in tightly for a hug, burying her face in the nape of her girlfriend's shoulder. The tears came and Shane willed them away, promising herself not to cry in front of her girlfriend.

But just thinking of how Carmen was dealing with this all alone was enough to make her heart ache. She knew how much Carmen had loved her hair, and how much time Carmen spent taking care of it. It pained her to know that Carmen had been keeping this a secret for so long. This pain turned to anger when she faulted Carmen for the same reason. Stepping away from her girlfriend, Shane leaned on the wall as she murmured accusingly.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There's nothing to tell. This is a side effect of chemotherapy and I have accepted it when I accepted the treatment. Carmen shrugged again. She extended her arms to hold Shane's hands, desperate to stay connected to her girlfriend.

"You should have told me." Shane grumbled but she didn't reject Carmen's hands, rubbing her fingers along the length of the latina's palm. She was hurt that Carmen didn't tell her, but at the same time, she understood why Carmen would keep it away from her, Carmen would want to stay normal as long as she could and telling her about the hair loss would turn her into a freak prematurely.

Carmen gave Shane's hands a tuck to lift her away from the wall and drew her back into her arms. Grateful to have such a loving girlfriend, she rested her head securely on Shane's shoulder as she whispered lightly.

"I promise you that you would be the first to know if anything happens." Carmen planted a kiss on the pale woman's jawline as if cementing her promise.

"Then would you tell me what had been bothering you?"

Carmen stiffen in Shane's arm and paused like that for a moment before drawing away and turning back to the mirror.

"Been hiding the bald patches very well, haven't I?" Carmen was definitely avoiding the question again. Staring grimly at the mirror reflection, Shane contemplated pursuing the question. Instead, she sighed sadly and decided to drop the subject. 'She would tell me when she is ready' Shane believed.

"Never noticed!" Shane agreed, attempting a weak smile.

If Carmen had heard the sadness in Shane's voice, she had chosen to ignore it. "Well, I can't hide them much longer baby, would you cut my hair for me?"

"Sure Peach, whenever you want." Shane's eyes turned red again. She was sad that she wouldn't be able to run her hands in her girlfriend's long beautiful hair, she was sad that Chemotherapy was destroying her girlfriend bit by bit, but mostly she was sad because of what Carmen had to endure that she couldn't even begin to comprehend.

"Aww, baby, don't cry…" Carmen wiped the tears from Shane's cheeks.

Shane sniffed her tears in. Between the two of them, they had probably cried a river, and much more heartache was still to come. Shane smiled as she gazed into the concerned brown eyes. 'I should be comforting her, not the other way.' She thought as she lifted her arm to wipe off the tears.

' She thought as she lifted her arm to wipe off the tears.

"I love you, Carmen."  
Carmen flashed a brilliant smile at Shane and stroked her cheek. Confident of Shane's love for her, she decided to tease a little.

"Shane, would you still love me if I go bald?

Shane laughed weakly, "It might be a new trend setting look."

Carmen giggled as she turned back to look at their reflection. She sighed as she leaned her head on Shane's shoulder.

"You will love me even without my looong, LUSCIOUS hair?"

"Even without."

"Even if I were to look like a Buddhist nun?"

"That would be quite hot!" Shane pretended to fantasize.

"Even if I would look more butchy than you?"

"Hmm, now that is a thought, only if you don't try to act all male dominating on me." Shane jests and darted away as Carmen brought her hands up to tickle her.

They were still laughing and tickling around in the bathroom as they heard a loud pounding on the door.

"I hope you are not making out in there! I will kill you if you were!" Bette screamed desperatedly. Knowing them too well, Bette knew there was a possibility of it, but her real concern was if Carmen was okay in there. Shane had made them promise not to mention the illness and so Bette tried another way of checking them.

"Be out in a sec, Bette." Shane shouted back as Carmen stuck out her tongue. She quickly adjusted her hair and placed the feelers straight again and then helped Carmen put hers on.

Satisfied at the image of the cute Martian couple that they were, they walked out of the toilet hand in hand.


	9. Comfort

"And I told him to fuck the wall with his huge cock!" Jenny was narrating a story about the latest brat-star that she was ghost-writing for as Shane and Carmen came into the living room. Alice and Dana had arrived and they had already brought out the cake for Angie.

Kit wasn't kidding when she said the theme was Martians, because even the cake was shaped with feelers. Angie was bouncing up and down in glee because of the Mummies and Aunts in comical feelers.

Plonking herself down onto the couch with Carmen, Shane made herself comfortable and snuggled close to her girlfriend, who was now trying to make little Angie giggle.

Bette walked up behind her wife and whispered in her ear, "Look at Shane."

Tina stole a glance at Shane and understood what Bette wanted her to see. "Looks like she had been crying." Bette nodded her agreement but Tina just shrugged. "Might be tears of joy."

Concern got the better of Bette and she decided to play it safe by asking Jenny, she crossed the room and sneaked up behind, whispering into Jenny's ear. "What's up with those two." Jenny stole a glance at Shane and Carmen and shrugged. "No idea, they have been acting weird since Carmen got back."

While she was tickling the laughing toddler in her lap, Carmen had noticed the whispering that were going on between Bette, Tina and Jenny. She saw them stealing glances at her out of the corner of her eye and it had made her very uncomfortable.

Not wanting to be the spoilsport to throw a tantrum, she tried to ignore the insecurities by placing the centre of focus back on Angie, occasionally looking up to smile reassuringly at her worry-wart of a girlfriend.

But nothing seemed to get pass Shane. She noticed the smile that Carmen had on didn't quite meet her eyes, and she was avoiding looking at one direction, Bette's direction. She turned and stared accusingly at Bette and made a sign of a slit on the throat, signaling to her good friend to 'cut it out'. Bette understood when she should step back and lifted her hand apologetically.

Satisfied, Shane planted a kiss on Carmen's cheek before whispering in her ear. "Don't worry baby, how 'bout I get you a drink." Carmen nodded her agreement but kept her eyes on Angie, making a face drawing an excited chuckle from the little girl. Angie got so excited that she threw her hands around, and managed to slap Shane right on the face as she moved to get up.

"Ow!"

Shane yelping in pain only caused Angie to get more excited and everyone in the room laughed harder. Kit managed to still the excited baby when she realized that Carmen probably couldn't handle her anymore. This allowed Carmen to tend to her other baby.

Pretending to whimper at the pain, Shane put forth her best impersonation of a puppy and batted her eyelids innocently at Carmen. She was rewarded for her fine performance with a tender kiss on the spot Angie slapped by her girlfriend.

Chuckling lightly, Carmen placed another kiss on the same spot before tracing her lips down to her girlfriend's lips.

Both Bette and Jenny had to smile at this display of affection, both thinking the same thing. 'The clingy inseparable lovelorn couple is back to normal.'

As Shane tore her lips away from Carmen's, she noticed from the the corner of her eye that Alice was clearing her throat uncomfortably. Grinning at first, she was so sure that Alice was going to come up with something sarcastic to say and she was all ready for a battle of words. But Alice didn't say anything. And Shane noticed that she was dejected, looking everywhere except the direction of laughing Dana.

After a few more uncomfortable moments, Alice got up to walk to the kitchen, and Shane thought it was a good idea to follow.

"I will be back with your drink, peach. Ice tea okay?" Shane said to Carmen, Carmen only nodded her reply, her attention had returned to the group and Angie.

* * *

Alice was pacing up and down the length of the kitchen as Shane walked in. She smiled weakly at Shane but other then that, did not bother to slow down her pace.

"Hey, how are you holding up?" Shane asked as she approached her friend and placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her from walking a hole on the ground.

"Quite frankly, not too good." Alice shook her head sadly.

"Ahuh… Dana?"

"Is it really that obvious?" Alice sighed

"I can't speak for the rest, but it is to me." Shane shrugged as she leaned onto the counter top.

"Right, Yoda." Alice stated, when Shane just continued to look intently at her, Alice sighed again and continued, " I don't know Shane, I mean, we are over right? I shouldn't feel this way. But I do, and it sucks you know…"

"Tell me what happened."

"I went to pick Dana up at her place, and I saw her new girlfriend of the moment with her. They were all over each other. Its disgusting… I mean not saying that it is but it seems like…" Alice started to blabber on.

"I understand completely Alice." Shane said sympathetically.

"It's almost like, she was doing it to hurt me, trying to show off to me, you know. Like…"

"She's just being a dick, Alice. You gotta let it go." Shane put a reassuring arm around Alice and squeezed her shoulders.

It was funny how she could see through her friends, know exactly what they were thinking, and get them to talk to her. But with her own girlfriend, she couldn't do any of those things. She didn't know what Carmen was thinking, she couldn't get Carmen to confide in her, and whatever she could see, was only the surface. Just like the fact that Carmen was losing her hair, Shane didn't even know. Not an inkling, nadder, zilch.

Shane felt like a complete idiot around her girlfriend, her patience was wearing very thin and she was trying very hard not to flare up at Carmen. But at the same time, she couldn't live without her. Without Carmen around, Shane just didn't feel whole. Just at the thought of losing her, Shane could just cry a river.

"Shane… Shane…" Alice brought Shane back out from her thoughts. She realized that Shane did not hear a word she was saying when she turned and saw the far out daze that Shane was in.

"Huh?"

"Sorry to bore you with my sob story…" Alice shrugged, misunderstanding Shane's inattentiveness.

"Eh? Noooo! No… it is not like that. Look, you have to get pass this if you want to stay friends Alice. She is not worth the heartache." Shane tried to push her own problems out of her mind and concentrate on her friend.

"Who's not worth the heartache."

An accusing voice boomed in the kitchen, startling the both of them. Alice and Shane jerked their heads up to that direction and saw an angry Dana.

Dana had spied Alice and Shane talking in the kitchen, and had a feeling it was about her. Shane had always taken Alice's side in the breakup and she didn't like it at all. She also didn't like how Shane had been advising Alice all sort of things and Alice was becoming more and more distant from her.

Staring grimly at Shane, Dana crossed her arms and waited for either one of them to talk.

Shane didn't want any confrontations, having enough on her plate as it is. Shane just shrugged and pulled away from the counter to cross over to the fridge. She poured the tea she came into the kitchen for, taking her own sweet time as she observed the awkward looks that were passing between her two friends.

Dana continued to stare between the both of them, all ready for a fight. But Alice simply just walked out of the kitchen and back into the living room.

"What did you tell her, Shane?" Dana questioned.

"Dana, I didn't tell her anything she didn't already know." Shane stated lightly.

"Right, by painting me as the bad guy?" Dana said, voice dripping with acid.

"Look, I was just trying to comfort her." Shane tried to explain. Dana was also her friend, and she didn't want her to misunderstand.

"Riiight… I am suppose to believe that?" Sarcasm rang in Dana's voice.

Shane just stared straight at Dana, and resumed the nonchalant stand she always took when she didn't want to get into a fight.

"I'm sorry if I offended you, okay. But this isn't the place or time to be discussing this subject." With that, Shane stared confidently into Dana's eyes, daring Dana to continue pursuing the matter. Dana stared back, but decided to back off because this was after all, Bette and Tina's house.

She pulled a bottle of vodka out of the wine rack and walked defiantly back into the living room, not bothering to glance at Shane at all.

Shane sighed, her life was definitely not going well. Now she had managed to incur the wrath of Dana, adding drama into her already complicated life.


	10. Friends

Walking in after Dana, Shane plonked herself back down beside her girlfriend. Carmen managed to tear her eyes momentarily away from Angie to take the glass of tea from Shane.

Shane settled down comfortably and relaxed, taking in everything happening around her quietly. Bette and Tina were quietly chatting among themselves, the smile on Bette's face was enough to say how completely in love she was, and the easy laugh that Tina had told her that everything that happened three years ago was well forgotten and forgiven.

Kit and Jenny were taking turns carrying little Angie who was still busy jumping around. Shane rubbed the spot Angie had slapped absentmindedly as she smiled. A toddler who was discovering the use of her limbs was not one to be trifled with.

Her Carmen was laughing at the antics of the kid, and with every hearty laugh, her long beautiful hair tousled around. Bringing her hand up to run her fingers through her girlfriend's hair, Shane stopped short right before she touched the locks. She didn't want to cause another major lock of hair to fall out. Instead, she ran her finger sadly along the well-defined jawline.

Carmen turned and favored her with a smile, oblivious to the sad thoughts running thru her girlfriend's head. And Shane only smiled back, not wanting to dampen the high spirits. Unwilling to meet her girlfriend's eyes, Shane turned quickly and managed to look towards the direction of Dana and Alice. Dana was quietly sipping her vodka, but her eyes were ever so intently traveling back and forth between Shane and Alice. Alice was just staring at the patterns of the coffee table, immersed in her own world.

Catching the eye of Shane, Dana threw her a poisoned look. And with it, Shane could tell that Dana was already half-drunk. Shane tried to avoid the stare, and she turned back to Bette and Tina.

Bette and Tina had by now realized that Dana was drinking alcohol, the look of dismay on their faces signaled that something unpleasant was going to happen. And Shane had a sinking feeling that it just might involve her.

'This is not good,' Shane thought as she sighed. All she wanted to do was mind her own business, it wasn't like her own life was smooth sailing. Getting involved with Dana and Alice's business wasn't in her plans. Shane shrugged inwardly, she was just trying to lend Alice a listening ear, just like Alice did for her. She didn't know why Dana would react so strongly to it.

* * *

Well, she did know of course.

Dana was still very much attracted to Alice, and she wanted the best of both worlds. Alice by her side and still be able to play the field. However, Dana didn't know that she was hurting Alice, and Alice was distancing herself to try to keep away the pain. And Dana was putting the blame on Shane.

'What did I do?' Shane sighed inwardly, she slumped back onto the couch and closed her eyes.

"Is something wrong baby?"

Opening her eyes to a welcomed sight, Shane smiled as her girlfriend lovingly stroked her cheek. "Nuth'in, just thinking…" Shane whispered as she turned her head to kiss the palm of Carmen's hand.

"Hmm…" Carmen hummed knowingly as she placed a kiss on her girlfriend's lips. "About what?"

"About how she could make everyone else as miserable as her." Dana said in her drunken state.

All this while, Bette was held back by Tina from blowing her top, but with that remark, she decided enough was enough and stood up furious.

"What are you doing with vodka!" Bette hissed.

Dana just shrugged continued to gulp down the alcohol. "Hey, this is a party isn't it?" Dana stood up too, all psyched up by the alcohol for a fight.

"This is a party for a kid, Dana." Alice quipped but she turned away sharply as Dana threw her a stare of death and dared her to say more.

"Come'n, what's a little alcohol gonna do?"

There were uncomfortable looks all around and Bette looked like she was ready to throw Dana out. And it was exactly what she would have done if Tina didn't rest her hand on Bette's lap to remind her to keep calm.

"Bette…" Tina warned, holding her wife's arm to restrain her.

Shane wanted to stand up as well, but Carmen held on to her, not wanting Shane to get into something she knew she would regret. "Don't…" She whispered calmingly into Shane's ear, hoping that Shane would listen to her. And Shane did, allowing herself to calm down and ignoring Dana.

"Why Shane, too chicken to admit that you are doing exactly that?" Dana continued on.

Sensing the tension in the air, Angie started crying. "Mummy… Mama…"

Everyone in the room tensed up, awkward at the turn of events. Dana continued to rattle on.

"Oh this is sooooo good, the new Shane. The one that has a girlfriend and listens to her. The one that would be a busybody and put her nose into everyone else's affairs. I rather the old Shane back, at least that Shane would mind her own business and not poke into other people's relationships."

Shane stared at Dana, horrified. Did she actually poked her nose too deep into Alice and Dana's affair?

"Dana! Shane didn't say anything to me." Alice shrieked with tears in her eyes.

"Sure she didn't, all she did was tell you what a horrible person I am."

"ENOUGH! All of you. Tina, bring Angie into the room." Kit hollered as she handed the baby to Tina. "Dana you have too much to drink. Now sit down and keep quiet."

Silence lingered around for a moment longer.

Alice took a few steps back before dashing out of the front door. And Shane just sat there with her eyes close, breathing in and out deeply, concentrating on her girlfriend's reassuring stroking on her arm.

While Dana settled herself onto the couch, she continued to mumble inaudibly, so drunk that she didn't even notice Alice leaving. Bette looked around lost, unsure of what to do while Jenny started to clear the mess silently.

Tina came back out of the room and looked around worriedly, the tension still thick in the air as she realized that everyone froze in their positions in awkwardness.

Noticing that Alice wasn't around anymore, she got up to Bette and gave her a reassuring hug before asking, "Where's Alice?"

The magical word spoken, Dana perked up from her half asleep state and looked around for Alice. When she confirmed that Alice wasn't around, she just smirked and hissed at Shane. "Have you been sleeping with Alice, Shane? Is that why she is becoming so distant from me?"

With her eyes still closed, Shane countered with a shiver inducing voice. "I… did… not… sleep… with… her."

"Shane, don't, she is drunk. Come baby, lets go home." Carmen tried to make Shane avoid the inevitable clash. She could see the tension on Shane's jawline, and knew that when her girlfriend bit down like that, it signaled a nearly breaking point.

"Well well well, this is really the new reformed Shane, isn't it? The one who doesn't sleep around. The one who loves her girlfriend so much she would do anything for her. No wait. Not everything," Dana broke her slur to a whisper, "She hasn't met the parents yet."

And Shane broke. All the restraints in her head had snapped out of control. The pressure and guilt of not meeting Carmen's family had been weighing in Shane's mind for the longest of time. She snapped because the guilt was killing her, and Dana saying it was just reaffirming the pressure.

Shane stood up suddenly, wanting to cross over Carmen to shake Dana up. She swore that was all she was going to do, seeing Dana semi-concious and all. But everyone in the room misunderstood her actions and made a move to restraint her almost at once.

And right there was Carmen, who stood up and grabbed Shane from behind. But Shane was so blinded by rage that she did not think about Carmen's illness and the accompanied weakness, she lifted her elbows angrily to escape the grasp that Carmen had on her. But in doing so, she caused Carmen to fall onto the floor.

"Yaaow." Carmen yelped out in pain as she landed on the floor, her ankle twisted when it hooked onto the leg of the table.

The yelp of pain Carmen gave out snapped Shane out of her raging trance and realization descended upon her. She turned around petrified and froze at the sight she saw. Jenny had by now rushed over to help Carmen onto the couch and Kit reached over while Bette and Tina came up between Shane and Dana, still afraid that she might do something unthinkable.

But Dana was forgotten. All that ran through Shane's mind now was that she was the cause of Carmen's injury. She stood there like a statue, staring as Jenny tended to Carmen. Carmen in turn was gazing right back, there wasn't a hint of anger or disfavor, only pleading looks for her to calm down.

But Shane was furious, furious at herself for causing harm to Carmen. Furious that she had put her own anger above everything else. Furious that she flew into a rage over something that a drunk said. But most of all, she was furious at herself for the truth in Dana's words, that she couldn't bring herself to meet Carmen's parents.

"Can we go now? Please… Shane." Carmen called out pleadingly. She wasn't bothered at all by the huge swollen ankle or her head spinning around. She was focused on only one thing, to get her girlfriend away from Dana and calm her down. Carmen didn't know what was going through Shane's head right now, she assumed that Shane was still angry at Dana. The clenched fist was a dead giveaway.

"Shane… You bring your girlfriend home now. I'll drag Dana's drunken ass home and Bette, you stay here to clear the mess with Tina." Kit made a move for her keys as she spoke, realizing that they all needed to disperse now. She took a glance at the drunk Dana, who was already asleep and oblivious to the world and shook her head, proceeding to try and lift the scrawny woman up. But Dana resisted in her stupor and Bette stepped in to help.

"I'll go with you, Kit. You probably cannot handle Dana yourself." Bette offered, but Jenny stepped up, "I'll go, you stay here with Tina and the baby." Jenny understood that Shane and Carmen might need some alone time and thought that it would be a good idea to stay away for awhile.

"Okay, then I'll call Alice to see if she is okay." Bette said, drawing nods of approval around.

"Shane?" Carmen asked again.

Without saying a word, Shane released her clenched fist and stepped forward towards her girlfriend. She carefully gathered Carmen around the waist as she lifted her up, all the while avoiding Carmen's eyes. Without saying a word or looking at anyone else, Shane slowly guided Carmen out of the back door.

And Carmen, who was trying not to rest too much weight on her injured feet, looked around apologetically, murmuring her thank yous and her goodbyes, making a mental note to apologize to Bette and Tina for ruining the party.

Upon reaching the kitchen, Shane settled Carmen down at the dining table before looking for medication to ease the swollen ankle. She glided around silently and frantically. Not knowing exactly what she was doing. Her vision was blurred and her head was spinning. She wasn't sure if it was a physical or a mental thing. When she at last located the medicated rub, she swiftly sat on the floor and guided Carmen's ankle and set it atop her lap. She began a slow massage on the swollen areas and concentrated hard at not causing her girlfriend more pain.

Concern over the prolonged silence, Carmen knew that Shane was not okay. She saw the erratic behavior when she was looking for the rub, and now the neurotic obsession with the massage indicated that something drastic took place in Shane's head and it was scaring her.

"Shane…?"


	11. Truth

"Shane?"

When Shane continued massaging the swollen ankle intently, not registering Carmen calling out to her, Carmen tucked at her foot and set it on the floor.

Shane stared at the blank space that the foot had been for a few moments, startled at the sudden loss, unsure of what to do next.

Carmen leaned down and cupped her girlfriend's chin, drawing her face up to look into her eyes. "Shane?" Whispering as softly as possible, Carmen paused to find the right words to say. "Baby? Are you okay? Talk to me."

The blank look on Shane's face tore at Carmen's heart, and she gazed at Shane, willing her girlfriend to say something, to tell her that she is okay.

But Shane just stared back, her thoughts racing back and forth in a non-linear fashion. It went back to the days on the streets, without love and comfort, without the security and happiness. And then her thoughts charged into the future, a future that might not include Carmen.

That future, that grim future, a dark place without soul. No hope, no peace and most of all, no love. She pictured that place to look exactly like the hell hole she fought so hard to leave behind. Except this time, she was contented to stay there.

And that scared the shit out of her.

Closing her eyes momentarily to block out the disturbing thoughts, Shane re-opened them and forced a smile for the benefit of her girlfriend. "Come peach, let me take a look at that ankle." The words came out forced and Carmen wasn't going to buy the fake nonchalance.

Applying a hint of pressure onto her fingers, Carmen gripped tighter at the jaw of her skinny lover and demanded softly. "Baby? Tell me what's going on?"

"Nuth'in. Let me look at the ankle."

"Fuck the ankle, Shane. Tell me what's up with you. Please..."

Annoyance flashed across Shane fs face and she leaned back to escape her girlfriend's grasp on her jaw. Trying hard to keep her emotions in check, Shane said as lightly as she could.

"Look, if you are fine now, I am just going to step outside for a smoke okay?" With that, Shane dashed out into the patio. Leaving Carmen staring after her.

Shane had hoped to draw calmness from the still of the night. Unable to face anyone, she had also hoped that Carmen would give her the space she needed desperately now, just like she gave her space. She fumbled around for her cigarettes and when she couldn't find any, she remembered that ever since Carmen got sick, she had stop carrying the disagreeing sticks in her pockets.

Stealing a glance at the house, Shane contemplated going back inside to get the cigarettes. But she didn't want to have to face Carmen.

"Why?" Shane groaned. Why couldn't she face the love of her life? When before she had only had to look at that beautiful face and everything would be fine, peace and tranquility would be restored and the most fatigued of minds would be rejuvenated. Why is it that this time the same loving face had only increased the turmoil weighing inside?

 _'Because I am ashamed of what she thinks of me._ _And I can't do what she wants me to do...'_ Shane admittedly quietly. She buried her face into the hole that her crossed arms formed and her fingers clenched tightly at her sleeves.

* * *

Carmen ran her hands up her forehead and into her hair. But she stopped short of actually fingering her head. The truth was... she was petrified at the thought of losing all her locks. But she didn't want Shane or anyone else to know that. It was already bad enough the way Shane fussed and babied her. Frustrated at the thought of losing her equal footing with Shane, Carmen had tried and had successfully retained her pride. But regaining her pride meant that she was pushing Shane further and further away from her.

And judging from the way Shane reacted today, Carmen wondered if she had pushed her pillar of strength too far. Carmen looked around the empty house, the feeling of loneliness surged through her veins. She desperately wanted to hold Shane and be held by her. She looked for an excuse, any excuse that would bring her to her baby.

There it was, the cigarette pack she spied lying on the counter. Seeing the pack told Carmen that Shane didn't have her sticks with her, and that Shane was probably just sitting out there to get away from her. But against her better judgment, Carmen decided to bring the cigarettes out to her anyway.

She found Shane sitting at the patio, head buried in her lap. And she struggled with her inner self. Should she leave Shane alone and let her be? Or should she be selfish and keep her girlfriend close? Ultimately, she knew that tonight would be the night that they would have to face up to all their demons. Bracing herself, Carmen hobbled towards Shane and plonked herself down beside her girlfriend noisily because she couldn't keep her balance.

Shane's head shot up at the noise, the tired eyes darting towards the intrusion. She had wished that Carmen would give her the space that she needed. But apparently, it wasn't going to happen. And she felt trapped.

"What are you doing out here?" Shane said, with slight annoyance in her voice.

"I saw your sticks inside, so I thought I'd bring them to you." Carmen ignored the accusation in her girlfriend's voice and tried to keep everything light.

Feeling bad at snapping, Shane relented a little as she took the pack from Carmen. She appreciated her girlfriend's thoughtfulness and favoured her with a sincere smile.

As Shane lit a stick, Carmen stretched and made herself comfortable.

"Go back inside baby, the smoke's not good for you."

Carmen stubbornly waved away Shane's concern and started humming a tune quietly.

"Go inside Carmen." The pitch slightly raised as Shane instructed again.

"Baby, I'll keep you company. You are obviously upset. Is it what Dana said, because we..."

"Peach, I am fine. Don't stay out here, you would catch a cold." Shane tried the coaxing method.

But Carmen was not relenting, "Shane, you gotta tell me what is bothering you. You are scaring me."

"JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!" For the second time today, Shane snapped. This time, her target was the one person that meant the most to her. Carmen stared at Shane dumbfounded, unable to react for a moment. Then she made a move to get up, doing just as Shane blatantly requested.

Feeling the sting of guilt the moment the words escaped her lips, Shane grabbed Carmen's arms, and desperately tried to retain her.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry baby... I am so sorry."

"Shane, you gotta tell me what is going on with you." Carmen encouraged softly, feeling very sad that Shane had actually raised her voice at her.

"Just like the way you are not telling me." Dejection reigned in Shane's voice. Her tears slipped down silently as she saw that Carmen's tears were falling freely too.

"Look, Carmen, I can't do this anymore." Shane jumped up off her butt and stood in front of Carmen, allowing all her emotions to run amok.

"I can't face it. I..."

"Are you breaking up with me?" The tears coming down fast and furious as Carmen voiced out her worst fear. She had pushed Shane too far and now had finally lost her.

"No!" Shane answered immediately. "No.. it's not that. I'm so scared that you want to break up with me." She said as she thrashed her arms around desperately.

"Where did you get that?" Carmen asked, feeling extremely baffled but relieved at the same time.

Shane hung her head defeatedly and thrust her hands into her pockets. The insecurities setting in as she fidgeted around.

"Because... of all the signs you are giving out. I can feel it. Like you have something to tell me, but... fuck... but you cannot bring yourself to... to hurt me. Because your family is very important to you," Shane choked. "I can't bring myself to meet them. Because I feel like you are ashamed because of me."

"Shane." Carmen allowed Shane to finish spilling all her emotions. "It's not like that. I love you very very much. And I am so grateful to have you by my side." Carmen brought her voice down to a whisper, "and... I don't want you to meet my family."

* * *

The sound of crickets pierced through the silence between the two as they stared at each other, unsure of what to do, or what to say. Neither one of them wanted to be the first to speak, wanting to take the cue from the other person instead. But Shane's cigarette burned it's last and fizzled out, but not before making it's presence felt by it's occupant. And Shane's little yelp of pain broke the uncomfortable silence.

"Carmen, I'm so sorry, it's just that. I... I want to meet your family. But I... I just need time."

"No Shane, you don't understand, I don't want you to meet my family." Carmen hung her head low as she repeated her words, the tears trickling down onto her lap.

Shane stared at Carmen, not sure of how to comprehend the meanings behind the words. She had assumed that Carmen was upset because of her reluctance to meet her family, and now she was probably saying this out of spite. But it didn't sound like spite. And Shane was confused as hell.

"What..." Finding it impossible to continue, Shane waited for Carmen to elaborate instead.

"I am so afraid Shane, so afraid that I would lose you. But at the same time, I am so afraid I will lose my family." Carmen let out an exasperated laugh. "I am so afraid to tell them that I am gay. So scared that they would become strangers because of that. I dread the day when I walk pass my mother on the street and she pretends not to know me."

Shane fell into deep silence as she let the words sink in. She felt so bad for snapping at Carmen now and she wanted to kick herself hard. Her own problems and insecurities seemed so juvenile and so insignificant compared to her girlfriend's inner struggle with herself, her illness, her family, the whole foundation of her existence.

Continuing softly, Carmen rested her chin onto her folded arms. "I feel like I am lost. Losing my mother, losing my sisters, my brothers, losing you... And... most of all, I feel like I am losing myself."

"I lost my equal footing in life with all of you. I feel so small, so useless. Ever since the day I found out it was leukemia, you and momma had been pampering me, babying me. But the more you do that, the more like a freak I feel. And with momma, the more guilty I feel when I tell her about me. I don't wanna break her heart a second time. I... I really..."

For an eternal moment, Shane didn't know what to say as Carmen continued blabbering. Even though the words were not coherent, Shane could tell the depth of these emotions and the fear deep inside Carmen's heart.

"You..." Shane choked again. "You will never lose your equal footing with me... You are my everything. I cannot lose you."

Carmen looked up gratefully at Shane, and managed a lift at the corner of her lips. But Shane felt that she needed to give more assurance to the love of her life.

"Whenever you are ready to face up to them, I will be right beside you." As soon as the words escaped Shane's lips, she realized it wasn't as difficult as she thought it would be. Who was she kidding, compared to the fears that Carmen had, her worries seemed marginal and measly, and she finally understood what was total acceptance.

"I love you ..."

There was still too much space between them. And Shane didn't like it one bit. Carmen just hung her head low and weeped, letting go of all the fears and fustrations. Shane stepped up and closed the gap between them, but she didn't make an attempt to touch her, afraid of rejection, just waiting for permission from her lover.

Shane's hesitance caused Carmen to lift her head up and look at her girlfriend inquisitively. And the look that she saw, the wanting, the asking in the green eyes, melted her heart away.

No words passed. There was no need for words. With just a slight hint of a nod, Shane had her permission and she scooped Carmen up into her arms. Holding her so tightly that she thought she might break her girlfriend's ribs, but she couldn't help herself. For the first time since the diagnosis, she had felt truly, completely free. Ready to take on the world, the cruel world lies in her hands now, as long as she had Carmen's love, and Carmen had hers, they can take on everything.

Carmen gave out a little laugh through her tears. There was relief and joy mixed in the sound. Voicing out everything made it easier to bear. And as long as Shane was there for her, with her, even the most potent of drugs, or the most strenuous therapy sessions would not deter her. Even the consequences of facing up to her family seem more pleasant as hope surged through her veins.

Pulling away lightly, Carmen placed a light kiss on the temple of her girlfriend. She dragged her face down to Shane's shirt and wiped her tears on the cloth. Shane loosen her grip on her girlfriend, but brought her arms lower to around her waist to lift her up a little. Afraid to fall, Carmen clawed onto Shane's head and her fingers entangled onto the feelers still attached to her girlfriend's hair. The uncomfortable metal band pinched at Shane's skull and in a burst of pain, nearly dropped her girlfriend.

"Shit!" Shane groaned.

"What?" Carmen laughed as Shane released her grip and rubbed the pinched spot on her head before removing the offensive accessory.

"Poor baby." Carmen laughed again as she stroked lovingly across Shane's head.

"It's... so... embarrassing!" Shane groaned again.

"What is?" Asked Carmen as she planted a light kiss on Shane's temple.

"This... The feelers! I can't believe I went through that serious shit conversation with this ridiculous feelers!" Shane looked into Carmen's amused eyes. The teasing gleam in it made Shane want to punish her, and she brought her lips onto her girlfriend's. All the playfulness evaporated as they remembered all the pain and the hurt and poured them all longingly into that one kiss.

Before long, Shane broke off the kiss as she remembered something. Looking Carmen up and down, "Where are your feelers?" She noticed the missing headband from her girlfriend head.

"I took it off at the party, it was eating into my hair." Carmen shrugged nonchalantly.

Shane sighed as she rested her temple onto Carmen's forehead. "I'm sorry peach, I was so caught up in myself that I didn't think about you."

"Shane, don't be. I want to be there for you too. Just like you are always there for me. It keeps me strong." Carmen stroked gently at Shane's jaw.

"We have to do something about your family soon though." Another sigh escaped Shane's lips, and she heard Carmen doing the same.

"I know, but one step at a time kay? I just wanna take one step at a time."

"Whenever you want. I will follow your lead."

And Shane brought her face in for another love-sealing kiss


	12. Interaction Part 1

"Open baby…" Carmen said as she scooped a spoonful of cereal and brought it up to Shane's lips. Shane removed her lips from Carmen's temple and leaned in obediently and opened her mouth. Deliberately tilting the spoon slightly so that some of the milk dripped down the corner of Shane's mouth, Carmen chuckled as she brought her head up to lick away the trail before Shane had a chance to wipe it away.

"You just wanna lick me." Shane quipped with laughter in her voice.

"Yeap." Making no attempt to hide her intentions, Carmen stole a kiss at the corner of Shane's mouth.

Shane shook with quiet laughter. The little pecks Carmen was putting around her lips slowly weren't enough to satisfy her and Shane sought to deepen the kisses. And the bowl Carmen was holding was annoyingly in the way. Shane guided Carmen's hands to the table to put it down, and then drawing both of her arms around her own neck so that she could kiss her girlfriend properly. Carmen willingly complied and parted her lips just slightly to give Shane the access she needed. With the invitation, Shane slid her tongue into Carmen's mouth and ran it across the back of Carmen's teeth before seeking out the tongue. Shane pulled out of Carmen's mouth and ran her tongue across Carmen's lips before she…..

"Hey you guys…"

Without looking up, Shane murmured a lazy "hey" as she continued to nibble on Carmen's bottom lip. Jenny smiled at the sight she was so accustomed to every morning and set about to prepare her own breakfast.

Finally, as Jenny sat down with her cereal and her juice across the table, Carmen reluctantly pulled away out of sheer courtesy and returned her attention to her cereal. She flashed Jenny a bright smile as Shane leaned in to nibble on her ear.

"Aww… I am glad you guys worked it out."

"Yup, we did." Carmen answered truthfully as she turned to look at Shane, "Didn't we baby?" Shane just planted a kiss onto her lips as a reply. With a huge grin on her face, Carmen turned her attention back to Jenny, "And thank you."

"Okay, I gotta go now. Need to beat the morning traffic if I wanna get to the studio on time." Shane said as she reluctantly pulled away from Carmen and stood up.

"Where are you going?" Jenny asked as she had become accustomed to.

"Studio call, doing Jordana-something today."

"Doing baby? Aww. I know you are desperate but…" Carmen pouted playfully.

Shane shot her girlfriend a look. She leaned in for a kiss as Carmen laughed. Crossing the table to kiss Jenny on the temples, Shane gathered her jacket and her things before making her way out of the door.

"Bye!" Jenny called out. As she heard the door close, she asked Carmen seriously, "Everything really okay now Carmen?"

"Yes, Jenny," Carmen answered with relief in her voice. "We had a long talk last night. And even though we can't change the world, or help my condition, at least we have each other. I love her and she loves me, that is all that matters."

Jenny stretched her hand across the table to give Carmen's hand a squeeze. The non-verbal support was massive for Carmen, and she wished that she had the same support from her family….

"Oh god! I have to call my mother. She is probably freaking out and calling the police by now." Carmen suddenly realized that amidst all the commotion yesterday she had forgotten to make that daily phone call she had promised her mother.

She rang the house but there was no answer. There was always someone at the house and therefore not possible that no one answered. Thinking she might have dialed the wrong number, Carmen tried again just as the doorbell rang.

Jenny mouthed an "I'll get it" to Carmen and stood up to get the door. Carmen frowned, she tried re-dialing a few times but there was still no answer. All kinds of worrying thoughts went through her mind and just as she was about to dial her sister Olivia's number, Jenny came into the room and announced, "Your family's here."

* * *

Her heart stilled for a moment before starting to race in breakneck speed. Her family had just missed Shane by a hair, and it was too close for comfort. She tried to regain her composure as Jenny watched concerned. Carmen attempted a weak smile to reassure Jenny as she took a deep breath. Trying not to worry too much, she made her way into the living room.

"Momma, I was trying to call you, what are you doing here?" Carmen smiled as best as she could while waving the phone for emphasis. Standing there in her living room with her mother was her sister Anna and her brother Rodrigo. Carmen hugged each of them, lingering the longest in the arms of her mother as the older woman scolded, "You promised a phone call everyday. But you didn't call last night. Anna got worried, Roddy misses you and I am here to smack your butt."

Carmen looked at her mother giggling as Roddy added, "Yeah, momma couldn't eat or sleep the entire night."

"Aww, momma…" Carmen hugged her mother again out of appreciation.

Carmen started assuring her family that she was fine, making up excuses as to why she didn't call the day before and explaining Jenny's role in the house while her family started nosing around the living room.

After living with Shane for about a year, Mercedes nagged and grumbled about not having seen the living conditions that Carmen was in. Carmen had wormed her way out of that one, just like she had avoided the subject of introducing Shane. But now, this one little slip up and her smart mother jumped the opportunity to gain the upper hand again.

Mercedes headed straight for the photo frames hanging by the bookshelf and Carmen started panicking, not knowing if any of their pictures were there. She quick-stepped her way towards Mercedes, trying to stop her and if that failed, deny everything to the end. But as she looked at her photos, she heaved a deep sigh of relief.

There were only Jenny's photos on display, one with each of her friends. 'Oh shit!' Carmen thought as she spied a photo with Shane and Jenny. She bit her lip nervously hoping that Mercedes didn't notice. Then she realized that Mercedes wouldn't know that was Shane because they had never met.

"I wanna see your room, Carmen!" Anna shrieked excitedly.

"No!" Carmen shouted out almost on reflex. "I mean… It's a mess, and… and…"

"Carmen? I'm going off to work now. See you later." Jenny chose an excellent moment to distract everyone. After giving Carmen a quick peck on the cheeks, she turned to Carmen's family members and sweetly bid them goodbye. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Morales, Anna, Rodrigo."

As she turned and waved from the door, she shot one last sympathetic look at Carmen before closing the door behind her.

* * *

Shane stood outside of the office's main entrance and contemplated on whether or not to get inside.

She was a tab early for her gig, and she decided to pop by Alice's office across the street from her studio and check if she was okay. She was apprehensive, feeling partly to blame for whatever was going on with Dana. But Shane braced herself and thought that no matter what, she should be there for her friend.

"Hi, my name is Shane McCutcheon, and I am here to see Miss Alice Pieszecki please." Shane asked the receptionist of the posh looking office. At first the woman decidedly ignored her, but when she looked up from her computer screen, her expressions changed from slightly annoyed to a softer almost flirty look.

"Sure, Miss McCutcheon." Shane could have swore she saw the receptionist wink, but after being monogamous for so long, Shane had become really uncomfortable with extra attention showered to her by strangers. She cleared her throat as she pretended not to notice the receptionist blatantly running her eyes up and down her while making the internal call to Alice.

The heat of the stare burned right into Shane's back and at the moment, the doorway seemed like a very appealing place to head to. 'Maybe looking for Alice is not a good idea.' Just as Shane was about to step out of the office, Alice walked out of the coded internal door and called out to her.

"Shane! What are you doing here?" Alice looked truly surprised.

"I just thought I come and… see how ya doing. I've got…" Shane stole a quick glance at her watch, "a good twenty minutes to spare."

"I'm fi…" Alice started, but she stopped in mid-sentence as she realized that the receptionist was still staring at Shane.

Grabbing Shane by the arm, Alice threw out a "Thank you, Margie." before ushering Shane down a corridor. The R&R room that they finally stopped in had a couch and Alice slumped down on it, pulling Shane down with her.

"I'm fine, Shane. Really I am."

Shane was not at all convinced. There were dark rings all around Alice's eyes, and she looked like she had been crying all night. Shane shot Alice a 'Really' look.

"Seriously, I'm fine! I just don't understand why Dana is acting this way." Alice whispered in defeat.

"I'm sorry that everything turned out the way it did, Alice."

"No, don't be, really, I'm sorry I ran out. I just couldn't take it anymore, ya'know." Alice slumped further into the cushions. "What happened after I left?"

"Well, I snapped. Al, I snapped really bad. I just couldn't take the pressure anymore. And Carmen got hurt because of me."

Alice stared at Shane with her jaws agape. She knew Shane was under a lot of stress and she was angry with Dana for causing so much unwarranted tensions.

"I… What is wrong with her?" Alice sighed in an exasperated manner.

"It's okay, Alice." Shane wore a big contented grin, "In a really weird way, I am glad she broke me. I had a good talk with Carmen last night. We thrashed everything out."

"You did!"

"Yeah." Shane said, sounding like she wasn't going to elaborate further. But the inquisitive nature in Alice wasn't going to let Shane off that easily. Her own problems were forgotten now that she had something else to focus on. "And…?" Alice said, putting exaggerated stress on the word.


	13. Interaction Part 2

"Oh my god!" Carmen and Mercedes jerked their heads towards the shriek Anna gave out again. "There is a whole collection of literary classics here!"

Carmen smiled as Anna seemed to have forgotten about her room, and she intended to keep it that way. "Those are Jenny's. If you want any, just let me know and I'll ask Jenny if you can borrow them. Shouldn't be a problem though."

"Thank you, Carmen!" Anna ran over to where Carmen was standing and gave her a quick hug before turning her attention to the books.

"Roddy, you should be looking at the books as much as your sister. Will do you good on those grades you have!" Mercedes didn't forget to include her son into the conversation.

"He'd rather drink a gallon of poison." Anna said sarcastically, not once taking her eyes away from the books as Carmen just laughed.

"Momma!" Rodrigo groaned from his comfortable place at the couch. Before Mercedes could say another word, Rodrigo picked himself up in a flash and headed for the kitchen. "I am hungry, Carmen, got any food? Momma dragged us out before I could finish my breakfast."

Mercedes grumbled in Spanish while following Rodrigo into the kitchen. "I will cook for you, you useless son, and you Carmen. You need nutritious homemade food. I don't want you eating junk all the time."

"Yes, Momma…" Carmen stole a glance at Anna, still totally immensed in the book collection, and decided that it would be safe to leave her there and not worry about her snooping around in her bedroom. She slowly followed into the kitchen, not wanting to make it there too quick because her mother would definitely drag her into the lecture she was giving to her son.

* * *

"We thrashed everything out. Nothing much is resolved. But at least now I know how she feels and she knows that I love her."

"That's great, Shane!" Alice hugged her friend excitedly, "Both of you love each other to death. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way." Alice flabbergasted as she saw the pinch on Shane's brows, "I mean, you guys…"

Shane laughed uneasily, being really sensitive to that word, but she knew Alice didn't mean it that way. "I know Al, it's okay."

"Yeah I mean, your love for each other would triumph above all, right?"

"Yeah, I guess. She doesn't want to face up to her family yet though. You know, about being gay."

"And you have a problem with that?" Alice asked.

Shane chuckled uncomfortably again. "I don't. It's just that now I feel like… I don't know. I wish I was a man or something. Then she wouldn't be ashamed of me and she could stand proud in front of her family."

Alice stared at Shane in disbelief, wanting to kick her ass.

"Did you fucking hurt your head Shane. Yoda fucking doesn't talk like that. First of all, Carmen is gay, if you had a fucking dick, she wouldn't take a second glance your way. Secondly, she doesn't need more of this shit and insecurities you have to complicate her life further."

Shane didn't say anything, pondering the words deeply. Just as Alice was about to slap Shane on the back of her head to jot her, Shane grinned, "Yeah. I guess."

"Good! Quit being such a wimp and just be happy you have true love…"

Shane laughed at Alice's bluntness. "I love you too Al, and I am sure you will find your true love soon." Shane gave her friend a sincere and grateful hug.

"I have true love, she just doesn't know what she fucking wants." Alice said bitterly, leaning deeper into the embrace.

Shane squeezed Alice in tightly, hoping that her happiness could be passed onto her friend.

"Come on, time's up. Give me a min to gather my things and I will hike a ride from you to the studios."

"Why are you going there?"

"For the last time Shane, I am a fucking reporter. I do interviews with celebrities, why do you act so surprised every time I appear there?"

* * *

"Momma, Jenny takes good care of me." Carmen chuckled, amused at her mother's fuss at the lack of proper food in the kitchen. "She makes great soups and nutritious food for me."

"Jenny? The roommate?" Rodrigo asked as he tucked into a gigantic bowl of cereal.

"Yes Rodrigo, my roommate Jenny is an excellent cook. If she wasn't a writer, I swear she would own a restaurant."

"She's gay, isn't she?" Anna commented as she walked into the kitchen frowning.

"What…?" Carmen didn't know how to response. Shaking all the way down to her knees.

"Well, I was looking at her photos and in a few of them she was kissing a girl. Plus, a lot of her books were lesbian-themed books."

Carmen cleared her throat uncomfortably and looked away, "Yeah, erm yeah, she is."

"Aaah, and Shane is okay with that? Not afraid she would hit on you?" Anna's frown deepened.

'God, if Anna knew I used to fuck Jenny…' Carmen thought, unable to formulate a proper response without having to lie. Before she could come up with something intelligent to say, Mercedes cut in.

"Anna, I don't like you going around judging Carmen's friends. It's not right, Carmen can take care of herself and she can choose however she wants to lead her life."

Grateful for her mother's intervention, Carmen smiled at Anna and shrugged.

Rodrigo, clearly uninterested in the subject, decided to broach a subject closer to his heart. "So Carmen, you promised me a pair of roller-blades if I did well for math. I got a 'B'. Is that well or what!" Rodrigo said triumphantly.

"Rodrigo Arman De La Pica Morales, you ill-mannered child. How could you ask for something so expensive when you know Carmen isn't working anymore. She has so many bills to pay." Mercedes scolded.

Carmen was again grateful that her mother thought ahead for her. The medical bills were running on a high and Carmen was stinging every penny of her savings so that she could afford to pay for her treatment. But the look on Rodrigo's face melted her heart and she did a quick mental calculation in her head. In the end, she decided she could afford to spend a little on a decent pair of skates.

"It's okay momma, a promise is a promise. Pick out your dream skates and tell me how much it is."

" _Chico inmaduro_! You spoil him too much, you know that? He is never going to listen to me again!"

But no one was listening to Mercedes as Rodrigo ran to Carmen and gave her a big hug and planted a sloppy kiss onto her face.

"Thank you, hermana! I am not asking for much. I have about $70 saved up and I just need you to help me a little bit more on that dream pair of skates!" Rodrigo chattered excitedly.

"Well you lazy boy, if you would help me out in the shop, I could pay you and you can get the skates." Mercedes nagged.

"You never pay me for helping in the store Momma!" Rodrigo pouted. Carmen laughed at the little squabble between her family members, grateful to have them around her.

This greatly re-affirmed her conviction to keep things in the present situation. She needed the support of her family around her. The chatter and the banter between the four of them caused the usually cold kitchen to liven up and she wanted this to… whoosh.

The room started spinning suddenly, her vision blurred and her mouth went as dry as the desert. She tried to swallow some saliva, but that simple action caused her stomach to churn and she felt like she was going to throw up.

Carmen placed a hand on the counter to steady herself, hoping that this uncomfortable feeling would subside. But her head continued to spin faster and she was barely making out a word that was being said.

"Roddy is such a…. Carmen? Carmen, are you okay?" Anna was in the midst of complaining when she noticed Carmen looked unwell. She rushed over to hold her sister, and made it just in time to prevent Carmen from falling over.

And everything went black.


	14. Discretion

"Roddy is such a…. Carmen? Carmen, are you okay?" Anna was in the midst of complaining when she noticed Carmen looked unwell. She rushed over to hold her sister, and made it just in time to prevent Carmen from falling over.

Mercedes and Roddy were by her side in no time with Mercedes taking over support of her daughter and Roddy didn't know what else to do but shuffle his feet.

"Roddy, stop standing there like an idiot and call the hospital!" Anna ordered as she ran to get some water.

Panic ran thru Roddy's veins as he fumbled with the buttons on the phone

"Forget it, we will drive Carmen to the hospital."

"No… no hospital momma… Just… Shane…" Carmen managed before blacking out again.

"Roddy, call Shane. We are bringing her to the hospital." Mercedes ordered.

After they loaded Carmen into the car and Anna pulled out of the driveway, Roddy searched for Shane's number shakily on Carmen's cell phone. As it was connecting, Roddy looked worriedly his mother who was holding Carmen close in her lap.

When the phone connected a crisp, "Hey, peach." came across.

"Hi, I'm er.. Rodrigo, Carmen's brother, I… just wanna say…"

"Calm down, Rodrigo, what's wrong, something happened to Carmen?" Roddy could hear the panic in Shane's voice, mirroring the tone of his own, making him even more tongue-tied.

"Give me that," Mercedes shifted a hand out from under Carmen and snatched the phone impatiently, "Hi Shane, I am Carmen's mother, Carmen blacked out and we are sending her to the hospital now."

"Oh my god! Is she okay?" Shane called out in a high pitched cry.

"We are pulling into the hospital soon. You come as soon as you can make it, now I know you are working, so you finish whatever you are doing, we will take care of her. Don't you worry."

"I will be there as soon as I can!"

"Momma…? Shane…?" Carmen murmured. She opened her eyes brieftly before slipping back into unconsciousness.

Mercedes hugged her daughter nearer to her. Tears dripping silently as she tried to stay strong for her baby. Her hopeless son was panicking enough for the both of them as they zipped through traffic in break-neck speed.

"Anna, bring your brother home. He is no good here."

"But I wanna stay, Momma."

"Go… Roddy should go home to calm his nerves. Come back later in the evening, inform your hermano and hermanas.

"Come'on, Roddy, you wimp."

That was the last thing Carmen heard before slipping back into her unconscious state.

* * *

Shane scurried through the hallways of the hospital. Her tears flowing freely and she wiped them away with the back of her white sleeve.

Everything was fine only yesterday, and now it has all fallen apart again. After making enquiries at the reception, she ran as quickly as allowed at the hospital to Carmen's ward.

She found Carmen sleeping peacefully in the temporary ward and slowly lowered herself onto her bed. Afraid of waking her girlfriend, she sat there quietly without touching, just staring at the pale face, her tears rolling down her own in a steady trail.

As Shane brought her hand up to wipe her cheeks, the little movement brought Carmen out of her deep sleep.

"Momma…" Carmen murmured, unable to epen her tired eyes.

"No peach, it's Shane."

"Shane..?" Carmen's eyes opened slowly. She smiled weakly as she attempted to bring a hand up to wipe the tears away.

"How are you doing, baby?" Shane's voice was coarse, lower then it normally was.

Shane leaned down to plant a kiss lightly on Carmen's lips. And Carmen brought her arms around Shane, using the strength that Shane had to lift herself to a sitting position.

"What happened?" Shane asked in concern, lifting away to look into Carmen's eyes.

"I'm not too sure. I remember talking to my family in the kitchen, and all of a sudden, everything went black."

Shane lifted her hand to wipe away her own tears but Carmen's hand got there first. She lovingly stroked away the trails of tears before stroking the cheeks of her sad girlfriend.

As Carmen brought her face closer to Shane's for a kiss, she heard a vague sound of the door clicking. She jerked away and stared at the doorway. Shane turned curiously towards the same direction.

"What is it?"

"I heard the door. I think it is my mother." Carmen whispered very cautiously, as if she was whispering top CIA secrets to an agent. As did many times that day, panic shot through Carmen's veins, blood gushed into her head, causing her vision to blur and the world around her started spinning.

She collapsed her head into Shane's chest, all the while keeping her eyes on the door. Waiting anxiously for it to open, waiting for her mother to step in anytime, waiting for all hell to break loose.

After a while, Shane started stroking Carmen's arm. "Peach, no one's at the door, I'm sure you are hearing things."

"I guess…" Carmen didn't want it to be true, so for now, she was willing to go with the thought that everything was just in her imagination, that she was paranoid. But something wasn't quite right. "Where is my mother?" Carmen lifted away abruptly. Mercedes would not have left her, at least not before she awoken. As best as she could focus, the wheels in her head churned to find an explanation for her missing mother. She refused to believe that the click of the door she heard was from her mother. Anyone else but her mother.

Shane looked worriedly at Carmen then back at the door Carmen was still staring at. 'Don't panic, don't panic…' Were the words ringing in Shane's head. She was terrified of the thought of being found out, but her girlfriend needed her there at the would rather risk the dungeons then to leave her girlfriend again.

"She probably went home or something." Shane reassured Carmen. They look at each other briefly and smiled, both knowing that it wasn't true.

Something else flashed and registered in Carmen's head. "How did you know I was in hospital Shane?"

"Your brother called me… oh my god…" In the midst of all the chaos, Shane didn't realize that she had spoken to both Carmen's mother and brother. She looked up at Carmen and found the same horrified expression on her girlfriend's face. "I talked to your mother too…"

"Oh god…" Carmen groaned as she rested her forehead on Shane's shoulder.

"Hey, maybe they thought I was a guy with my low voice… Or maybe they were panicking too much to realize…" Shane started blabbering, partly to calm Carmen down, but partly for herself as well. She put her arms around Carmen protectively, wanting to block away all her pain.

Suddenly, the door swinged open and they both jumped apart, staring at the door in horror.


	15. Countdown

"Afternoon, girlies." Nurse Rita came bursting through the door. Shane and Carmen both heaved a big sigh of relief.

"You are going to be transferred back to your ward. Now don't you worry, blackouts are not uncommon amongst patients taking a break from the drugs…"

As Nurse Rita continued to blabber whilst busying herself with the preparations, Carmen looked intentively towards the door, expecting her mother to walk through it anytime. 'What if momma comes in and sees Shane?' Carmen stole a glance at Shane, who was asking the usual questions about Carmen's illness. 'Do I hide her like my dirty laundry?'

Carmen was really tired of this cat and mouse game. But the prospects of losing her family were too much to handle now. Suddenly, she turns towards Nurse Rita and asked tentatively. "Do you know where my mother is?"

"Mrs. Morales? I think I saw her heading to the cafeteria with Nurse Jan." Nurse Rita answered absentmindedly as she instructed Shane to help Carmen sit up.

"You can walk? Or do you need a chair?" The small thin Filipina nurse asked.

"Walk"

"She can walk."

Both the love-birds answered at the same time.

"Ah, okay walk." Nurse Rita smiled slyly. "You lean in close to your darling, okay."

"What if Momma comes back for me?" Carmen asked, she felt really torn between Shane and her mother, wishing a miracle happens and she somehow can have both their support at the same time.

"Don't worry yourself, dearie. Nurse Jan will bring her to you."

As Carmen made her way off the bed towards the door, leaning heavily on Shane, a sick sinking feeling washed over her. She didn't know if it was because of the illness or some premonition, but she wasn't about to tell Shane about it. Shane has too much on her plates without this added burden to deal with.

As they made their way down the corridor, Shane felt a pair of eyes staring at them. She twisted a little to look behind her.

There, she saw a figure disappearing into the corner of the corridor, almost as if the person was afraid to be spotted. A cold shiver jolted from her neck to the base of her spine. Was that who she thought it is? Shane paused in her steps as her mind when into overdrive.

"Something wrong, baby?" Carmen asked as she felt the body she was leaning on froze up.

"Huh? Nuh… Nuth'in." Shane snapped out of her little trance and turned her attention back to her girlfriend.

'Screw it all.'

That was what went through both their minds.

* * *

"Get back to work, baby."

Carmen stroked Shane's hand lovingly as she held it close to her chest. She was lying on the ward bed and she couldn't help but feel contentment as Shane gazed at her lovingly.

"I should stay here with you." Shane was adamant about not leaving her side. The last time she left Carmen's side, Carmen ended back in the hospital. She wasn't about to risk it again this time round. If need be, Shane would stick to her girlfriend like glue for eternity.

"Shane, I will be fine, besides, my Momma will be back anytime."

Shane wanted so very much to stay and face Carmen's mother once and for all, but the worried look on Carmen's face told her that she should respect her decision and remain a secret for the time being. There was urgency in Carmen's voice as she tried to persuade Shane to leave.

"I know I'm being selfish Shane," The look of concern on Shane's face broke her heart, "I'm so sorry, but I can't deal now." Carmen's voice quivered slightly.

"Hey, it's cool. You're right, I better hurry back, shouldn't let Dave stand in for me too long."

With a heavy heart, she kissed Carmen on the forehead and tugged her in snuggly.

"Will be back later, peach." Shane said sweetly before placing a lingering kiss softly on her girlfriend's lips.

"Uhum.." Carmen purred as she closed her eyes to rest, wearing a contented smile as Shane exited the room.

As Shane stood outside the ward door, she looked around, wondering if the elusive figured followed them up to the ward. True enough, out of the corner of her eye, she saw a plumpish figure hurrying away and turned into the L of the hallway.

Shane stood there starring, 'Is that who I think it is?' She took a step forward. 'Is it time for that ultimate confrontation?' Shane took another step forward. 'The person obviously does not want to face us and is taking great pains to hide.' Shane stopped dead in her tracks. 'Shouldn't you settle things once and for all?'

'What if you ruin things for her Shane.' Shane asked herself. She never had it as good as Carmen, understanding the importance of family but never truly knowing any herself makes her decision difficult. In the end, Shane knows that it is not her decision to make and she turned the other way and walked on slowly, still trying to decide if she did the right thing.

"Shane."

Someone called out to her from behind and Shane halted. She turned and came face to face with a short plumpish Latina lady, the one she saw hiding… The one she bummed into at the lift. Instantly, she knew.

"Mrs. Morales."


	16. Revelation

Shane stared hard at her shoes, feeling the need to take in every detail on them. There were dirt spots all over her sneakers and she made a mental note to get them washed in the near future. The woman sitting beside Shane was looking straight at her, causing her to fidget a little on the hard and scorching hot bench.

Mercedes took in the details of this Shane in front of her. Shane was very attractive, with beautiful green eyes and a confident demeanor. Well, not so confident now, but she could see that side clearly hidden somewhere. This girl was the embodiment of androgyny, and a very stylish one at that.

"You are a girl, no?" Mercedes said.

"Yes, ma'am." Shane answered softly. Her eyes searched the ground for a hole to crawl into.

"Then why are you dressed like a boy?" Mercedes continued to question.

Shane glanced down at her clothes. Dressed in a long sleeved white cotton shirt and a pair of snug fit jeans, Shane was always confident in her style. But right this minute, she herself wondered why she dressed like that. She didn't think that the approval of Mercedes would mean so much to her, but right now, it did and she felt small. Suddenly, her style became something ridiculously boyish.

"Erm… well, this is me I guess, girly sometimes but mostly like this." Shane attempted a lame explanation.

Mercedes smiled. She couldn't help it. This fidgety young woman was pretty adorable. But she didn't want to let her off the hook so easily, and continued her line of questioning with a straight face.

"And you cut hair for a living, yes?"

"Yeah, I'm a hairstylist." Shane kept her eyes on the ground, still searching for that hole.

"Ah… I see." Mercedes said with contempt.

Shane looked up, confusion in her eyes.

"The hair…" Mercedes pointed to her head. "All messed up."

"Oh." Was all Shane could get out before she went back to inspecting the floor, she wondered if she should have styled it differently, maybe a little neater. Just a little might have done the trick to impress Mercedes. Maybe then she could have gained the approval of her girlfriend's mother.

"You love my daughter?" Deciding to cut to the chase and go in for the kill, Mercedes jumped straight onto the topic Shane was expecting and yet dreading at the same time. When Shane continued to stare at the floor, without so much as a sound, Mercedes felt a little anger grow inside of her. But before she could say anything, Shane sat up straight and looked Mercedes straight in the eyes.

"With my life."

Shane realized that this was the time to take a stand. To fight for the happiness she had worked so hard for. Whether or not it would be a happy ending, at least she had tried.

"Ah…" Mercedes nodded. She sat back and made herself comfortable, waiting for Shane to continue.

"You knew?" Shane quivered a little. Mercedes was like an older version of Carmen, a heavier version . The same jet-black hair that was forcefully straightened, the same intense brown eyes and the same smile. The nose was slightly different; Carmen must have gotten hers from her father. Inside the cool piercing eyes lay a spark of fire, not unlike that of Carmen's when she was deep in thought. It seemed almost impossible to read Mercedes, just like she couldn't read Carmen. When Carmen was happy she laughed, and cried when she was sad, never afraid of speaking her mind and never one to back down from a fight, but when she found out about the cancer, Shane found it more and more difficult to read her. And now it was the same with Mercedes.

Mercedes looked at Shane amused.

"Of course I knew, the question should have been… when?"

Mercedes shrugged a little. "Carmen is my baby, the most angelic of my children, I love her the most, how could I not know?"

"And you never told her." Shane raised her voice a notch. All this time, Carmen had been worried and scared of her mother finding out, but it was all for nothing.

Mercedes gave out a short laugh before saying, her head swayed from side to side, "At first, I was in denial; I refuse to acknowledge it, or believe that it was true."

"But I am a mother, I know my daughter better than she knows herself; plus the fact that the Latin community in L.A. isn't very big."

Shane couldn't help but smile. Mercedes had the same exaggerated expressions as Carmen, when she talked, that always made her smile.

"Carmen took pains to suppress it. I thought it was a passing phase. But after a while, I guess it became something you pretend is not there."

"But… you know…that… that I was…" Shane asked hesitantly.

"I assumed you were a guy at first. Carmen never seemed so happy in her life before you. So happy, but the way she hid you, well, I guess I just knew."

"Carmen never meant to lie to you. It's just that… It was all me… I…"

"Shane, I know I know… don't worry about it. If Carmen is not ready to tell me, then I will continue to hide myself."

"Hide?" Shane's eyes shot wide open. All this time in the hospital, they thought it was great timing and pure luck that Shane would leave right before Mercedes arrived. But now she understood that Mercedes actually waited for her to leave before she appeared. How stupid of her to think that no one would have told Mercedes when the whole hospital knew.

"I'm… so sorry… I…"

"Don't be, I am glad we came face to face at last. No?" Mercedes said in a motherly manner. Shane felt safe with her. If only she had a mother of her own that treated her as nice. The world would be perfect to live in.

"Does… Carmen's siblings know?"

"Oh no no no… Anna would hit the roof. That implusive child. Roddy is just interested in his own stuff, and her other siblings, well they probably too busy with their own family to take notice."

"Shane looked back down on the ground. Her eyes followed this hardworking ant trailing a path with a piece of leaf on its back. That was hard work, but what Shane would have to go through was probably going to be harder. She felt like she let down Carmen's entire family, like she was the cause of the secrets that Carmen and Mercedes had to keep, of the lies they had to tell.

"If you love her, and promise to take care of her, that is all I need to know. If she is happy with you, then I am happy. Because I want her happy."

"Carmen still doesn't know."

"You can choose to tell her about it, though I much prefer her to tell me herself."

Shane felt torn now with an agenda of her own to hide the truth from her Carmen. It bothered her so much that Carmen was feeling all this apprehension of being caught, but at the same time, she could understand why Mercedes would want Carmen to confess on her own. Wrong or right, it was not her place to decide.

* * *

Carmen awoke to the sounds of a Gameboy she was all too familiar with. The gun-rattling sounds could only mean one thing - that Roddy was beside her.

She opened her eyes and turned her head towards the sound. There she found a freshly showered Roddy jabbing intently at his gadget. With a final beep and a cute little tune, Roddy shook his Gameboy and cursed under his breath.

"Busted?" Carmen asked smiling.

Roddy's head jolted up at the sudden voice and jumped up, leaning towards his sister, flabbergasted.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you?" Roddy asked, voice almost in a panic. He still hadn't recovered from his initial shock of having Carmen faint on him.

"No no… You didn't" Carmen smiled at her precious little brother. Roddy was a good boy, he may not have excellent grades like Anna, but he wasn't a spoiled child even though everyone showered him with their attention. He would scrimp and save every penny he had for the things he wanted, and the Gameboy was a good testament of that.

"You came alone?" Carmen asked as she looked around the room for her other family members.

"Anna dropped me here on her way to pick up Carla and her kids. Ricardo will be here as soon as he gets off work."

"Okay… and Momma? Where's Momma?" Carmen realized she had not seen her mother since she blacked out.

"I saw her talking to Shane in the garden when I came in."

"Shane? Shane!" Carmen asked in shock. "You… you knew… about…"

Roddy just shrugged, "It's no secret, I mean it is a secret, but I guess it is not difficult to find out."

"How… how did you…" Carmen fumbled, lost for words. She had so much to ask, but her mind was spinning really fast and she didn't know how to even begin asking.

"Hermana, I may be young, but that doesn't mean I am blind."

"I didn't mean it that way…" Carmen said sadly.

"I know. Well, I figured stuff out awhile ago. They didn't add up for the longest of time, but when I figured you like girls, the pieces all fit together nicely."

"I… oh my gawd… And you told Momma?" Carmen imagined the scene between Shane and her mother turning ugly and she was getting more worried by the minute.

"Nah, I think Momma knew before I did. I guess she was waiting for you to tell her yourself." Roddy shrugged again. He was acting like it was nothing, and Carmen didn't know what to make of it.

'Momma knows… Momma knows… Momma knows...' played over and over in her mind. How was she going to face her mother now? She must have been so hurt when Carmen lied to her time and again.

"Carmen?" Roddy asked concerned as Carmen slipped into a trance.

"You… are not bothered?" Carmen asked suddenly.

Roddy shrugged for the third time nonchalantly. "Why should I be? You are the same hermana I know, that I grew up with. Who you sleep with doesn't make you any less of my hermana."

"And Momma doesn't mind either?"

"I don't know, we never talked about it. I guess not, since she didn't say anything about Angela."


	17. Connection

"Oh my gawd! She knew about Angela…? You knew about Angela…?" Carmen nearly died there and then. The little fling she had in college didn't last very long, and she never ever expected her mother to know about it.

"Dude. Angela's cousin is Rafie, my best friend and her aunt is Momma's regular customer. How did you figure that we would be kept in the dark for long?"

Carmen wanted to kick herself for being the stupidest person on planet earth. She never thought that Angela would say anything since they promised never to mention this. But Carmen figured that Angela probably told on her when she came out. She counted the years in lightning speed. Three years, Momma and Roddy knew about her sexuality for three whole goddamn years. How could she have been so stupid!

"And you… never told me…" Carmen asked with tears in her eyes.

"What's there to tell? It wasn't like I was going to confront you or anything…"

As the tears of gratitude rolled down Carmen's cheek, Roddy sat himself down onto her bed and wiped her tears away.

"Don't cry hermana, I still love you. No matter what, I will stand by you."

Carmen crashed her brother in for a big hug, crying appreciatively into his shoulder. Her thoughts wandered to Shane and her momma, wondering if she should go out there now. 'What was momma saying to Shane? Would Shane be able to take it? This wasn't Shane's battle; she shouldn't be subjected to this alone.'

Her tears continued as she realized the agony she had subjected her mother to. Her refusal to include her mother into this part of her life must have been hurtful to her. 'What had she thought all these years? What does Anna think?'

"Who else knows?" Carmen asked apprehensively.

"Well, I don't know about Carla and hermano, but I'm sure Prima Anna doesn't."

"Prima Anna doesn't know about what?"

Anna burst into the room with little Jose in her arms.

"Aunt Carmen!" Screamed 5 year-old Paulos and 7 year-old Diana before anyone had time to react.

Carmen soon found herself surrounded by her little nieces and nephews and all of her siblings. This was a welcome distraction from this new turn of events and she soon immersed herself into the chattering and the laughing, finding solace in the mindless babbling of the kids trying to tell her about the going-ons of their lives.

Then, Mercedes walked into the room. She greeted her brood as she would any other day. As usual, she came close to Carmen's bed and gave her a motherly hug. And then she asked her daughter how she was as she would any other day.

But Carmen knew. While her mother stroked her cheeks gently, she could see the love and the understanding that lay deep within her eyes. Her tears welled up and she grabbed her mother into a tight embrace. She held on for as long as she could before anyone else suspected something was wrong. As she planted an appreciative kiss on her mother's cheek, she made a mental note to talk to her and ask for her forgiveness soon.

Her family came and went, and by nightfall, Carmen was settled in her bed, feeling a lot better then before. She waited eagerly for the arrival of her baby. She hadn't seen Shane since the time Roddy said Shane and her mother were talking and she was anxious to know what came out of that.

'What if Shane was ordered to leave and never come back.' Carmen shuddered at the thought. 'No way. Shane wouldn't leave me…' She thought defiantly, 'But… what if she did?' It broke her heart to think Shane would give up so easily, or that her mother would be so cruel. But as the evening dragged on, she became more and more afraid that it would come true.

Every sound of the hallway and the door clicking open, as the nurses floated in and out, made Carmen jump a little and she craned her neck for signs of Shane.

She looked over at her cell phone lying on the dresser top, wondering if she should at least give Shane a call before panicking. 'But I'm not like that.' She didn't want to be like those possessive and stifling girlfriends that checked in on their partners every other minute. 'Shane needs time alone.' Carmen reasoned. Her baby had been shuffling her time between her and work, so much so that she didn't have any time to herself. Carmen understood that Shane needed some time alone: thought processing, or even just talking to her friends. Carmen knew she shouldn't be so selfish, she couldn't help herself.

She picked up her cell phone and dialed Shane's number on her speed dial, but hung up as soon as the first ring got thru. 'No! I'm not going to be that kind of girlfriend.' Carmen thought, reminding herself of how insecurities and fear could be damaging to a relationship. As she looked around the depressing hospital room, she decided that a breath of fresh air would clear her head a bit. She glanced back at her phone for a few moments. 'Fuck it!' Carmen threw the phone onto her bed and proceeded to put on her slippers. She walked briskly away from the room, not realizing that her cell phone was vibrating with an incoming call…

* * *

Shane came through the door running, she received a call from Carmen but when she called back, Carmen didn't answer. She came up to the empty bed and saw that the cell phone she had been ringing was left there. Checking the phone, she noticed '8 missed calls' and all from one number, hers.

Shane willed herself to calm down and went out to the nurse's station, asking the familiar nurses if they had any idea where Carmen was. Not one of them was aware that Carmen had snuck out. And by then, there was already buzz rising around. Not wanting to make it a big deal until she was sure that Carmen was really missing, Shane decided to check out the possible places that Carmen might have gone to. She first checked the restrooms, then the TV room, and when she confirmed Carmen wasn't there, she headed towards the elevators, drafting a plan in her head. 'First the cafeteria on the 7th floor, then the garden on the 6th, followed by the ward lobby on the same level. After that there was the 3rd floor to check out the recreation room and then the first floor lobby.' If all that fails, then she would start to panic.

* * *

The dying rays of the sun filled the garden with an orange glow. It was deserted save for the crickets and the birds that made it their home. The lamps situated at the corners of the garden were litted just, and a little more light came from the hospital windows overlooking the garden on the sixth floor.

Carmen made her way to the centre of the garden with small steady steps. This was the same garden that Mercedes and Shane had that conversation. 'What went on?' Carmen closed her eyes and willed the thought away. 'Just enjoy the moment…' She opened her eyes slowly and took a deep breath, stretching her arms as she did so, taking in the sights and the sounds of the peaceful night. The sound of a car honk brought her attention towards the edge of the garden and she slowly made her way there.

As she rested her arms on the latch of the high wall, Carmen observed the city beneath her, the cars that went by, and a bunch of kids fooling around along the sidewalk. Training her eyes further off, Carmen wondered if she was able to make out the area that they lived in. Her home, the place where she was at her happiest. Shane and her shared so many good memories there, along with Jenny and all of their friends.

A breeze rose gently and Carmen closed her eyes once again contentedly. She caught the scent of the rose bed near her and breathed in deeply. She tried to make out the other scents, the evening dew, the chlorophyll of the leaves, and… and… this wonderful smell that was so familiar. Carmen took another deep breath, trying to make out the smell. It smelled like Shane. Yes… Shane! 'What did Shane smell like?' She thought as she took another deep breath. A smile crept up her lips as she took slow, steady breaths. She couldn't make out the smell, but she loved it all the same.

She vaguely felt a breath on her face and shortly after, felt a pair of arms engulf her arms on the latch as a slighted body pressed into her.

No wonder it smelled like Shane, it is Shane… Carmen's smile deepened as she purred. She leaned her body back into the intruder as she felt a head resting between her shoulders.

Shane rested her head between Carmen's shoulders for a few moments, glad that she had found her girlfriend. Shane planted a kiss on her shoulder before tilting it slightly to kiss the base of her baby's neck. She placed another kiss lightly just above that and Carmen purred in response.

Shane trailed her kisses lightly up Carmen's neckline and when she reached Carmen's earlobe; she proceeded to capture it into her mouth, sucking on it lightly. It drew a quiet laughter from Carmen and as Carmen turned her head slightly, she trailed a path across Carmen's cheek, never breaking the contact of lips to skin. She rested her lips on the dent that Carmen's smile ended. Only when she felt Carmen's smile faded a little did she lift her lips away. Shane grinned as Carmen turned her head a little more to face Shane, flashing her with a full Cheshire cat smile.

Shane stole a quick peck on Carmen's lips. Then her lips caught the top of the nose of the Latina. She suckled on it lightly, drawing a fit of girly giggles from Carmen. Carmen pulled away sharply, but quickly replaced her lips on Shane's mouth. They held the position for a long time, neither deepening the kiss nor breaking it. When at last they came apart, Shane whispered in Carmen's ear, "Hey peach."

Sighing contentedly, Carmen replied with a soft "Hi…" before adding "I missed you…"

"And I missed you too… very much." Shane whispered into Carmen's ear again. Carmen had no idea how much; Shane had desperately wanted to hold her in her arms ever since the conversation with Mercedes.

"Shane… I…"

"Yeah?"

Carmen had so many questions for Shane, but she didn't know where to begin. She sighed and turned back into her lover's embrace, looking ahead into the horizon instead of talking.

'Should I tell her…?' Shane thought, still fighting that internal battle as to whether to let Carmen know about the conversation with Mercedes. "I much prefer her to tell me herself." Mercedes' words rang in her head and she decided that it was up to Carmen to come out.

Meanwhile, Carmen was deep in thought as well. She wanted to know what Shane and her mother talked about. But she didn't want to burst this bubble she was in. What she didn't know really wouldn't hurt her. And acknowledging to Shane that she knew meant that she would have to face her mother. Shame and the fear of letting her mother down caused her to want to hole up more into her shell. 'Not now… just not now…' Carmen found all sorts of excuses to avoid thinking about this issue.

"Hey… What are you thinking 'bout?" Shane whispered again and she brought her arms closer.

"Nothing… Shane… I was really worried… that you decided not to come tonight." Carmen said in a small voice as she leaned her head closer into Shane's cheek.

"Hmm… I just went home to shower. So that I would come and stay here with you…" Shane smiled, though it didn't quite meet her eyes. The thought of keeping a secret of such importance really didn't sit well with her.

"Oh." Carmen turned and brought her arms around Shane, immersing fully into a body fitting hug.

"I was worried too ya know, I got your missed call but when I called back you didn't answer." Shane embraced Carmen tighter as if to emphasize her fear of losing her, and Carmen buried her head into the nape of her neck.

"Oh." Carmen said again, her voice muffled by the fabric of Shane's blazer. They stayed this way for a long time, almost contented in the comfort of the embrace. Almost, because Shane was trying hard not to think about the full bosom pressed tightly against her. Her hands were spread on Carmen's upper back, and as if they had a mind of their own, traveled downwards to right above Carmen's ass.

Shane licked her lips and swallowed deeply, willing her hands to travel back upwards. And Carmen giggled, sensing Shane's internal turmoil.

"What?" Shane asked in a slightly defensive tone.

"Nothing…" Carmen giggled again as she lifted away to look into Shane's eyes.

When Shane's raised an eyebrow, as if to say 'right…..,' Carmen chuckled and brought her lips up to Shane's, letting Shane know that she felt the same way too. She shivered a little as Shane deepened the kiss and shivered a little more as their tongues intertwined.

When they both had to come up for air, Carmen lifted away once again so that she could look at her lover. But as soon as she did, she shivered again, this time it was because of the sudden drop in temperature. She wanted to lean back into Shane's warm embrace, but Shane felt the shiver and was not about to let her darling catch a cold.

"Let's go back in, peach." Shane said as Carmen tried to pull into an embrace again. Carmen murmured a protest, eager to prolong the moment. But as much as Shane would love to, Carmen's health was of top priority in her list.

"Come on, it's getting cold and I'm sure the nurses at the ward are panicking because you disappeared."

Shane pulled away and held Carmen's hand firmly. She gave Carmen an understanding smile before planting a kiss softly on the back of Carmen's hand. Then holding it close to her heart, Shane led Carmen back into the building.

Carmen's pout turned into a soft blissful smile.


	18. Re-Connection

"Lets go over to the Planet."

Shane suggested as she led Carmen through the carpark of the hospital. After two days of observation, Dr Washey gave Carmen the go-ahead for out-patient treatment. That meant that Carmen can go back to leading a normal life, as long as she took her chemo pills regularly, and go back to the hospital three times a week for her radio therapy sessions.

"Hmm…" Carmen hummed, she wasn't feeling very enthusiastic about going over to the planet, having just downed her pills and her stomach was churning inside out, but she didn't want to turn Shane down. Besides, it was also a good chance to meet her friends outside of the hospital environment. In the end, even though Carmen's insides were protesting, she smiled and said "Okay."

"Great!" Shane flashed Carmen a huge smile. As they settled comfortably into the Jeep, Shane threw Carmen's overnight bag to the back seat. Before she started the engine, her cell phone vibrated and she flipped it open to read the text message that came in. Shane grinned coyly but when she stole a glance at Carmen, her grin died, somewhat suspiciously. She cleared her throat and flipped the phone back shut, then instead of depositing it back into her jeans pocket, she left it on top of the dashboard.

Carmen saw Shane's response to the text message, and as she eyed the phone from it's place on the dashboard, she asked as casually as she could muster, "Who's that?"

Shane, concentrating on turning out of the carpark, said absentmindedly "Huh?"

"Who sent you that text message?"

"Huh… oh… that… erm… no one…"

"Hmm… Okay." Carmen tried to keep it light, blocking out all that nagging suspicion she had. Eyeing the phone again, she fought the urge to grab it and flip it open. She constantly reminded herself that she was not a possessive girlfriend, and that Shane was entitled to her own privacy, Carmen gripped her hands on her jeans and tried to relax herself.

Shane stole a loving peek at Carmen, and with a happy grin, she reached across and held Carmen's hand, bringing it the her lips. As Shane held on to her girlfriend's hands, cushioning her cheek with it, Carmen felt much better and relaxed more into her seat. 'Must be the chemo swinging my mood and making me overly sensitive.' Carmen reasoned.

When Shane pulled up at the Planet's, her cell phone vibrated again. Both of them eyed the gadget suspiciously. Shane cleared her throat and quickly grabbed her phone and replaced it into her pocket without even checking her message. She flashed a disarming smile at Carmen and switched off the engine.

"Let's go, peach." She said as she pulled the keys out and got out of the car. Carmen got out slowly, still very curious about the text messages that Shane was getting. Just when she intended to ask Shane about it as she came up to her side, Shane gave her another wide happy smile and pecked her on the lips. And all was forgotten for the time being.

"Carmen!" Kit screamed as Shane and Carmen walked through the door. They took a seat at their usual table and Kit joined them as soon as she could. She pulled Carmen up and gave her a great big hug. "I'm so glad you are here, baby girl." Then she turned to Shane and scoffed, "And you too. Now to get some food in that scrawny ass of yours."

"You sound like my mother." Carmen laughed. But as soon as the word 'Mother' came up, bother her smile and Shane's smile dipped a little.

"Yeah well, Shane needs this motherly touch sometimes," Kit scolded, oblivious to the slight change in mood. "I wonder if she even eats, running around so much. She looks like a cardboard figure now."

"Hey! I eat. I'm just born this way." Shane protested.

"Aww… Baby. Thank you." Carmen leaned in to place a kiss on Shane's cheek.

"Huh? What for?"

"For all the time you spent on me," Carmen pecked Shane on the lips. "All the love you give," Another peck to the lips, " And all…"

"Hey hey... I'm still here." Kit made her presence known in a sing-song manner.

Shane chuckled quietly as Carmen flashed a huge grin at Kit. Settling back into her seat, Carmen rested her hand on Shane's thigh and Shane gripped her hands in affection, subtlety playing with the fingers.

"So. What would you be having?" Kit asked, resuming her role as waitress and proprietress.

"Erm… My usual."

"And…" Kit asked exaggeratedly.

"Okay okay, and I will have a Planet's special club sandwich. How does that sound?" Shane hated when people get on her ass about something, but she couldn't help but feel touched at the concern Kit was showing.

"Better!

"Carmen?" Shane turned to Carmen to see what she wanted to order, but saw that Carmen had turned slightly green in the face. She leaned in closer worried and asked again, "Carmen? You okay?"

Carmen felt her stomach turn as she tried to visualize the different dishes that Kit sold.

"Erm. Yeah yeah, I'm fine." Carmen tried to mask her discomfort. "I think I will have some tea please." That to Carmen seemed like the safest for consumption for the time being.

After a few more pleasantries, Kit went off with their order and Shane resumed showering all her attention to her girlfriend again. What she didn't realize was that someone had walked up behind them.

"Can I take a seat?"

Carmen felt Shane's entire body tense up as Dana took a seat opposite them. She gave a comforting squeeze to Shane's hand, knowing that they hadn't spoken since that incident at Bette's place.

"Hey Dana!" Carmen chirped, trying to bring down the thick tension in the atmosphere.

Shane gave a small forceful smile, her hand holding Carmen's scooted it a few inches nearer to her body, as if that would provide the security she needed. She wasn't usually a petty person, but somehow couldn't bring herself to resolve the awkwardness existing between Dana and her.

"Hi Carmen, I'm so glad you are fine. I… I'm sorry I couldn't vis…"

"Hey, it's totally fine Dana, I'm just really happy to see you now." Carmen reached over and squeezed Dana's hand. Giving her the support she needed to talk to Shane.

Dana managed a small smile and looked over apprehensively at Shane. After that display at Bette's place, Dana felt like an idiot and was too embarrassed to face anyone. She felt so miserable because she couldn't talk to Shane, nor could she talk to Alice. During the days of self-imposed solitary confinement, Dana came to terms with herself and now want to right all the things that had gone wrong.

"Shane." Dana started, she sighed as she saw the blank look on Shane's face staring at the table top, the muscles in the face all tensed up and the jaw was crunched.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry I acted like an idiot. I was totally out of line, I know that now and really hope that you find it in your heart to forgive me, forgive what I said."

Shane continued staring at the table top for a long time. It was as if she didn't hear a word Dana said. Concerned, Carmen brought her free hand up to Shane's chest and asked, "Honey?"

Shane suddenly looked straight into Dana's eyes, "I don't think I'm the one you should apologize to."

Dana sighed again. "Look, I'm sorry for what I said to you. And I'm sorry for how I have been treating Alice.

"You are damn right you should be."

"I… well, I just wanted to hold on, ya'know. I don't want to lose my best friend. When she started distancing herself from me, I felt like I was losing her."

The lines on Shane's face soften, and Carmen could feel the tension leaving her baby, her grip loosen and there was even a smile forming on Shane's face.

"Dana, you can't treat her like a substitute."

"I know… It's not that… it's… I…" Dana huffed sadly, looking near to tears as she looked back and forth at Shane and Carmen. "I think I still love her."

"Well, it's about time you realize that." Shane at last smiled.

"But I don't know if I can live with her."

"Dana, either you love her and live with her flaws, or you give her up completely and both of you move on with your lives. No in-betweens."

"I know…" Dana sighed again. "I promise I will sort it out and talk to her okay. Just please don't stay mad at me."

"You know I wouldn't stay mad at you." Shane reached out both her hands and grabbed Dana's hand reassuringly. "I just don't wanna see anyone unhappy."

Dana and Shane shared a heartfelt smile.

All was good until Kit brought their order up to them. There was a side of wedges that accompanied the club sandwich and the oily smell of it induced a violent protest in Carmen's throat. Covering her mouth with her hands, she ran into the washroom.

She rushed into a stall and kneeled down before the bowl and buffed. She heard Shane running in after her and she kicked the door shut.

"Baby... Let me in!"

"I'll be fine… Just wait outside… Okay?" Carmen said in between buffs, her voice coarsed from all that vomiting.

Shane ran her hands through her hair, fustrated as hell, because Carmen was shutting her out again. But she understood the need to give Carmen the space and privacy of something she deemed as embarrassing. As she paced around outside the stall, listening out to whether Carmen was feeling better, her cell phone vibrated in her pocket.

Carmen realized that Shane had stopped pacing around in the washroom outside her cubicle. She jumped a little when she heard Shane talk, but realize that she wasn't talking to her but to the phone.

"Hello, yeah… Sorry I didn't reply your text message. No.. Erm, it wasn't convenient. No… no… It's fine. I'll call you back… Yeah…"

Carmen started to get annoyed as she continued to eavesdrop on the conversation. She heard Shane answer a series of questions, and Shane sounded way too nice. It didn't sound like she was talking to any of her friends, nor did it sound like a work related call. The vomiting wasn't helping to calm Carmen down and her thoughts started taking on exaggerated forms. 'Shane is obviously hiding something. Not convenient. Hah.' She thought, and couldn't stop thinking. She got more annoyed, at Shane, at herself, at having to vomit her guts out, and basically she was annoyed at the entire world.

"… I've gotta go. Talk to you later. Thanks… You too… Bye."

As Carmen exited the stall, she walked past Shane and without so much of a glance at her, went straight to the wash basin and started to wash up. Her mind was still filled with hurtful things and her mood had visibly soured. But Shane seemed oblivious, she seemed to associate the change in mood solely with the discomfort of vomiting and waited patiently behind Carmen for her to finish.

"Ready?"

Shane held out her hand for Carmen as Carmen dried her hands with the disposable towel. 'How could she still smile at me like nothing is wrong.' The demon in Carmen's head screamed. Even though she is utterly annoyed by now, she took Shane's hand anyway and they walked back to the table.


	19. Pleasure

"Hey, you've been awfully quiet." Shane asked softly.

"Hmm… I'm tired." Carmen said. It was not far from the truth though. After she hurled, she felt weak and all she wanted to do was to get home and sleep. But the real reason was that she was still annoyed.

After Shane led Carmen out of the bathroom, she asked Kit to pack her meal for takeaway and paid up. They quickly said their goodbyes to Dana, and Shane drew Dana in for a full embrace. Shane wanted to get Carmen home as soon as they can so that she could rest.

Shane sat down beside Carmen with a cup of lukewarm water, and Carmen took it without saying anything. She sank deep into the cushion as Shane attempted to put her arms around her.

"What's wrong?" Shane asked, feeling a little hurt as she felt the rejection from Carmen. She started to realize that there was something up other then the chemo-induced vomiting.

"Nothing…" Carmen said as she scooted closer and leaned on Shane's chest. Feeling extremely drained, Carmen fell right asleep against the softness of Shane's breast, in the comfortable embrace of her lover.

* * *

She awoke to find herself lying in her bed. Looking around for Shane, her heart raced rapidly as she realized the house was filled with silence. Feeling much better after the nap, she threw the blanket off her and felt the cool air in the room caress her bare skin. Only then did she notice that she was undressed. Shane must have helped her out of her clothes and put her to bed.

She put on a robe and walked out of the room quietly in search of her lover. As she came up to the kitchen soundlessly, she found Shane sitting at the dining table reading a novel. Carmen stood there quietly admiring her girlfriend. Her long slender legs propped up on the dinner table. Long fingers caressed the coffee mug as her thin skillful lips took a sip of coffee.

Carmen hid herself behind the wall as Shane suddenly turned her head and flipped a page. She wanted to take in the sight of her lover a little while more before making her presence known. but just as she set her eyes on the half-eaten sandwich laying by Shane's feet, her stomach growled loudly and Shane turned startled.

"Hey peach." Shane smiled warmly as she got out of her seat.

The warmth of the smile touched Carmen deep in her heart as she walked up to her baby.

"Hey." Carmen said as she brought her arms around Shane's waist. She got on her tip-toes a little, bringing her lips up to capture Shane's., and tighten her arms around her.

Shane ran her lips softly across Carmen's as she brought her arms up to embrace Carmen. She felt Carmen fit herself snuggly into her body and felt the Latina's hands cup her ass and pressed her in tightly. She pulled away a little as she eyed Carmen questioningly, but Carmen just pushed in closer, taking Shane's breath away.

Shane drew her arms tighter around Carmen as she deepened the kiss, taking her time to savor the taste of Carmen's sweet lips.

Carmen's hands traced a path up to Shane's front and ran her hands along the length to Shane's breast. She cupped them, gently at first, but started to add pressure as she massaged them in a rhythmic circle, drawing a moan out of Shane.

Wanting to feel skin, Carmen retracted her hands sharply and snaked them under Shane's shirt, back to her breasts. She felt her lanky lover's nipples harden and took both buds into her fingers and tugged softly at them. Shane groaned deep in her throat, defenseless against Carmen's assault. The pleasurable sensations clouded her senses and she was unable to stop what Carmen was doing.

Carmen rolled the buds between her fingers and pulled at it lightly. Her thumbs left the buds as they came to the underside of the breasts, cupping both of them fully in her palms. Shane drew in a sharp breath and wanted to pull away, but Carmen kept her lips firmly on Shane's and silently demanded that Shane be obedient. She traced her fingernails slowly down Shane's sides and when she got to the ends of the shirt, tugged it upwards. Shane lifted her arms to the air and allowed Carmen to pull away the shirt. Impatiently, she took the ends of it and threw it out of the way, eager to replace her hands on Carmen's breasts to return the favor. But Carmen pulled away a little.

Disappointment flooded Shane's senses as she felt the distance between their bodies. As she brought her lust filled eyes to look at Carmen, she realized Carmen was loosening the bow of her robe. With a tug, the ends fell open, and she allowed Shane's orbs access to her fully naked body before fitting herself snuggly back onto Shane. Body against body, skin against skin. Shane found herself getting wet as Carmen's hardened nipples grazed the underside of her own breasts. She growled a little and eagerly crushed her lips back onto Carmen's.

The Latina ran her hands down her lover's smooth back and came to rest on the elastic tie of Shane's linen pants. Her hands stayed there for only a split second before lifting the elastic band of both her pants and her underwear to fit them on the round of Shane's ass. Her fingers moved softly on her ass and the sensations tickled Shane deep in her groin.

Carmen drew her hands out and they came round to the front of her lover's pants. Slowly, torturously, she slid her hands into the front of Shane's boy shorts. Her right fingers starting sliding in the mess of curls and her left circled behind to cup her butt cheek again. Just as her fingers came up to Shane's wetness, she felt a hand come up around her wrist and stilled her.

"We can't." Shane said breathlessly.

"Yes, we can." Carmen said as her fingers pushed forth, coming in contact with Shane's slickness. Shane drew a sharp breath but she continued to say huskily, "But the doc…"

"The good doctor approves…" Carmen grinned mischievously; Shane raised an eyebrow at Carmen, wondering how long had Carmen known that…. Shane shivered as she heard Carmen whisper in her ear, "Let me pleasure you."

"You sure it's….:"

"Just. Shut. Up. Shane." Carmen purred seductively as she lifted to reclaim her girlfriend's lips.

Shane closed her eyes and threw her head back, fighting a moan as she felt Carmen's hand entangle in her curls. She moaned again when Carmen glided her fingers around her wetness. "Mmm…" Carmen made a sound, but before Shane could react, Carmen retracted her fingers out of Shane's pants.

The loss was unbearable and Shane breath caught midway. She felt Carmen trace her hands along every inch of her body, fingers tapping softly, as if she was playing an imaginary tune on the piano, they glazed the skin along her arms until they intertwined with Shane's fingers.

Pulling lightly, Carmen walked towards the bedroom and Shane eagerly followed. She still wasn't sure about the whole situation and asked, somewhat breaking the mood.

"You sure you don't wanna eat first."

"Oooh… I will be… eating…" Carmen purred as she grinned sexily at Shane.

The words were enough to drive Shane over the edge with anticipation. And the minute they walked into the bedroom, Shane pinned Carmen onto the door, her paws started wondering around the mocha body.

"Uh uh… Stay." Carmen instructed as she pushed Shane off her. She wagged her finger at Shane and with that one finger, pointed to the spot between Shane's breasts and pushed her to walk backwards towards the bed. She halted them midway and Carmen took a step back to admire the form of the goddess in front of her, taking in every detail of this enticing body. Her eyes gazed lustily downwards, pausing for a long time at the small breasts; she frowned when she saw that the pants were still in place.

While Carmen was watching Shane, Shane was also taking in the sight of the Latina in front of her. Carmen saw the lusty look on Shane's face and laughed, she parted the ends of her robe widely to let Shane have a better view and Shane was practically drooling from the prize in front of her. Shane made a move to jump on her, but Carmen was determined to take things as slow as possible, knowing that this would be the first encounter in months.

She pointed the same index finger at Shane directly at her nose. And the look of authority on her face caused Shane to stop in her tracks. Carmen took a step forward and bent down, her hands coming up slowly to Shane's waist. She placed her lips softly on the collarbone of her lover, and as she glided the pants down slowly, her lips followed the same excruciating descent.

When her lips found a nipple, Carmen stopped her route downwards to take it entirely in her mouth. Her tongue circled it lightly and with one last flick of it, she left the nipple and continued her descent.

"Tease." Shane cried out, her voice deep and husky. Carmen smiled as she placed kisses on Shane's bare skin. When at last she got the garments to the ankles, her lips came to rest on Shane's hipbone, teasingly avoiding Shane's center.

Shane took one step back out of her pants and undies at Carmen's encouragement. She took another step as she kicked the garment away. By this time, Shane was very hot and bothered, she reached out to grab Carmen again, eager for some bodily contact. But suddenly, Carmen shoved her forcefully, sending her crushing backwards onto the bed. Shane elbowed herself up, confused eyes glimmering with sexual frustration. Carmen just stood there, taking her time admire every inch of the body in front of her. She registered the frustration in Shane's eyes and just smiled, continuing to torment her lover with only her gaze. She stared long and hard up between Shane's legs as it was exposed to her in all its glory. Carmen felt herself getting wet as she saw Shane's pussy glimmer in the dim light.

Shane wanted to move towards Carmen again, but Carmen instructed again, "Stay." She lifted her robe off her shoulders and let it slip to the floor. Knowing that Shane was staring hungrily at her, she ran her hands all over her body in a slow dance. She rubbed her breasts suggestively and then glided her hands down to her center. Shane just sucked in her breath, wanting very much to be Carmen's hands at the moment. Carmen took a step towards Shane, placing her hand on each knee of her girlfriend; she parted the lengthy legs and fitted herself between them. She bent over the length of Shane's upper torso to capture the rosy thin lips. Shane frantically tried to deepen the kiss but Carmen only ran her tongue along the outer lips before pulling away.

"Let me pleasure you." She said softly again and brought her head down onto Shane's breasts. A nipple got trapped in Carmen's mouth even though Shane was thrashing around. Carmen's left hand snaked up to circle her other breast, and every twirl of her tongue made, every flick of the tongue on the bud, her hand echoed on the other breast. Shane drew a deep breath in as she arched her body upwards, feeling herself getting wetter by the second. She grinded her center up on Carmen's belly to show just how wet she was.

Carmen ignored Shane's silent plea, choosing instead to turn her attention to the other breast and she repeated the same torturous process all over again.

"Fuck Carmen!" Shane growled frustrated, her head thrown back and her hands gripped the sheets tightly.

Satisfied at drawing such a reaction from Shane, Carmen placed soft kisses down to her belly button. She circled the hole with her tongue and jabbed it right in, knowing that it would cause a sharp sensation deep in Shane's groin. When she felt Shane's body jerk, she continued her path down to the mess of curls.

Carmen went down on her knees and knelt in front of Shane's core. He hands ran along the creamy inner thighs as she pushed them wider apart. She brought her nose right to the center and took a deep breath in, relishing in the sweet smell of Shane's honey. Then she exhaled hard, the gush of hot air caused Shane to shiver with delight. Carmen licked the wetness around Shane's core, carefully avoiding the sensitive pleasure points and Shane growled through gritted teeth, "Fuck…"

Utterly pleased, Carmen stuck her tongue out and ran it on Shane's clit, the moans that came out of Shane spurred her on to quicken her pace. Her skillful tongue danced around Shane's swollen clit in a waltz, but it still avoided the center. Shane swung her hips up; hoping that the skillful tongue would come into contact where she needed it the most, but Carmen only continued her play on her clit, bringing her nearly over the edge.

"I'm… about… to cum… Fuck!" Shane growled again, and Carmen demanded, "Not yet." Her fingers held the outer lips of Shane's center and she glided her tongue down to the enticing hole. She circled the hole teasingly before she stuck it into the sweet core, and Shane arched her body tensely in pleasure. Keeping her lips firmly on Shane's pussy, she darted her tongue in and out of the hole. She felt Shane's body jerk once, and then again, but her tongue refused to relent.

"Fuck… Fuck fuck…" Shane growled as she came, Carmen's tongue continued its assault as it occasionally darted out to lick the juices that came gushing out. As Shane came down from her high, Carmen inserted two fingers into the slickness, causing Shane to moan all over again. She followed the rhythmic pattern that her lover too on and her tongue continued to dance around the clit. With a final trust, Carmen bent her index finger at an angle she knew would definitely find Shane's g-spot, and true enough, it sent Shane flying over the edge again.

Carmen licked up every last drop of Shane's juices as she came down from her high and snaked slowly along her lover's body. She placed her hands on either side of Shane's head, supporting herself as she looked at her girlfriend's pleasured face. Licking her lips satisfied, she brought her face down and kissed her lover squarely on the lips.

* * *

Shane awoke, stretching contentedly, after all these months of remaining celibate, she finally was rewarded with the pleasures Carmen gave. And Carmen really gave. It bothered her a little that throughout the night, Carmen didn't allow Shane to make love to her, choosing only to make Shane cum. But Shane was determined to return the favor this morning, as soon as she finds out if it was okay.

Shane rubbed the sleep from her eyes and turned to Carmen's side of the bed, only to find it empty. She sat up with a start, wondering if it had only been a dream, but her sore body told her another tale. She quickly put on her undies and checked in the bathroom, hoping to find Carmen there.

But when she found it empty, Shane grabbed a shirt and hurried out of the room in search of her baby. The silence roared in Shane's ears as panic seeped through her veins. Her Carmen was nowhere to be found and it was scaring the daylights out of her.

Before Shane decided to do something drastic like call the cops, she spied a little note pinned on the fridge and scurried over. Grabbing it with shaking hands, she read the message, clearly written in bold.

 _Gone to my mother's._

Love Carmen.


	20. Understanding

Carmen stood in her mother's kitchen, chopping up carrots and cabbages absentmindedly. Mercedes and her sister Carla were chattering the sun down, updating on the gossips in the neighborhood.

"…and Carmen is not listening at all." Both Mercedes and Carla stared intently at Carmen, but she was still in her own world, oblivious to the fact that her mother and her sister had stopped talking.

"Carmen? Are you okay?" Carla touched Carmen's forearm lightly, and she jumped.

"Huh? What? Oh yeah… Uncle Norm is really sweet." Mercedes put down the ladle she was holding and placed her hands on her hips.

"We stopped talking about Uncle Norm ten minutes ago." Mercedes mused. "Okay. What's wrong, Carmen. Are you feeling ill?" Mercedes frowned as she asked with concern.

"Nothing, momma."

"You appear in my house at 6am in the morning, and had been in a daze for the entire time. What's wrong?"

"Really nothing, mamita… I just miss you, that's all."

"You fight with Shane?" Mercedes asked knowingly.

"No momma, we didn't fight."

Carmen looked at Mercedes, tears unknowingly started welling in her eyes. She didn't know what they were for, she only knew that there was something weighing down in her heart. About Shane, about her mother. And now Mercedes seemed to be able to see through her.

Carla put her arms comfortingly around Carmen. Carmen just stayed silent, concentrating on making sure every piece of carrot she chopped was of equal size.

After the intensive loving, Carmen still felt empty inside. She was hungry for Shane and the whole night through she made Shane come. She knew the way Shane screamed her name was proof that Shane was hers and only hers. But she wanted more. What might that be, she didn't know. As she laid in bed with Shane dozing by her side, she found herself unable to think, still full of lust every time her hands came in contact with skin of her lover. So she got out of bed and went out into the hall.

Carmen figured that she wanted Shane to be upfront with her about everything. The mystery caller was weighing heavy in her mind and she wanted to prove to Shane and to herself that Shane was hers alone. But it still wasn't enough. Carmen love Shane, and she knew Shane love her deeply as well. So what was wrong then?

Carmen stared at the ceiling of the living room. She wanted very much to touch Shane again, to feel the security she needed from being close to her lover. But she knew that as soon as she got near her baby, all she was going to think about was tasting her all over again.

Carmen walked to the kitchen and popped her pills, she was late by three hours or so, but figured that being late is better then not taking the pills at all.

Deciding that she wasn't going to get any sleep tonight, Carmen snuck into the bedroom again and got dress in a tee and jeans. Maybe a long drive around would help clear her pathetic little mind. The sight of Shane sprawled on the bed brought a smile onto Carmen's lips and with slow quiet steps, she placed a kiss on top of her baby's head before stepping out of the room.

As she drove around, her mind raced a mile a minute, so many issues colliding into one and blurring out. 'What if… No… Don't go there Carmen.' Carmen didn't want to think of the worst possibility. But inevitably, the thought came, 'What if her mother disowns her and then she realized that Shane was cheating on her. What if that ever happened? She wouldn't have anywhere to go; no one to turn to.'

Selfishly, she contemplated on not telling her mother, that way, she would always be sure of the sanctuary of home being available to her at anytime. 'But… that's not fair! To momma, or to me!' She knew she was gay, and had been for the longest of time. When she took Shane's nipples in her lips, she knew it was exactly what she wanted for the rest of her life. 'But what about momma? Will she be okay with that? And Carla? And Anna? Oh god Anna…' Carmen's face cringed up, nearly breaking into a sob. She didn't want to lose anyone in her family.

She pulled up in front of her mother's house, not realizing that she drove into the neighborhood until she saw her mother's white picket fences. A quick glance at the clock and she realized that it was already 4.43am. This was insanely early to disturb her family, so Carmen switched off the car's ignition and settled into the seat. Remembering that Shane always used to keep a pack of cigarettes in the glove compartment, 'just in case', Carmen opened it to try her luck. She rampaged through the junk in there till she came across an old forgotten pack of Marlboros.

A further search led her to an old disposable lighter and Carmen decided to throw caution to the wind and lighted a cigarette.

The stick tasted old, and Carmen knitted her eyebrows. She took another puff, and though the dullness bothered her, Carmen rolled the smoke in her mouth, grateful for some distraction.

 _"Please can I have a puff?"_

 _"No!"_

 _"Please? Pretty please?"_

 _Shane laughed as she lovingly shook her head, "No peach, I tell you what, I quit smoking with you. Okay? Good for your health, good for mine."_

Carmen smiled at the memory, but immediately felt guilty about the cigarette she had between her fingers. She would be mad if she knew about it. 'And would she be mad if she found me gone?' Carmen thought. The guilt didn't go away even after she drew the last life out of the stick. She got out of the car and flicked the butt, dreading to get into the house.

She had been sitting in the car for a good part of an hour, and finally she plucked up enough courage to walk to her own house. Feeling on top of the door hedge, Carmen felt a little key and used it to unlock the front door, sneaking in like a thief. She settled on the couch and tried to get some shut eyes. Her old room was taken over by Anna, and Carmen didn't want to have to disturb anyone in her family.

But as soon as she tried to close her eyes, her stomach growled with protest, and she realized that she hadn't had anything to eat because she was too busy eating… ehem. Carmen cleared her throat as she blushed in the dark. 'Shane tasted so divine…' Her tongue snuck out to lick her lips as a smile crept up. Carmen spread her fingers on the couch, closing her eyes to remember the feel of the milky skin…

Shaking the wanton thoughts out of her head, Carmen refused to let her mind wander through the guilt trip she felt about leaving Shane without telling her. Instead she went into the kitchen and looked into the fridge, scavenging for something to eat.

"Carmen?"

The lights came on in the kitchen, and Mercedes walked in with furrowed brows, hands clutched her rope tightly.

"Momma…"

"What are you doing here?"

"Erm… Looking for food?"

"Sit down." Mercedes commanded Carmen to take a seat. She knew Carmen was not ready to talk just yet, and she had no intentions of pressing her, not when she herself was cross-eyed with sleep. Mercedes started busying herself with pots and pans and started scurrying around in the kitchen.

"Mom… its fine. I can just grab something to eat from the fridge."

"Nonsense. You need nutritious food."

Carmen knew that there wasn't any point arguing with her mother, and so she sat at the table obediently waiting for her mother to finish cooking. After polishing off the congee that her mother prepared for her, Carmen opened her mouth to say something, but she couldn't stifle a yawn from creeping through.

Mercedes picked her plate up and walked wordlessly to the sink.

"Momma… I…"

"Hush now. Go get some rest and we will talk in the morning."

* * *

A wail from the living room signaled that the kids had gotten into a fight yet again and Carla excused herself to tend to her kids.

Now alone with her mother, Carmen fought to bring the words out.

"Momma…" Carmen started as Mercedes waited patiently. "I…"

Just then, her cell phone rang. Carmen cursed under her breath until she realized the caller was Shane. She smiled apologetically at her mother before she took off to the patio and answered the phone.

"Hey."

"Hi, Peach." Shane's low voice hummed with affection.

"How did you sleep?"

"You know I had the best sleep in a long while."

"Oh."

"I missed you." Shane blushed. It wasn't like Carmen had never made love to her before, but just thinking about last night, how Carmen made her feel so loved, so wanted… She couldn't help but feel the heat rise to her cheeks.

"I missed you too." Carmen said softly.

"Why didn't you wake me? I could have driven you."

"I… you were sleeping so well, I didn't wanna disturb your sleep."

"Oh." It's Shane turn to answer softly, feeling a wee bit guilty for sleeping so soundly.

"Did you bring your pills?" Shane frowned, remembering that in the heat of the moment, Carmen had skipped her dose. "I'm sorry…"

"Why?" Carmen was confused at the sudden apology.

"That I didn't remember you had to take your pills, and also because I was enjoying myself too much to realize that you didn't eat the whole day."

Carmen smiled softly, truly touched at what Shane was saying. "Shane… Don't… I did take my meds and yes. I brought it with me."

"Okay." Shane still felt guilty.

"Shane. I love you. I want you to know that. And thank you." Carmen said sincerely.

"I know. And I love you too. And you are welcome." Shane chuckled softly at her lame attempt at lightening the mood. When there was a long pause, Shane could feel something was wrong but she didn't know what.

"Peach, what's wrong?"

Another long pause.

"Peach?"

"Yeah… I am still here." Carmen said softly.

"Hmm." Shane suddenly realize what might have been bothering Carmen. "Have you spoken to your mom?"

"Not yet. But I am going to." Carmen declared firmly. "You…" She wanted to accuse Shane of not telling her about the talk with her mother, but… Shane did no wrong, did she?

'That's what's been bothering me, isn't it?' Carmen asked herself. The fact that Shane was keeping a grave secret from her, about her mother no less, made her really uncomfortable. She had to talk to Shane about this. Right after she finished talking to her mother.

"Baby, what is it? You know you can tell me anything." The encouragement in Shane's voice reminded Carmen of how much Shane loved her, and she knew Shane would never hurt her, would protect her from every form of pain.

"Shane. I don't wanna lie and say nothing is wrong. But… I am not ready to talk to you about it yet. I promise I would when I get home tonight."

There was another long pause. And all Carmen could hear was Shane's steady breathing. "Baby?"

"Okay…" Shane said slowly. "But what about the radiation therapy later?" Her voice dropped to a whisper. "I could swing by and pick you up."

"It's okay baby, I am getting Anna to send me."

Shane was crestfallen. She wondered if she did anything wrong.

"I've gotta go. I'll see you tonight?"

"Yeah. I love you." Shane wanted Carmen to know, to reassure her again. "I love you very very much."

"I love you too baby. Very much." Carmen said with a sigh as she hung up the phone. She glanced at her mother still cooking in the kitchen and sighed again. It is time to face up to the music.

"Carmencita, is that Shane?" Mercedes asked without looking up from her soup.

"Yeah, momma."

"Okay."

"Momma?"

Mercedes set the ladle down and looked patiently at Carmen.

"Momma, I'm…"

* * *

Shane sat in the kitchen with her coffee a little while longer, trying to figure out exactly what was going on. 'Maybe it had been the phone calls? Nah…' Shane knew Carmen and her peach wasn't one to get jealous like that. 'What if she knew about the conversation I had with Mercedes!' Shane gasped. She started laughing in spite of herself. 'How would she have known?'

"Maybe it is nothing." Shane said. She looked around and realized that she was talking to herself. "That's not good, Shane. Oh my god! I'm doing it again."

A decision to get out of the house came swiftly as she felt herself start to go crazy. She flipped her cell phone open and dialed the first number on her list.

"Hello?"

"Hey Alice, let's do lunch. Please." There was desperation in Shane's voice and Alice could sense it.

"Okay Shane. What's up? Did something happen?" Alice asked in her most skeptical voice.

"What makes you think something did happen?" Shane rolled her eyes, annoyed that Alice would think something was wrong, but secretly she admired how her best friend could tell that something was up.

"Shane."

"Can't I just meet my friends once in a while?"

"Is Carmen coming along?"

"No."

"Ahah! I knew it! Did you piss her off, Shane?"

"No Al! Look, if you must know, we had the best fuck ever last night. But now she has gone to her mother's."

"She can fuck?"

"Al!"

"Right right. In that case, I am going for an interview with Connie Coven now, meet you later at the Planet?"

"Wait! Connie Coven? The wrestler? Why are you interviewing her?"

"For Christ's sake, Shane! How many times must I tell you that I am a reporter and that I…"

"Jeez Al, all I meant was, what's your magazine got to do with wrestling?"

"Oh… erm… tell you about it later."

They agreed to meet at the planet later on for lunch and Shane decided that she was going to do some housework for a change. She would also leave the house earlier to pick up something before meeting Alice.

* * *

"I'm not… into men, momma." Carmen was staring down at her fingers, unable to bring herself to look her mother. Afraid of what she might see in those eyes.

"I'm gay… I like girls. Shane is my girlfriend for two years now, and I love her. I love her very much."

Mercedes came around the counter to draw Carmen into a hug. And relief washed over her as she didn't feel any rejection or resentment from her mother.

"There is no chance you will like boys, yes?" Mercedes said while keeping her precious daughter in her arms.

"No momma, I'm sorry." She pulled her mother closer, afraid that if she let go, her mother would slip away.

"Ah well. My sweet sweet child. There is nothing to be sorry about. As long as you are happy, I'm happy."

"Thank you Momma, I appreciate this very much."

Carmen didn't expect it to be this easy. She knew Mercedes knew. But how could she have known that it wasn't denial that prevented Mercedes from confronting her? It was never-ending and everlasting love for a daughter that allowed Carmen to be who she wants to be. Carmen knew that a lot of heartache would have been spared if she had told her mother earlier. But how was she to know that her mother would accept her so easily.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier, momma."

"It's okay, you are telling me now, no?" Mercedes comforted, knowing how difficult it was for Carmen, she could feel her daughter shake with relief in her arms.

"Now. You will have to formally introduce me to Shane, bring her to the house, I want to cook for her. She's so skinny."

Mercedes pulled back suddenly, realizing she had just given away the fact that she had seen Shane. A fact that Carmen might or might not have known. Before she could explain herself though, a really grouchy Anna walked into the kitchen.

"Carmen? What are you doing here?" Anna yawned, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. She was still in her sleep wear. As soon as she saw Carmen though, she ran up to her hermana and hugged her, pushing her mother aside in the process.

It was impossible to talk anymore, because of all the interruptions from Anna and Carla and the kids. Silently, Carmen wished she had a chance to talk to her mother more. She felt this vast amount of relief. A heavy burden seemed to have lifted off her shoulders. And now…

* * *

Shane pulled up in front of a little shop. She took off her sunglasses as she stepped inside, but decided to replace them on her nose again. Striding up to one of the counters, she tapped on the glass top lightly to grab the attention of a sales personnel.

The stare. Shane cleared her throat uncomfortably, that same look of lust that every now and then she got from a new girl who set their eyes on her.

"Ehem… I am looking for… Jamie." Shane looked everywhere except at the sales personnel, still so desperately trying to send the signals of lust over. Her saliva threatened to drip out of the corner of her lips as she drooled and swooned over Shane.

"Back off. She's mine." A woman who could only be Jamie walked up behind the lusty eyed lady.

Shane grinned widely as she reached over the counter and placed a kiss on Jamie's face.

"Now, let's get to our secret rendezvous."

* * *

"Are you ready to go Carmen?"

"In a minute." Carmen fumbled with the buttons on her cell phone. She was trying to reach Shane. After the talk to her mother, Carmen felt very much alive again and she wanted to share this joy with the only person that mattered. But now she had called a few times and her baby didn't pick up her phone.

"Carmen… you are going to be late for the radiation session." Anna screamed exasperatedly. Carmen flipped the phone back shut as she looked chuckling at her sister.

"Okay… okay… Relax, my over-anxious precious little baby sis."

"Arrgh…" Anna swinged her hands in the air in defeat and walked out of the door.


	21. Brief

Alice sat at the table just staring intently at the sparkling object lying on the table. She took a skeptical look at Shane and then looked back down, rubbing her eyes a couple of times just to confirm she was not dreaming.

"What do you think Al?"

"When did you get this?"

"This morning, just before I met you."

Alice leaned back into her chair and crossed her arms, looking accusingly at Shane. Shane on the other hand couldn't be bothered as she was busy redialing Carmen's number. But she could only get her voicemail.

". You can't get her on the phone, and you bought an apology gift… You must be in deep shit."

Shane looked up at Alice with a 'duh' on her face. "Alice. Why do you keep thinking I am in deep shit? Why can't you think of it as my love."

"Because… There has to be a reason for stuff like that…"

"Al! For crying out loud, Carmen and I are fine and I just want to show how much I love her." Shane gritted through her teeth.

"Right…"

"Okay okay… We are fine except that I need to break a little piece of news to her."

"Ahuh! I knew it." Alice said with a smirk. She tapped her fingers on the table, waiting for Shane to continue on her little confession.

With a heartfelt sigh, Shane slumped back into her chair, bringing the little sparkling object closer to her and losing herself into her own thoughts.

"Shane!"

Another sigh escaped as she continued to stare at her gift for Carmen. "Well… I need to let her know that I am on really friendly terms with her mother. And that her mother had been the one text messaging me and stuff."

"Oh my gawd!" Alice shrieked, " And your girlfriend doesn't know about this?"

Sadly shaking her head, Shane let out another deep sigh, she didn't like keeping things from Carmen. And she didn't know how she would react to the news, but she knew that she couldn't keep it from Carmen any longer.

"Okay… So let me get this straight. This thing…" Alice waves at Shane's hand. "This here is to lessen the guilt?"

Shane snapped the box shut and placed it back into her pocket. She threw a disgusted glance at Alice and stood up from the table. "I don't know why I put up with you…" With that, she turned heels and made a move to walk away.

"Hey! Are you just gonna leave me like that?"

"I am going to the little ladie's room… Unless you wanna come along."

* * *

"Are you feeling okay, Carmen?"

"Yeah… I'm fine… A little uncomfortable, but fine." Carmen said with a small smile. Radiation therapy took all but 15mins and it was over. But the discomfort that hung low in her spine continues on for at least half a day.

"Let's go get you something to drink then." Anna said.

"Okay, Nana… I am just gonna make a call to Shane. Got a few missed calls." Carmen said slowly, careful to avoid 'he' and 'she' adjectives.

"Okay… Be right back." Anna walked slowly to the beginning of the line to look at what is available.

When Anna was out of earshot, Carmen dialed Shane's number and waited patiently for her girlfriend to pick up.

"Hello?"

Her heart sank deep. That voice did not belong to Shane. It was another woman's voice and Carmen immediately felt jealously creeping up into her throat.

"Hey? Carmen?"

"Alice?"

"Hey you! Shane just went to the restroom. How are you doing?" Relief washed over Carmen as she realize that this was her girlfriend's best friend on the line.

"I'm fine. So watcha guys doing?" Carmen asked light-heartedly, knowing there was nothing to panic about.

"We are having a late lunch over at the Planet. You wanna come join us?"

"… Sounds great… But I can't. I am having lunch with my sister, so I will probably get her to send me home." Carmen said with a sigh of content. "Could you just tell Shane to enjoy herself and I will see her back home?"

"Will do, any other messages to pass? Like 'I love you' or 'I miss you' or something along those lines?"

Carmen laughed, Alice had always had that effect. The ability to make her laugh, and that was why she treasured Alice's friendship very much.

"Well… In that case…"

"Nooo! I was just kidding… Spare me the mushy stuff." Alice grimaced.

"You were the one who asked! But I shall spare you. And just tell Shane I'll be home in about an hour. So don't worry." As Carmen cut the line, she noticed a figure looming over her. Startled, she realized it was her sister with her hands resting firmly on her hips.

"Who's that?"

"Alice. Shane's best friend." Carmen shrugged.

Anna took a seat down onto the chair opposite Carmen. "Oh…" She said, the tone of voice she used was something Carmen was familiar with. Carmen knew that this meant that Anna had an opinion of something and was just 'dying' to express it.

"What Anna?" Carmen sighed.

"Nothing…" Anna let out. But before Carmen could say anything, she continued on. "I just think it is really weird that Shane has so many female friends, that's all."

"I see…"

"And the weirder thing is, you seem okay with it… I mean, aren't you worried about how Shane would, you know… with his male hormones and all…"

Carmen laughed again. "You have no idea… I worry all the time, but I learned to understand that Shane's friends are my friends too… And I learnt to trust them… It is all those other women who fling themselves onto Shane that I am worried about."

"Erm… Okay. As long as you know what you are doing I guess…"

"Yes I do, Anna. And I appreciate your support." Carmen stared firmly into Anna's eyes, letting her know that she was really serious. Of course, Anna didn't know that Carmen was gay. But Carmen wanted Anna to know that she knew exactly what she was doing, including the part about being gay.

"Okay okay…" Anna said with impatience. "They ran out of tuna rolls, what else would you like to have?"

"Anything as long as it is not swimming in oil." Carmen said as she frowned. "Thank you."

"Huh? Erm… okay… You're welcome. Geez… you are acting weird today." And with that, Anna walked off back to rejoin the queue.

* * *

"Hey psycho." Alice said as Shane made her way back to the table.

"Yeah." As Shane plonked down onto her seat, her eyes roved towards the board and scanned it, deciding if she wanted bread or spaghetti.

"Oh yah… Carmen called. She wanted to tell you that she would be eating lunch with her sis and that her sis is going to drive her back home In about an hour's."

"Oh… In that case." Shane gathered all her stuff and stood to leave again.

"Oh god! Are you going back? We hadn't have lunch!"

"Yeap. Need to be there when my girlfriend comes home."

"She said enjoy yourself first… Gawd Shane! You can't do this to me. You haven't even heard my story about Cynthia Coven."

"Sorry Al, I gotta do this. Make it up to you another time."

Alice crossed her arms and slumped back into her chair. "Lucky thing Dana is coming over in a little while. Okay go, you ingrate."

"What? Dana? You guys made up?" Shane yelped. Truly happy for Alice. That was probably the only piece of news that made Shane stop dead in her tracks.

"We decided to give it another try. Wish me luck." With a little smile and a little wave, Alice signaled Shane to get going.

"Okay. Good luck." Shane winked at her best friend and turned to head out of the restaurant.

"Good luck to you too."


	22. Romance

After lunch, Carmen and Anna strolled along the carpark towards the car, chatting casually about Anna's plans to return to school. Just before Carmen opened the door to the passenger seat, her phone rang. Carmen smiled knowingly as she had been expecting Shane's call.

"Hey baby."

"Hey peach. How are you feeling?" Shane's pleasant voice came through the receiver.

"Aching, but I'm fine. Will you be home when I get there?"

"Oh… Sorry, you have gotta wait a little while longer. Alice is not feeling so good and I am Aunt Agony." Shane lied. In actual fact, she was already home. Making preparations for Carmen's return.

"Uh, okay then. I am on my way home now. Come back as soon as you can okay? Cause I miss you."

After Shane hung up the phone, she glanced sideways to the clock on the wall. 3.15pm. she had approximately 25mins before Carmen arrives home. Time to get things a-kicking.

As Carmen got into the car, Anna started the engine.

"Shane gonna be home when we get there?"

"No."

"Darn."

As Anna pulled up at the house, Carmen gave her little sister a tight hug and a kiss on the cheeks, and made a move to get out of the car. Anna stopped her, putting a hand on her arm.

"You sure you will be fine? Alone at home I mean."

"Anna, this is not the first time I am home alone. I am not a kid."

"I didn't mean it like that." Anna pouted, "I am just saying that you just came out from Radiation Therapy. Shouldn't someone be here for you?"

"Sorry." Carmen felt bad snapping at Anna. "Don't worry. I will be fine. I am just going to pop my pills and then take a nap, and by evening everything will be fine."

Frowning, Anna decided to relent anyway. "Okay then, you take care. You hear? Just call me or Momma if you need anything."

"I promise." Carmen placed a final loving kiss on her sister's cheek and got out of the car. She waited for the car to disappear at a cross-junction before turning and heading towards the door.

As she walked up the little flight of steps to the front door, she noticed a rose stuck onto the door with a note attached. She lifted the rose off the door and flipped the note open.

 _This is the first rose. I am playing a little game with you. There are 8 roses altogether. Find them all._

 _Love Shane._

Carmen smiled at the sweet little gift. This was a really nice surprise and she was eager to complete the little mystery quest that Shane set up for her.

As she opened the door, she glanced around to see that it was empty.

"Shane?" She called out, but somehow she knew that only after she completely the quest would her girlfriend appear.

She took a step into the living room and her shoes kicked up little red bits. Looking down, she realized that they were flower petals. A trail of led up to the couch. She walked slowly to the couch and on the middle of it laid another rose. Not wasting any time, she lifted the rose and read the little message that came along with it.

 _You found the second rose. But that is because I wanted you to find it. It signifies LOVE. The third rose is not going to be easy. Because I want you to earn it. No more trails of flowers, and the only clue I am going to give you is that it is placed behind something I love looking at everyday._

 _Love Shane._

Carmen laughed a little. Shane was the sneaky one. She thought about the clue. Something Shane love looking at. The mirror? 'Nah, Shane loves dressing up, but she wasn't narcissistic.' The television? Carmen turned to glance at the TV, she shrugged and scurried over. 'Why not, it was worth a shot.' She searched high and low around the television, even going as far as crouching down to look under it. But no rose. As Carmen straighten up. She noticed her portrait on the mantel above the television. 'No way…' Eyeing it suspiciously, she caught a glimpse of a red petal sticking out from behind the picture frame. Snatching the frame from its place on the mantel, she turned it around to find the rose. Carmen gave a little triumphant laugh as she unfolded the note to read it.

 _Thought it was the TV didn't you. You should know that I love looking at your picture everyday. Who else would I rather look at but YOU. Especially when you are making beautiful music. That is your third clue._

 _Love Shane._

'Smart ass.' Carmen thought as she grinned happily. She was having so much fun with this, and she wondered what Shane was up to. 'Make beautiful music, that's an easy one.' Carmen thought as she walked up to the stereo. Lo and behold, she found the fourth rose sitting amongst her favorite CDs. She popped a romantic mix into the CD player before she read the note.

 _Knew this was easy for you. Just in case you haven't noticed, the first three roses says I LOVE YOU. No other words can describe how I feel about you. The world would not feel the same without your strong WILL. It would be a cold and unforgiving place without you by my side._

 _Love Shane._

A single tear threatened to make its way down her cheek as she held the four roses close to her heart. "I love you too Shane." She called out. She wanted Shane to appear before her now so that she can kiss her senseless. But Carmen knew she had to complete the game first.

'No clue this time?' Carmen frowned, she re-read the note again. Glancing around the house, she tried her best to think of what Shane had said in her note. 'Cold and unforgiving place. Fridge?' She walked briskly towards the fridge eager to find out if she had it right.

Carmen chose to open the freezer first, somehow knowing that Shane would put the rose there. And she smirked as she found it sitting in the middle of the freezer.

 _It is cold here without you. And I just want you to know that everything I have done. I did it all for YOU. It kills me if I have to keep secrets from you. And it pains me to see you sad. Promise me please, that everything you have doubts about, everything you are angry about, talk to me and let me know. And if I am the cause of your grief and pain. Please let me explain myself. Don't throw the blanket in on us. Please._

 _Love Shane._

'Oh baby. I love you so much.' Carmen wiped a tear out of her eye as she leaned on the fridge door. She looked directly towards their bedroom, suddenly linking blanket to the bedroom. She ran towards the bedroom, ignoring the aching pain at her back. All she wanted to do was to find what Shane was going to say in her next message to her.

As she entered the room, she found a single rose placed gingerly on the bed. She walked apprehensively towards it and picked it up softly. Sitting herself down as she opened the next note.

 _I love you, Carmen, and I want to BE part of your life forever. I want to get to know your family and your friends; together we will make things work out. Together we will overcome all obstacles that we face. I am asking you from the bottom of my heart._

 _Love Shane._

 _P/s: IT is time to take your pills; we can resume the game later._

Carmen laughed happily. Trust Shane to spoil the mood when everything had been so perfect so far. She never knew that Shane had it in her. If she didn't know any better, she would have thought Shane got Alice to plan this for her. But knowing Alice, she isn't as subtle as Shane was. What was Shane trying to tell her? 'Will… You… Be…' that was the words in bold. Carmen drew in a sharp breath. Was it what she thought it was? She hugged the roses close to her and refused to let go. Even when she walked out of the room, she was fondling them affectionately and smelling them.

Being so engrossed with the flowers as she made her way to the kitchen for her pills, she didn't notice Shane standing in the middle of the kitchen. Only when she spied a pair of Converse shifting from side to side did she look up at Shane. The minute her eyes registered her baby, Carmen's lips broke into a wide smile.

There Shane stood, her hands holding on to a rose. She wore a plain t-shirt with a hand-written word, 'MINE' sprawled on it. Carmen took a step forward as Shane held up the rose in her hand. She willed herself to take it without jumping on her girlfriend. But as soon as she got hold of the rose, she threw herself onto Shane, placing kisses all over her face.

"I love you baby!" Carmen cried out in between kisses. "You are such a hopeless romantic."

Shane laughed out happily, leaning back onto the dining table for support as she cradled her girlfriend's ass to hold her up.

"I am glad you like this."

"Yes, Oh yes baby…" Carmen smiled. "How can I not?" She looked into her baby's eyes and leaned down to place a soft kiss on her lips, her promise left unspoken as she answered with her heart.

"So… you figured out the message yet?"

Carmen looked deep into Shane's eyes. The want, the love in them was unmistakable… But Carmen had doubts. How is it possible to promise a lifetime together, when she knew that her future was uncertain. There was no cure to her illness, only prolonged pain. And apprehension crept into her eyes.

"Peach. I know what you are thinking. But I will be here with you no matter what."

"Baby, I…" Carmen choked, unsure of what to say.

"Just say yes."

As the tears welled up in her eyes… Carmen set her feet on the ground and took a step back. Shane let her go, unsure of what it meant. She was disappointed, as this was not the reaction she had expected.

"Shane… before I answer you. I want you to be honest with me."

"Yeah." Shane lowered her eyes to her feet, the pout and the sad look did not go unnoticed by Carmen and she lifted her hand to cradle her girlfriend's cheek.

"Tell me about your meeting with my mother."

"You knew?" Shane looked up shocked. Her plan was to get Carmen dizzily happy and then break the news to her. That way, she wouldn't be in the shit-house for long. "Mercedes told you?"

Carmen shook her head. "Momma didn't tell me. Roddy did. I waited for you to tell me, but you never did."

"I really wanted to baby. I really did." Shane held Carmen's hand that was cradling her face, not wanting to let go in case Carmen pulled away. "But Mercedes wanted you to tell her yourself. About being gay. I couldn't deny her that."

"Mercedes… . You are on first name basis with my mother?" A little anger built up in Carmen.

"Yes. We talk on the phone a couple of times the past few days. And erm… I have been texting her your progress." Shane answered truthfully.

Carmen tried to pull her hand away. But Shane held on tightly to it. "Carmen, you know I would never lie to you. I am not a liar. I just didn't know if I should tell you, or how."

It was Carmen's turn to glance at the floor. On one hand, she was so relieved that Shane was not seeing someone else. On the other, she wondered how long this would continue to transpire between her mother and her girlfriend. Treating her like a fool, making her feel apprehension all the time.

"And you just allowed me to continue all this frustration that had been building inside."

"I… I'm sorry Carmen." Shane finally let go of Carmen's hand, and it dropped back down to her side. As the silence hummed along, Shane wanted so much to reach out to her baby, desperate for some reaction from Carmen. But she behaved; she kept to herself and waited for a sign, where this was going to go.

"Yes."

"Look Peach, I will make it up to you… really I pro… Yes?" Shane started to babble when she heard Carmen speak, eager to try and appease her girlfriend. Only after sometime did she register the 'Yes'.

"Yes. I will be yours for as long as you will keep me. Will you be mine?" Carmen answered slowly again. A little smile creeping up her lips.

Dumbfounded with happiness, Shane just stared hard at Carmen, unable to articulate the happiness pounding in her head. Carmen took her girlfriend's hand into her own in a bid to bring Shane back to earth. She took a step towards her girlfriend and placed the hand onto her waist, then she in turn snaked her arms around Shane's waist and leaned into her, fully embracing her girlfriend.

"I… Carmen…" Shane was still trying to find words, a big smile finally found it's way to her lips.

"Ssh… you big dope. Just say yes." Carmen leaned up to place a kiss on her girlfriend's lips. YES YES YES! Shane's head screamed. She wanted to say it. But Carmen was working her lips at the moment, making it impossible to utter anything. So the next best thing she could do was return the kiss feverishly, letting her kiss speak more then the words could ever achieve.

As they both ran out of breath, Carmen lifted her lips away from her girlfriend. Carmen placed a soft kiss on Shane's chin, and then proceeded to snuggle closer into her girlfriend's shoulder. Shane finally finding her voice, sucked in a deep breath. "You can't believe how happy you have made me!"

Carmen chuckled softly into Shane's collar. "And you have made my life complete, baby."

"You haven't found the last rose yet peach."

Carmen frowned, she counted the roses in hand. Seven beautiful roses. The first note said 8. "You gonna tell me where it is? Because I don't think I can keep it up any longer." She placed another kiss onto her girlfriend's chin.

Shane laughed as she hugged her girlfriend close. "Nah ah… You gotta find it yourself."

"Baby… Why don't you tell me where it is…? Because I much rather be in the bedroom. Fucking... and…" Carmen lifted up and whispered something dirty in Shane's ear. She giggled a little when she saw Shane blush. And a grin followed when she felt Shane's hands traveling down to her ass.

"You are a sly one baby. But… Much as I would love to take up your offer. You will have to take your pills first and then find the rose yourself."

"Party-pooper." Carmen pouted. She let go of Shane and walked over to where her pills were. Shane, not wanting to see her baby so sad, followed behind and hugged her by the waist. "baby… It is not like I don't want to. But you are not up to it, your back is aching bad, and I don't want to cause it any more distress."

Carmen continued to ignore her girlfriend as she counted out the pills she was about to take. Shane pulled closer, sticking her face in her girlfriend's hair and rubbing her nose on her back, and Carmen couldn't help but laugh. "You're right baby. I will look for the rose and whatever you have in stall for me. We will play the game your way."

"Awwright!" Shane called up as she turned her peach to face her once again and pulled her up for a long heart-wrenching kiss.

"CARMEN!" A voice called out and both of them froze! This can't be happening. They turned to look at the doorway, and two pairs of eyes stared intently at them.


	23. Acceptance

Just when things were looking up, just when everything was going perfectly, something would happen out of the blue to knock off this balance in life. At least, Carmen thought so.

"Anna... and Momma." Carmen said in a small voice.

The four of them had been staring at each other for a long time. Anna and Mercedes in the living room, Carmen and Shane in the kitchen. The hurt, the anger in Anna's eyes didn't go unnoticed. And Carmen wanted to sob as she saw the disgust and the disapproval mixed in as well.

Mercedes cleared her throat. "Anna told me that Shane wasn't home, and so we brought your car back and thought that we would keep you company."

Shane tried to pull her girlfriend closer to give her support, but Carmen jerked away, putting some distance between herself and Shane. Clenching her fist as her arms dropped back to her sides, Shane felt deeply hurt at the rejection that came from her girlfriend. She knew that she shouldn't feel this way, but she couldn't help but think that Carmen didn't even trust her enough to let her support her. Instead on dwelling on this, Shane put on a brave front and smiled at Mercedes. "I appreciate your concern, Mercedes. I did tell Carmen that I would be out."

Anna winced as she heard Shane speak, as if just the voice of Shane was enough to cause an epidemic. She hadn't said a word yet, hadn't taken her eyes off Carmen, hadn't moved from that spot she was standing on. But if anger was a color, the air around her was turning a deep red.

Shane took a good look at Anna, taking in this younger version of her girlfriend. She was pretty, almost as pretty as her Carmen was. But sadly, at this moment, the only words that could describe her look was 'wrinkled with disgust'. Shane decided to make a first move; she knew Anna was homophobic from what Carmen had told her. She didn't want Carmen to face her alone. Desperately, she thought that maybe if Anna got to know her, she would learn to accept Carmen for who she really was.

"Er... Hi, you must be Anna, I'm Shane." Shane flashed Anna a mega-watt smile. The smile that had never failed to make women scream or go weak in their knees. But the minute she introduced herself, Anna turned and glared at her. With a snort, she turned back to look at Carmen with even more accusing eyes, as if to say 'this is who you are with?' Shane had never felt so small in her life. Her smile died pre-maturely and she turned to Carmen with apprehension, wanting to see her girlfriend's reaction.

Carmen, who had been silent the entire time, stared back at Anna with fear. A fear that Shane had never seen before. A fear that even the worst news of her illness, of her hair dropping, of dying... couldn't match. It was then Shane understood how hard it must have been for Carmen, how much she loved her family. This was the first time that Shane felt like she didn't belong in Carmen's life.

Carmen took a step forward, wanting to reach out to her sister. But Anna took a step back, reacting like Carmen had leprosy. The same look of hurt that Shane had a few minutes ago, registered on Carmen's face, and Shane's heart went out for her love.

Anna finally spoke, slowly at first, "All this while, you led me to believe you were normal. Led me to believe that you found the one perfect guy to marry. When it was all just a big hoax."

A moan escaped from Carmen, and she took another step towards Anna, desperately needing to connect with her sister. But Anna backed away again, and this time, she turned around and ran out of the door.

Mercedes tried to catch hold of her younger daughter. But Anna was too fast, and too strong, she jerked her mother's hand away as she made her way out of the door.

Carmen wasted no time, running after her sister in silence as her tears flowed down her face. That left Shane and Mercedes to look at each other with apprehension. Being the concerned girlfriend that she was, Shane wanted to follow them outside, taking long and fast strides. But Mercedes grabbed onto her as she passed, "Shane, let them be. They need to talk." Shane could only stand there in defeat. There was nothing she could do, and she felt useless.

"Anna!" Carmen called out... in her haste to run down the porch, she missed a step and landed heavily onto the driveway. Anna turned around as she heard the 'thurp' and when she looked back and saw that Carmen was on the ground in an awkward position, her anger melted and the concern took over as she took a quick step back towards her sister.

But Carmen made the mistake of looking up at her sister, the want and the longing of approval reflecting in her eyes. Anna stopped in her tracks as the anger built inside all over again.

"Nana... Please. Let me explain." Carmen whimpered.

"What's there to explain." Anna answered fast and hard. "All this time, I told you all about my life, my friends, my boyfriends, my happiness and my sadness. But you never talked about yourself. And that's okay, because you have always been that way. But I would expect you to tell me something this major. This... disease you have."

"All this time when I asked about Shane, you never let on that Shane wasn't a normal..." Anna couldn't find the word to describe this creature in her mind. "Do you think of me as an idiot? All this time when I introduced you to Carlos, and Marty and even Ben and Georgie, you never once let on that I was barking up the wrong tree."

"I didn't know how to tell you. I was afraid, that you would reject me." Carmen whispered sadly, "Like you are doing now..."

* * *

Mercedes placed a comforting hand on Shane's arm. "It will be alright. Don't worry."

When Shane didn't reply, Mercedes took her in her arms and hugged her tightly. "Even though I have only known you for a few days Shane, I can tell that you love my daughter very much. That is enough for me."

"I... never expected it to be so hard."

Mercedes laughed a bitter laugh. "That is what you get when you fall in love with a Latina." When she realized that Shane wasn't sharing her joke, she told Shane in an authoritative voice, "Anna will come around. The important thing is that you are here for Carmen, because she needs it."

Shane looked up from the floor to meet Mercedes' eyes, and said sadly, "Thank you."

"You promise me you will be here for her. I think it would be too much for her to take in a day. All these roller coaster emotions. Anna and I finding out in a day. And Anna¡ that head-strong girl."

Shane sniffed. She was deeply appreciative of what Mercedes was doing. Entrusting her daughter with her. She hoped she would never let down this terrific woman, this mother of the most important person of her life. And she hoped that one day, this terrific woman would somehow become her mother too.

"Thank you."

* * *

"Please, Nana... I can't change who I am. I... I love Shane very much." Carmen cried out.

Anna winced again. She never thought that the one person she loved and respected the most, the one she was closest to, was the one thing she would never accept. An acquaintance being gay was one thing, but for her sister, her dearest sister, to be gay, that was just wrong. All wrong. Anna looked at Carmen, and suddenly realized that she didn't know this person in front of her. Carmen was no longer normal in her eyes.

"I don't know you anymore. I don't know you at all." Anna said, the angry tone was replaced by coldness and distance.

"You do! I am the same Carmen as before. I will always be your sister, the one that loved you the most."

"No." Anna shook her head sadly, "I have never known you. And now, I don't think I want to."

With that, Anna started backing away rapidly, her face hard. Before she reached her car, she realized that her mother was still in the house. And she couldn't drive off without her mother. She walked back fast to the house, and Carmen saw that as a glimmer of hope, that maybe, just maybe Anna changed her mind. But Anna completely ignored Carmen, who was sitting on the driveway. She reached the porch and shouted, "Momma!"

Never once casting a glance at Carmen.

"Momma, we are leaving... "

And then, she turned and walked away again, not stopping until she reached the car and disappeared into the driver seat.

* * *

"Momma, we are leaving..."

Mercedes took a look at Shane one last time, and with a reassuring smile, took Shane's cheeks in both hands and planted a kiss on her cheek. "We are familia... Don't ever forget that, yes."

As they both made their way to the front porch, they saw Carmen sitting and sobbing in the driveway. Shane immediately ran over to her girlfriend and cradled her, trying to comfort her. But Carmen continued to sob harder, until Mercedes came up beside her and the sobbing woman collapsed into her mother's arms. Shane felt the rejection once again, but this time, she was more angry at Anna then anything else. She cast a glare towards the car Anna was sitting in before she looked at her love in her mother's arms, sobbing and crying. Then she looked up at Mercedes, who was whispering comforting words in Spanish, mixed in with what could only be swear words as she looked over at the car. The feelings of helplessness and anger were threatening to consume her and right this moment, Shane felt like punching someone, something, anything.

Anna honked at her mother to hurry up, and with another string of Spanish, Mercedes wiped the tears off her daughter's face and planted a kiss onto her cheek. She took one glance at Shane, who nodded in silence. No words were needed, Mercedes wanted Shane to take care of her baby, and Shane agreed. But for the benefit of the non-spanish speaker, Mercedes whispered to her daughter, "Don't worry, Carmencita, Shane will be here for you. I will smack Anna for causing you so much pain. It will be alright." She handed her daughter to Shane, and Carmen fell into her lover's arms, the pain consuming her. Mercedes kissed Carmen's forehead lightly, and then kissed Shane's forehead. As if to show the daughter sitting in the car that she had accepted Shane as her own. And as she stood up, she started yelling in Spanish, walking towards the vehicle briskly.

Carmen couldn't react at all as she laid burrowed in her lover's embrace. She could hear her mother scolding her sister, but the yelling gradually faded, and with the slam of a car door, the yelling disappeared completely. The sound of the engine taking off was too much for Carmen to bear. And finally, the world turned black.

"What could be worse than this."


	24. Speech

Some days are good, some days are bad… These are a few of those days.

With her arms locked at the edge of the counter top and her head hung low, Shane let out a defeated sigh.

Carmen, her beloved Carmen, had not spoken for three days now. Ever since her mother and her sister drove off, and she fainted on the front porch, Carmen had not uttered a sound since. She hadn't reacted to anything Shane had said nor had she expressed any emotions whatsoever. Carmen was like a walking zombie. An empty shell. And Shane felt so helpless about it.

She had tried everything.

She tried to talk to her Peach.

 _"Peach, wanna watch that movie Alice loan us the other day?" Shane attempted. But Carmen just stared blankly back at her._

She tried to make Carmen laugh.

 _"SO the farmer said as he shot the younger cock, 'Damn, that's the 5th gay cock I'_ _ve got now.' Is that funny or what!" Shane herself was laughing hard, but the only reaction she got from Carmen was a small hint of a smile. Shane tried to keep her awkward laughter going, hoping to at least rub a little of it off Carmen, but in the end, she had to clear her throat in embarrassment, because Carmen seem so dis-interested._

She tried to get Carmen to talk to her.

 _"Carmen, please tell me what's wrong, please. Scream at me, shout at me, whatever… I need you to talk to me." Shane pleaded, but Carmen only looked at her sadly, not so much of a hint of emotion showing in eyes as she shook her head slowly._

Hell, she even tried yelling at Carmen.

 _"I can't take this anymore! CARMEN! I'm going crazy here! You fucking lost your family, but you still have me. I love you so fucking much, but you gotta talk to me!"_

But that didn't help anything, Carmen just frowned a little at Shane, and just turned to look ahead of her blankly, as if she didn't hear a word Shane said.

* * *

It wasn't like Carmen didn't know Shane was trying, hell, there were many times where she wished she could talk to her. But, what's there to say? She was a freak of nature. She wasn't normal. And Anna was right. How could she be a normal person if she didn't act like a good catholic girl. She had always been the most obedient child that Mercedes had, and she knew Mercedes was damn proud of her. But. Was Mercedes proud of her now?

She didn't lose her voice. She just didn't know what to say. When Shane tried to talk to her, she felt this enormous guilt that she didn't want to face.

When she tried to tell a joke, Carmen wanted so much to laugh, but she couldn't seem to lift the corners of her mouth up. The joke wasn't funny, but she could always laugh at them, because of Shane's incredibly cute excitement when she was telling them. This time, well, she couldn't help herself.

When her beloved asked her how she felt, she wanted so much to tell her exactly how, but… how could she tell Shane how she felt when she herself didn't know?

Nothing, she felt nothing.

Even when Shane yelled at her. She didn't feel anger, it was only right for Shane to yell at her. Who wouldn't?

Where has the old Carmen gone?

* * *

Shane had tried almost everything, but nothing, no reaction whatsoever from Carmen. What else could she do? She could barely get Carmen to take her pills.

Every 6 hours, religiously without fail, Shane put the pills in front of her peach with a glass of lukewarm water. Then she would walk away to leave Carmen in peace. But everytime she returned, the pills would still be where she left it and she realized that Carmen didn't even move from the position she left her in. Only after some coaxing, pleading, forcing, would Carmen reluctantly down her pills. After that, Carmen just doze uncomfortably on the couch, sleeping off the effects of the pills.

And when she woke up, she would just stare blankly at the television that Shane had on. Never once had she indicated if she was hungry, uncomfortable, cold, whatever.

* * *

The pills, the offensive pink pills. They were evil. She wished she didn't have to take them. She wished that her life was a lot less complicated. Be a nice catholic girl, go to church, get a nice stable Latin boyfriend, get married, have a whole brood of children like Mercedes did. Wasn't it a fairy-tale bliss to do all that?

But now, she had to take these pills, 'to make her all better' they say, but all she felt was nausea and fatigue, it didn't felt like she was getting any better at all. So she chose not to take them. If anything, let the illness consume her, she didn't care.

But sweet Shane, sweet sweet Shane always tried to coax her, plead with her, and sometimes even force her to take them. And how could you say no to someone as sweet and loving as Shane? As much as she hated them, those grossly pink diamond shaped pills, as much as she hated the side effects that came along with it, she took them anyway, because if Shane believed in them, then she would make Shane happy. That was the least she could do, at least make someone happy, her Shane happy.

* * *

The usually calm woman was almost in a state of panic when a brilliant idea struck her. She went into the patio and called Mercedes, asking to speak to Anna,

"Shane, Anna left for New York with some of her friends, said she needed a holiday. That stubborn child. How is my Carmen doing?"

"Not too good, she hasn't spoken in a while."

"Sigh. You take care of her Shane. You take care of her while I talk it out with the family. Anna came back and scream the house down, now her father is hopping mad. I gotta knock some sense into him, and Ricardo as well, erm.. that's Carmen's older brother. Men…." And Mercedes made a exasperated hissing sound. "You take care of my baby Shane, and I will come as soon as I can. Okay?"

"Yes, mdm."

Well, that didn't work out at all.

* * *

Carmen knew that Shane went out to the patio to make that call to her mother. She wondered if her momma would come and get her, shake her up, tell her everything was going to be alright. She wondered if Anna would come with her mother, would tell her that she had completely accepted her. That she still loved her as a sister, her dearest sister. But when Shane hung up dejectedly, she knew… She knew that it wasn't going to happen. Anna wasn't coming, Momma wasn't coming. Her family had abandoned her.

* * *

On the day Shane had to go out for a job, she asked Alice and Dana to come over and stay with Carmen, not trusting Carmen to be alone. Jenny had left on a trip to meet the agent of her new project and she wouldn't be back in a week. That made everything even more complicated. Shane thought she could count on Jenny to talk to Carmen. Jenny, the only person that was so close to her girlfriend she knew exactly how to deal.

But now, Jenny wasn't around and Shane had only Alice and Dana to count on. Thank god they worked out their differences.

She rushed out when her friends arrive, rushed through her job, and rushed all the way back home. She had hoped that maybe being away from her might get Carmen to open up, maybe talk to her friends. But when she got back home, her friends met her at the door with the same depressing news.

"Not a word, Shane, she even refused to eat her favorite cheese treat Dana brought."

Not even Alice's quirkiness or Dana's goofiness had rub off on Carmen, and Shane was getting as depressed as Carmen was.

* * *

With Alice and Dana around, it seemed like time passed even slower. They tried, tried really hard to talk to her, and with the two of them, it was never difficult to draw laughter from everyone around. But it didn't work, seeing them together, as a couple made Carmen cringe a little. Why can't she be the same? Dana outed herself to the world, and Alice, Alice never had a problem with sexuality, going where her heart tells her to. Why can't she go where her heart told her to, why can't she tell the whole world, "Hey look at me! I am Gay!"

But Carmen knew she can. She could tell the whole world that she was gay. She just couldn't tell her family, and now they had abandoned her.

* * *

Every night, Shane would watch TV on the couch, beside her girlfriend who was sleeping the effects of the drugs off, and when Carmen awoke, Shane would bring her some food to eat. At best, Carmen would nibble at her meals, but most of the time, the food remained untouched. They would watch TV together in silence for awhile. And then Carmen would walk back into the room to sleep.

The only indication of hope, the only motivation to continue fighting on, was the way Carmen would kiss her on the cheek goodnight.

On the first night, Shane was ecstatic; she had mistaken Carmen's little show of affection as somewhat of an invitation, a show of opening up. She quickly washed up the dishes and made her way into the room. But she realized to her dismay that Carmen had changed and fallen asleep in bed. Well, at least she was trying to show that she was sleeping. Shane could tell, from the way Carmen wriggled her toes, that Carmen was feigning sleep. Whenever they fight, and Carmen didn't wanna talk to her, she would feign sleep and she always wriggled her toes.

Every night, Shane would let out a sigh as she undressed and climbed into bed, and she would put her lips on her lover's temple, whisper "I love you." And then settled in to sleep, she tried to spoon Carmen that first night, but Carmen shifted in her position, as if to protest the closeness. And dejectedly, Shane would roll over to her side of the bed. Subsequently, Shane would kiss her girlfriend's temple and whisper 'I love you' as usual, but she would not attempt to spoon Carmen. Instead, she would just roll over to her side of the bed, as far away as possible.

* * *

She could tell the disappointment Shane had every time she found her 'asleep'. She knew she was feigning sleep, she was sure of it. How could anyone be sleepy after sleeping off at least half the day? But Carmen didn't want to deal. She didn't want to look at the disappointed look on Shane's face. And every time Shane kissed her on the temple and said 'I love you', she felt like tearing up. It shouldn't be that way, she was trying so very hard to push Shane, to drive her away. And many times she felt like she was succeeding. But every night, Shane would just show her love to a 'sleeping' Carmen.

Carmen waited, an hour, two, sometimes three, for Shane to fall asleep. She looked out for the exact moment Shane's breathing stabilized into a deep rhythm. And the slight throaty snore that comes shortly after. Then she would turn to watch Shane, and soundlessly whispered her 'I love yous'. She would watch Shane till she herself couldn't fight sleep anymore, and then she would slump down onto the bed, and mold herself into Shane. Enjoying the momentary comfort the oblivious girlfriend could provide.

* * *

In the morning, Shane would awake in Carmen's arms, their bodies wrapped together tightly. She would lay as still as she could, relishing in the feel of Carmen, hoping and praying she would have more time, even if it was just 10mins, to hold her before she awoke. But it never was long enough, because as soon as Carmen woke up, she would untangle herself and turn over to her side of the bed, continuing to feign sleep.

 _What's going on. What is up with Carmen?_

 _'What's wrong with me! What's really wrong with me?' Carmen screamed in her head._

Depression.

That's what. Carmen suddenly realized that she had fallen into the routines of depression. That's what it is isn't it? Self-pity, irrational thinking, feelings of abandonment, self-loathing, and the notions of giving up in life. Yes. That's what it is. And Carmen hated it that way. She was a strong woman, she never felt as depressed as she did these couple of days. But it was time to do something about it.

* * *

And so here she was, standing in the kitchen, bracing herself for another showdown with Carmen. She tried to think of a way that would effortlessly and painlessly get her unhappy girlfriend to take her pills. It wasn't gonna be easy, if the last few days were any proof of that. But if Carmen wasn't going to be strong about it, then she would have to be strong for the both of them.

Shane walked into the living room with the pills and a glass of lukewarm water. As usual, she set it down before her girlfriend. She watched her intently, trying to read Carmen as best as she could. When there were no signs at all. She decided to go with coaxing first.

"Peach, time for your pills…" Shane started to say, before she said anything more though, Carmen grabbed the pills and the glass from Shane and downed them in 2 seconds. Shane was shocked, completely and utterly, this was something new she didn't brace herself for. But if it was any indication that Carmen was responding to her, then she was happy about it.

For a couple of moments, Shane didn't know how to react or what to say. And she fully didn't expect Carmen to break the silence first.

"Shane…" Her voice hoarse and unsteady, mostly due to not speaking a word for a few days now. "Would you cut my hair for me today?"

Shane looked at Carmen inquisitively, unsure of what to say or how to react.

'When had things got so awkward between the two of us, and this is entirely my fault.' Carmen thought. But as soon as the thought went thru her head, she fought it with all her might, trying to regain her confidence as much as possible.

Shane could see the internal struggle surfacing on Carmen's face, the first real emotion she had seen in a couple of days. And she was quick to re-assure her girlfriend.

"Yeah… I mean, ya sure? I could do it if you want me to."

A little smile appeared on Carmen's face, as if Shane responding to her was unexpected and welcomed.

"Yes. I need to get this over and done with." And with a pitch lower and a notch softer, she continued, "I want to start over, new."


	25. Hair

The kitchen, a dull yellow illuminated by the minimal lighting. At least to Carmen it was. Sitting here in the middle of it, Carmen couldn't help but feel all the apprehension. Was she really going to take this step? Did she really ask Shane to do it? She knew she had to start anew, she had to pick herself up and move on. But… what had that got to do with getting her hair cut?

She slouched her shoulders in and sunk deep into the dining chair as she waited for Shane to come back with her tools. As the seconds tick by, she started to wonder about her decision… It was going to fall off anyway, she reasoned, but still, the thought of having minimal or no hair caused a shudder to surge through her veins.

"You sure, peach? Wanna reconsider?" Shane said softly. Carmen looked up to see Shane standing at the doorway of the kitchen. 'She must have been standing there for a long time now.' Carmen thought.

"No…" Carmen said as she let out a deep breath. "I'm sure…"

"Okay then," Shane agreed as she came up to kneel in front of Carmen. She fingered through Carmen's hair one more time, shaking of the locks that attached to her hands. Carmen wondered if Shane was going to baby her or was going to go all professional on her. But Shane did neither, she just silently fingered through the long luscious locks, almost as if she couldn't bear to part with them either. Shane's apparent reluctance boosted Carmen's determination somewhat, and she placed a hand softly on Shane's cheek, looking reassuringly into her eyes.

"Shane…"

"Huh? Wha…" Shane appeared to come out of a daze as she stared back into Carmen's tired brown orbs.

Carmen placed a chaste kiss on Shane's lips unexpectedly and straightened up. Signifying that she was ready, Shane had no choice but to stand and prepare her tools. As slowly as she could, she laid out her 3 pairs of scissors, 2 combs, plugged in her electric shaver, and laid out all the different tweezers, and clips and mirrors. She knew she was probably not going to use most of the stuff, but she was trying to buy time. The woman in the hot seat waited patiently for Shane to finish arranging her stuff. Both of them waiting, dreading the inevitable.

At last when Shane finished, she broke into a huge smile, a smile she had to muster up with all her might. "Right, so what's it going to be? Bald? Crew Cut? Short Punk? Mohawk?"

Carmen chuckled lightly, the first smile in days, and it teased at her facial muscles. She joined Shane in making light of the situation, "let's see, I was thinking of going with a Mohawk, dyed pink, but I don't think it goes with my music style."

That drew a snicker from Shane, and for a few moments they enjoyed their little banter, until suddenly Carmen became serious.

"Bald."

"Huh?"

"Bald. All gone. I don't want something in between, And I don't wanna see all those depressing patches when I look into the mirror."

Instead of saying anything, Shane leaned in and rested her forehead on the back of her girlfriend's, over-whelmed by all the emotions. Carmen leaned backwards. What else would a girl want? What else would a girl need?

Her family. Her mother… Her sister… And her hair.

"Shush Carmen!" Carmen breathed.

"Huh?"

"Nothing nothing… Come'n, let's do this." Carmen pushed Shane off of her and settled back into the chair.

Shane wiped her hands on her PJ pants nervously, after which she picked up her favourite pair of scissors and stood behind Carmen. Bracing herself, she pulled a lock of hair and…. Snip.

With the sound of the snip, Carmen jumped from the chair and spun around, leaving a startled Shane staring, scissors in one hand and lock of hair in another.

"Shane! What have you done! How could you!" Carmen had suddenly forgotten that it was her idea to get her hair cut.

For the umpteen time today, Shane let out a baffled "Huh?"

"You… How could you, this is my precious hair…"

"Hey… Hey! You were the one who wants to have her hair cut."

"Liar!"

"I'm not a liar… you…" Shane stopped herself before she said something she would regret. She realized that the sharp change in mood had something to do with the chemo medicine.

"My precious hair… my precious…"

"Are you okay Gollum? I mean Carmen?" Shane smothered an evil grin with her scissored hand.

Carmen looked up sharply with the 'Gollum' remark, shot daggers with her eyes to Shane and Shane shot them right back, playfully of course, but she wasn't going to let Carmen get away with this.

And Carmen broke out into a smile first. She suddenly realized how ridiculous she had been, and how absurd the situation was.

With her hands covering her eyes, she said in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, I… you are right… I did want my hair cut."

"Hey hey peach. It's okay, are you still sure you want the cut?" Shane placed the stuff she had in her hands down onto the table and came up in front of Carmen to comfort her. "We can do it another day if you want."

"No… let's do this now… let's get it over and done with." Carmen shook her head in Shane's chest.

"You sure right, you're not going to start screaming with every snip of my scissors?"

"I promise… I will give you a kiss for every yell I let out okay."

"Yell away! I say yell away!" Shane did her best Jack Sparrow impersonation, drawing a hearty laughter from Carmen.

And so the entire haircut session went smoothly without a hitch. Shane cut out the locks, before she used the shaver and ran it through her girlfriend's hair.

At the end of it, Shane took a couple of locks, including that very first snip and placed them into a little white envelope. 'For memento' she said. Carmen was at first afraid of looking into the mirror, but after a while, she couldn't resist it any longer and she took a peek at her head in the bathroom mirror. She would need time to get comfortable with it, but Shane did a great job with it. 'That and the fact that I have a good head shape.' Carmen smirked to herself.

When she re-entered the kitchen, Shane was just done with cleaning up the place. She stood by the dining table and asked.

"Babe, would you say that I have a nice head shape."

"Yeap…" Shane said absentmindedly as she emptied out the dustpan into the bin.

"Shane… You're not helping."

Shane looked up to the desperate look on Carmen's face.

"Hold on." She washed her hands on the sink and came up to stand in front of Carmen. With the most professional demure, she inspected Carmen's head as she moved around her.

"…" Shane hummed when she stood behind Carmen, and with a kiss on the spot where her head and neck met, she said "You have the most beautiful head shape I have ever seen."

"Happy?" And Shane didn't need an answer for that because Carmen leaned into her embrace and sighed contentedly.

For the next couple of days, they were relatively happy. Carmen behaved like a good patient, and ate her pills regularly. She was relatively quieter, more solemn and didn't laugh quite as much as she used to. 'But that's okay,' Shane thought. As long as Carmen was trying, that they were trying together. Everything would be just fine.

And everything was fine. Right until the day a welcomed call came. Welcomed, but if they knew what it actually meant, they would have dreaded it.


	26. Impasse

Shane awoke to a weight lying on her body, a weight so familiar, yet so different. She slowly peeled her eyes open, and realized she was staring at the ceiling of the living room. She must have fallen asleep on the couch, and that weight, that familiar weight, had gotta be Carmen, because if it wasn't, she was going to have to kill herself. Slowly, she glanced down from between her nose and her gaze came upon a bald head resting on her chest. She jerked up to take a closer look, trying to figure out that stranger on her and the mess she had gotten herself into. And then she realized, she had shaved Carmen's head a couple of days ago, and the person resting so snuggly on her was indeed Carmen. With a sigh of relief, she plonked her head back onto the arm rest.

Just as she was contentedly staring at Carmen, wanting to stroke her hands along that beautiful form, but was careful not to do it for fear of waking her baby up. But she couldn't resist running a loving hand on that stubbled-scalp. And… and… the world map? Shane scooted up again and looked closer at the head on her chest. Carmen's hair had grown out a little, and the black amongst the bald patches formed what resembles the different continents. Shane ran her fingers over America, tracing the outlines of the hair and the hairless parts, refused to let her mind go to the fact that just a couple of days ago, there was a full head of luscious locks she loved sniffing. She sighed softly, letting go of all the air in her chest.

She must have let go of too much air too fast, because the sudden dip of her chest caused Carmen to stir. Carmen lifted her head sleepily and slowly crawled up the length of Shane's body. She planted a quick kiss onto Shane's lips before settling her head at the crack of Shane's shoulder.

"Good evening, baby." Carmen purred into Shane's neck.

Shane hummed as her arms crept up around Carmen's waist. She tilt her head ever so slightly, to place a soft kiss on Carmen's forehead. Carmen in turn rubbed her stubbled head on Shane's chin, that drew a chuckle from the lanky woman.

"What?" Carmen asked, rubbing her head on Shane's chin again, and Shane couldn't help but laugh out, trying to stay away from the stubbles. Sensing that Shane is trying to get away from her head, Carmen scooted closer and rubbed her head harder onto Shane.

"It's funny to feel a man's 5am shadow, considering I have never been with a man."

Carmen slapped Shane's arm in jest as she settled contentedly back onto Shane. Before her smile could fully develop though, a little doubt flashed across Carmen's face. "Baby, so you still love me now that I am a bald freak right?"

"Hey hey, you are not a freak, alright?" Shane reprimanded, her arms tightening around Carmen's waist protectively. Carmen lifted her head and rested her chin on Shane's. "You will still treat me equal right? You love me?"

"Yes, I do, very much."

"Good, because I'm hungry," Carmen purred, "Make me something to eat?"

Shane stuck out her tongue in mock jest and slapped Carmen on her butt. Sighing exaggeratedly, she flipped Carmen over till Carmen was lying under her. She rested her full weight on Carmen and kissed her softly. Carmen enjoyed the kiss at first, but when she realized that Shane was contented with kissing her, not making a move to the kitchen, she protested by biting down on Shane's bottom lip. At first, Shane probably thought it was kinky and cute, but Carmen added pressure to the bite, until it was more painful then sexy. She yelped out in pain.

"I thought you wanted to eat."

"Yes…"

"I was feeding you."

Carmen laughed, lifting her head and did a biting action. Shane leaned down again to reclaim Carmen's lips, but the Latina pushed the lanky woman away. "Baby…" Shane pinned Carmen's arms down above her head and continued her assault on Carmen's lips, this time adding a hint of rubbing her body on Carmen's.

Shane was about to take it a step further when she heard a low rumble erupted. She lifted away and looked questioningly at Carmen, and was rewarded with a 'I-told-you-so' shrug from Carmen. She sighed softly as she climbed off Carmen, but not before stealing one last kiss.

Carmen followed Shane into the kitchen. Shane always looked so cute when she was trying to figure out what to make for dinner. She blatantly stared on as Shane bent over to look for vegetables in the fridge. Before she could comment how Shane's little butt look so cute when it was sticking out, she was interrupted by the phone.

While she kept her eyes trained on Shane busying herself at the stove, she absentmindedly answered the phone. Only when she realized who was on the line, did her eyes shot wide open.

"Momma?"

"Yes, my baby, how are you?"

"I…," Carmen choked, she forgot how much she missed her mother's voice and her family, ever since she snapped out of her depression, "I'm fine, momma… me haces falta" She felt like crying, when she said I miss you, because deep down, she would always be Mama's girl.

"También me has hecho falta mi hija." As soon as she heard those words, her face scrunched up into a sob, and she was feeling all the emotions that she didn't realize that her mother sounded different.

She didn't know when it was, but Shane was already by her side, holding her and giving her support before she even asked for any.

"Hija?"

"Ya, momma, I'm still here." Carmen said after she felt courage return to her.

"Erm, I talked to your papito about your situation." Mercedes started.

"Was he… Did he… was he upset?" Carmen had to ask.

"Of course that pig would be upset, he is a very traditional man." Mercedes raised her voice, then she realized how Carmen must be feeling, because she continued quickly, "But my dearest baby, he would never remain angry with you, I talked to him long and hard."

"What… what about Carla, and hermano, and… the others?"

"They… are taking it pretty well." Mercedes said, somewhat confidently.

"Oh."

"That's what I was calling about baby, your papito would like to meet Shane. Sooo, you and Shane are coming to dinner, this Friday."

"Really, momma? I mean, I…" Carmen stared at Shane, unsure of how to react to the information, she was even more apprehensive about how Shane would react. Would Shane go with her, would she back out, and mostly, would she want to subject Shane to that kind of treatment? But ultimately, she wanted so badly for Shane to be accepted into her family, for her and Shane to be accepted into the Morales family as an entity, as a couple.

"I would love to, momma, but I gotta ask Shane first…" She looked questioningly at Shane, who nodded her agreement, Shane couldn't hear the conversation, but judging from Carmen's reaction, she could guess what was being said.

"Okay, baby. You call me right back okay. You know you are my favorite hija, and that no matter what happens, I will love you forever. Yes?

"Yes, momma, I love you too… I will call you right back."

After Carmen hung up the phone, she turned apprehensively to look at Shane, feeling really uncomfortable because Shane was staring right at her. She took a step back to lean against the wall, as it would help block out the look from Shane. Shane just stood there, waiting for Carmen to say something.

"So…" Carmen shifted her feet, she pressed her arms in between her body and the cool surface, and Shane knew that it was a moment of habit that represents nervousness.

"Dinner… right?" Shane probed softly, not wanting to push Carmen.

"Erm… right." Carmen smiled at Shane, amused that she was almost psyhic. "How did…"

Shane shrugged, "Yeah well…"

A long pause.

"So…" Carmen started again. "Dinner at my parents, Friday?" She shrugged a little, trying to act nonchalant. But Shane could tell that she was on the verge of breaking down.

"Do you want me to go?"

"I… I don't know." Carmen looked like she was going to start crying again. Shane closed the distance between the two of them… "Hey hey, peach…" She lifted her hands and Carmen walked right into them.

"I'd like to go. Honestly can't say I am excited about it, but… I'll go if you want me to." Shane said softly, as she rested her cheek on the top of her girlfriend's bald head.

"I wanna show you off to my family, get their blessings, I want them to love you, like I love you." Carmen said with conviction, Shane knew her though, Shane knew there was a 'but' somewhere.

"But…?"

Carmen sighed, now really grateful that Shane knew her so well.

"But I'm not sure if they would completely embrace you. I don't wanna torment them… I don't wanna torment you either."

"You won't… you won't…" Shane tried to calm a now agitated Carmen down.

"I will… I can't bear to lose either of you… I can't ever lose any of you… I…" Carmen choked, she wanted to make sense, she wanted so desperately to make sense. "I… I want the best of both worlds."

"You have… you have your family and you have me." Shane rubbed her hands along Carmen's back comfortingly. "If you don't want me to go, I won't… if you want me to, I will…"

"I've a really bad feeling about this, baby." Carmen hugged her girlfriend tightly.

"Then I won't go."

"But I want you to!" Carmen was practically screaming now, muffled by Shane's cotton top, but Shane could feel her shake with agitation. "I want my family to know you."

"Carmen… Carmen…."

"I don't want to keep you a secret anymore…"

"I'll go, as long as you want me to go. Peach… Calm… calm down…" Shane said repeatedly, not sure if she was going or not. But she was determined to keep her promise to Carmen, that the ball was in her court, that she would take her lead.

She let Carmen have her moment and quietly stroked her back. When she felt Carmen stop shaking, and started to calm down, she lifted Carmen's face off of her chest and stared down into the downcast eyes.

"Carmen, look at me." Shane used her thumb to stroke Carmen's chin. When Carmen finally lifted her eyes to look at Shane, Shane said, "Nothing will take you away from your family. And I will always be here. Always."

Carmen remained silent for a long time, just staring up into Shane's green orbs. "I hope ya right…"

"Hey. I know I am." Shane managed to coax a smile from Carmen. "We'll go, and we'll prove to them that we love each other so much that they can't help but give us their blessings."

"Really?" Carmen asked. When Shane nodded confidently, she smiled appreciatively. "Okay. I'll call momma now."

Carmen made plans to arrive at Mercedes' place right after radiotherapy on Friday. And the days went by in a flash.


	27. White Picket Fences

Shane pulled up in front of a nice little house with picketed fences and a well taken care lawn. She had been here before, countless of times, whenever she dropped Carmen off, Carmen had always been so paranoid that she always requested to drop at least 4 houses away, and Shane was always glad to oblige.

This day though, she pulled up right in front of the house, it looked so peaceful and innocent, but at the same time, it smelt of menace. She rubbed her sweaty palms on her jeans nervously, and when she stole a glance at Carmen she realized that Carmen was doing the same. Carmen had hid her head under a ski cap, hoping to god that her family didn't notice that she didn't have her long locks anymore. She had made Shane shave her head clean in the morning, and Shane had ingenuously glued some of the stubbles onto the bald parts, making the bald hairstyle more a fashion statement without the bald patches. "Special effects makeup," Shane explained. But Carmen still wore the cap, wanting to delay the pity groans for as long as possible.

Carmen had waited for this day to come for a long time. She waited and waited, dreamt in her sleep, and even when she was awake, she could see images of Shane amongst her family members, laughing and smiling. But when it had finally arrived, she didn't feel the joy she imagined to have. Where did the excitement, or the happy feelings go?

She glided her hands on her jeans as she stared at the house, the house that was home, but at the same time, such a strange place. Then, she caught sight of someone at the window. Before she could get a good look at who it was, the curtains came down abruptly. She reached out beside her, suddenly needing to hold on to Shane as tightly as possible. And Shane, sweet Shane answered with a tight squeeze, lacing their fingers together and ran her thumb reassuringly over the back of Carmen's hand.

"Shall we do this?" Shane said as she looked lovingly at Carmen. Carmen, with her shoulders slumped and her head hanging low, nodded after a long pause. "Yes, I think we've to, don't we?"

"Yeah. No backing out now." Shane brought the hand to her lips and placed a soft kiss there. "Let's knock'em dead." When Carmen didn't react, Shane sighed as she leaned forward and kissed Carmen lightly on the cheek. "For good luck."

Carmen smiled weakly and turned her head up to look at Shane. "Yeah. For good luck." She cupped her hand on Shane's cheek and kissed her. At first, it was a soft kiss, but the soft 'for-good-luck' kiss soon turned into one of desperation, almost as if, it would be the last time they kissed. Shane closed her eyes, putting all her heart and soul into the kiss.

When she opened them, she saw a figure by the window, a male figure. She couldn't make out how the man looked, but she could tell that he wasn't too happy by the way he was clutching the curtain and shaking. She pulled away abruptly, but it was too late, the figure at the window had since retreated back into the house.

Carmen didn't have to ask why Shane pulled away abruptly, she knew that Shane had spotted someone looking at them in the house. And now, all her resolve and the little that was left of her confidence melted away. She started shaking, and her head started to feel dizzy. Just as she was about to tell Shane to start the engine and go away, her mother runs out of the front door towards them, and they both knew that they were going to have to face it now, for better or for worse.

"Hija… my baby…" Mercedes screamed excitedly as she came up to the jeep. Carmen and Shane shared one last sigh before getting out of their respective sides… Mercedes came up to Carmen first, hugging her excitedly. "I miss you so much, mi hija…" She turned to Shane who approached them. "And you Shane, I'm so glad you came… welcome to my home, and it is also your home. You hear?"

"Thank you, Mercedes…" Shane smiled at the older woman.

"Momma, are you sure… papito and the others are… okay with… us?" Carmen asked uncertainly.

"Of course, no one is going to spoil tonight for us. No one, okay." Mercedes scolded…

Just then, Shane spotted a guy walking out of the house, she looked at him up and down, wondering if he was the man at the window, but he looked too young, and a little to scrawny to be the figure.

"Hermana!" The young man jogged towards them. "Roddy…" Carmen jumped happily, as she wrapped her arms around her brother. "I missed you, mi hermano menor…" "Yeah? Thank you for the rollerblades, I really appreciate them." Roddy said as he rested his head on Carmen's. He finally noticed Shane shifting uncomfortably behind Carmen and reached his hand out. "Hey, you must be Shane."

Shane took the hand and gave it a firm shake, glad that this guy seem to bare no disapproval. "Shane, this is my favorite baby brother, Roddy." Carmen said proudly, confident that Roddy would not judge Shane. Shane flashed that mega-watt smile of hers, "Hey, I've heard so much about you, Carmen wouldn't stop talking about you." She conveniently left out the fact that Carmen told her a lot about Anna too, because she didn't want to remind Carmen of her. "Good stuff… I hope." Roddy smiled right back.

"I hope Carmen told you how he doesn't do his homework too." Mercedes chirped in, not able to resist taking a stab at her youngest son.

"Momma!" Both Carmen and Roddy groaned. Shane laughed good-naturedly, really enjoying how comfortable the three of them were with each other. She never had any family, and this was almost a dream come true, if the whole family was like that. But she knew, that there were still some resentment, and when they make their way into the house, she would know exactly how much.

"Come, come… Meet the rest of the family." Mercedes ordered. She locked arms with Shane and led her into the house, while Roddy held on to Carmen.

The dreaded moment has arrived.


	28. Dinner and then some

The door opened to an empty house, dark and unwelcoming. Shane walked in without bothering with the lights, tired and disturbed. She sighed as she slogged with heavy steps to the couch and sunk deep into it. She threw her head and rested it on the couch, finally giving herself permission to cry, to let the tears fall freely. It had only been an hour, but she was missing her peach terribly. She wiped the salty tears that were irritating her eyes and smeared her eyeliner in the process. But she didn't care, the tears flowed as freely as before. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out the emptiness that was amplified in the house. It didn't work. So she burrowed her head into the couch, and finally… finally let out a series of sobs, finally allowing the inevitable truth to sink in.

She had lost Carmen.

* * *

"Papito…"

Carmen greeted her step-father apprehensively, hand clutched Roddy's tight. Roddy gave it a reassuringly squeeze before stepping away; allowing Shane, who had came up behind Carmen, to step forward. Mercedes moved up behind Carmen and Shane, and gave them a friendly shove. Awkwardly, Carmen cleared her throat and said "Papi, this is Shane…" and pointing to her family members one by one, she informed Shane, "This is Carla, my big sister; Jose, my brother-in-law; Ricardo, my eldest brother; Pedro, my second brother, and his wife, Esther."

Shane looked around, the expressions on the faces of Carmen's family members were mixed. Carla looked friendly, being the first to step up and hug Carmen, and extending her hand to Shane. Jose followed closely behind his wife, and politely expressed some greetings of welcome to Shane. Pedro and Esther were next, hugging Carmen and shaking Shane's hand as quickly as they could, as if they couldn't wait to get away.

But the look on Ricardo and Mr. Morales' faces were not of friendly nature. They look menacing, with eyes boring right thru into Shane, acting as if their space was violated. Mercedes came up between Ricardo and Mr. Morales and gave them a nudge. Instantly, Ricardo cleared his throat and stepped forward, extending his hand stiffly out at Shane. He cast a quick glance at Carmen and gave her a half-hearted smile. And Carmen felt the disapproval from her big brother. She held her tears in, her brother, whom she loved and adored, who had never cast a disapproving eye on her, who had supported her every decision, now looked at her like she was some stranger.

She turned sadly at Shane, and then turned back to look at her step-father, the one man whom she looked up to, she needed the approval from the most. He didn't look happy, and very grimly murmured his greetings, before walking off into the kitchen abruptly. And Carmen nearly fell with sadness. Carla stepped forward and held her tightly, and whispered, "Give him time Carmen, give him time." Carmen nodded and leaned into her sister's embrace.

A long pause around.

* * *

Shane wiped her tears off as she stood up and dragged her feet towards the bedroom. As she entered it, a whiff of Carmen's Tommy Girl Perfume hit her. She had always complained that Carmen puts too much of the stuff, but the truth was, she had always loved it, it always reminded her of Carmen. Even in recent weeks, where Carmen didn't use it, Shane would secretly splash some of it on her hand, the scent giving her strength to continue during Carmen's time of need.

But this scent, was now distracting. The presence of it was too painful a reminder. A reminder that she could no longer hold Carmen, and sniff her neck, and kiss her soft checks, and…

'Stop…!' Shane screamed inside.

She threw open the closet and parted the racks of Carmen's clothes, and pulled out a big box, covered with tiny hearts wrapping paper. On top of the box laid that 8th rose, withered and dried, from the week previous. She settled herself onto the carpet as she lifted the rose off the box and placed it gingerly onto her side. She eyed the box, heart broken because Carmen had never gotten to the 8th rose. As she ran her hands across the surface with the hearts, she saw droplets of water staining the surface of the paper, and realized that she was tearing again. She quickly wiped the tears away, not wanting to soil the wrapper.

Carefully, she removed the wrapping paper from the box and lifted the lid…

Sigh…

* * *

"Come, come Shane… We eat now. I cooked a feast to welcome you." Mercedes' voice broke the uncomfortable silence. Mercedes ordered in Spanish for the family to march to the dining room while she went off to get Mr. Morales.

As everyone settled around the table, Carmen looked around the table sadly. The feast was still there, most of the family members were there, save for Anna, but the mood was really solemn. Everyone looked uptight and it was unusually quiet around. Only Roddy chattered obliviously to Shane, asking about her career, about the hot starlets that Shane worked with, taking special interest in Shakira, which Shane met briefly once.

Shane answered politely, glad for the distraction that Roddy provided away from the grim mood of the dining room. But Carmen knew that she was really uncomfortable. Her usually happy family, who would make everyone who visited the Morales family feel at home, were doing their best to make Shane uncomfortable. She should get angry, she should… But when she realized that she was the whole cause of the grimness, she blamed herself for it instead.

Carla came back into the room with her 3 kids and Pedro's son, Amroy.

"Auntie Carmen!" All of the kids screamed and ran over to hug Carmen in a group hug. Carmen felt all the love, only the children could make the mood of the table lighten up. She hugged each of them dearly, appreciative of the fact that these little ones would never judge her like the adults would.

But Amroy noticed something that everyone had missed out on. He noticed that Carmen didn't have hair. "Auntie Carmen… where is your hair?" Everyone around the table froze. Carmen smiled weakly, "Well Roy, I decided to go for a new look…" She realized that all her family members were staring at her intently, and with unsure fingers pull off her ski hat to reveal her bald head. Her siblings stared, unable to believe their eyes, and only Carla gave a sympathetic look to Shane, as if knowing what Shane must being going through as well. A long uncomfortable pause seemed to rip across the room before the darling children managed to pull everyone back together.

Carla's eldest, 7 year old Diana, spotted Shane sitting beside Carmen and asked inquisitively, "Aunt Carmen, who is that?" Carmen looked over her shoulder and realized that Shane was looking at them with a little smile.

Flustered, she said, "Oh, Deedee, this is my friend Shane," Diana held out her hand, trying to mimic how the adults greet each other, and Shane gamely shook the hand, smiling "Nice to meet you." The other kids followed suit, as they always did whatever Diana did, even little Jose wanted in on the action and Carla handed him to Shane.

Shane, whose only experience with a baby was with Angelica, held Jose apprehensively, and little Jose felt uncomfortable. He started to whimper and Carmen decided to save both Jose and Shane, who was right now looking like she had a time bomb in her hands.

As Carla settled the children into their seats, the mood around the table seemed to have lighten quite a bit. Everyone started chatting easier. The topics started from the little kids asking questions, to everyone loosening up enough to talk about work and live, occasionally directing their questions to Carmen and Shane.

* * *

Shane pulled out a simple white dress. She meant for Carmen to wear it at the engagement. She figured that after Carmen said yes to marrying her, the next step was to get her a dress. Now the dress was just a painful reminder of what's not to come. She thought it would be easy, she had gained the approval of Mercedes. She had gained the approval of Roddy. And the rest of the clan were amicable enough. But the father, he was one strong man. Strong in stature and also strong in beliefs.

Shane could only sigh. As long as Mr. Morales was there to hinder the union, there was nothing Shane or Mercedes or anyone else could do. 'Bullshit Shane!' Her conscience yelled. She had been proclaiming her love for Carmen, even go to the depths of the ocean for her… but yet, she seemed to be giving up at such a slight setback. But she wasn't giving up, was she? Mr. Morales wanted what's best for his daughter, and Shane wanted what's best for Carmen. And maybe what's best was to let her go. Just like he said…

* * *

Papito never joined them at the table. He wasn't hungry, Mamita said, but Carmen knew better… He could not accept the fact that Carmen was 'not normal'. Carmen sighed as she poked at the food. Ever since she was little, ever since Carmen knew that she wasn't Raul Morales' real child, she had done all that she could to make him proud, so that he would be proud to call her his own. And Raul Morales, he loved Carmen just as much as his real children, he loved them all equally, but especially Carmen, the angel of the brood.

Now… now Carmen was no longer the angel. She was the devil, the devil incarnate. The child of Satan who went against everything in her catholic upbringing. Carmen gripped her fork even tighter, she had even brought Shane back home, to flaunt, to show her step-father. How could she had been so insensitive, how could she had done this without first seeking the approval of her father.

The mixed up feelings, the chemotherapy pills, the radiotherapy, the rejection from her step-father and so much more made the insides of her stomach hurt. She excused herself from the table and ran into the bathroom. She could hear fast words in Spanish between her family members, and she could hear footsteps following her to the bathroom. Knowing that it would be Shane, she left the bathroom door ajar, just so that Shane could come in with her. Squatting over the toilet bowl, she took her time in allowing the churning of her stomach to propel the sickness upwards.

"Hey…" Shane said after Carmen heard the door click shut. With a hand on Carmen's back, Shane kneeled down beside her girlfriend and gave her back a rub down. Carmen hurled somemore, and using her right hand, she grasped Shane's right in silent acknowledgement.

* * *

"Hi, er… Mercedes? This is Shane. Erm… yeah… I'm sorry too, has Carmen woken yet? No? Erm well… She… is not going to like this. I… it's for the best I guess… I… I love her very much. No no… I am not giving up… but… he had a point. I… … … … Yes… I understand… I am calling to let you know that it is time for Carmen's meds. You have to wake her even if she doesn't want to. I… sigh… I really miss her. I know… but… I'll talk to her tomorrow okay? Thank you Mercedes…"

* * *

"Oh my god, Shane… is my baby okay?" Mercedes asked concerned as Carmen and Shane came out of the bathroom. Shane had her arms around Carmen and was preventing her from falling. "She's fine. Just a little sick." Shane assured.

"Come come. Bring her to her old room. She can rest there." Mercedes led the way to a pretty bedroom and Shane settled Carmen down on one of the beds. "This is Carmen's and Anna's room…" Mercedes said sadly, Shane followed her gaze to a picture frame hanging by the dresser. A picture of Carmen and Anna a couple of years before, their arms around each other and both smiled so widely. She turned back to look at Mercedes and gave her a sad smile.

"Well. I will leave you to put my daughter to sleep, after that you join us in the hall for desert okay." Mercedes walked over to Carmen and kissed her forehead. "Rest well, Carmencita, you rest before Shane bring you home okay."

"Gracias, Mamita." Carmen said before snuggling into her sheets.

As soon as Mercedes left the room, Carmen pulled Shane down to her and they touched foreheads. "Do my breath stink?" Carmen asked.

Shane let out a small chuckle before answering sweetly. "No, but even if it does, I'll still do this." She leaned down to place a soft peck on Carmen's lips.

"Sorry I had to get sick like that. I…"

"Ssh. Stop that. I don't want you to say things like that." Shane scolded. She tugged at Carmen's blankets and pulled it up. "I am going to be right outside okay, you sleep the effects of the drugs off, and I will come back in to take you home, okay?"

Carmen grabbed hold of Shane's arm as she made a move to leave. "No, Shane… I'm afraid. Don't go, I feel like if you leave, I am not going to see you again." Carmen forced herself up and hugged Shane close. "Don't leave, stay here with me."

"I'll be right outside, Peach. I am not going anywhere." Shane tried to soothe her frighten girlfriend. "I promise I will be right outside when you wake up." She tugged at her hand softly and realized that Carmen hadn't let go of her death grip. "I will stay here with you till you fall asleep okay, Peach?"

Shane took off her shoes and scooted into the sheets behind Carmen, spooning and cuddling her till at last she could hear the restful breathing of deep slumber. She untangled herself from her girlfriend and replaced the sheets over Carmen securely. And as her gaze fall on her girlfriend, she placed a soft kiss on her cheek. She placed another few kisses on her temple and her hair and another on her cheek because she couldn't resist herself. And finally she dragged herself out of the room, taking one last look at her girlfriend before closing the door behind her.

Shane walked back into the living room. The whole family had moved there, and so was Mercedes and her husband. He wore a grim expression on his face, having heard that Carmen hurled. He looked hard at Shane, his eyes accusing Shane, as if Shane was all the cause of Carmen's illness. He blamed Shane for all the bad things that had happened in Carmen's life, and Shane could feel the weight of the insane anger in his eyes.

Carla patted the seat beside her and asked Shane to join her. Apprehensive at first, she took the seat that was so kindly offered to her. But no matter where she went in the room. Mr. Morales' eyes followed her.

TBC


	29. Bring There

A ray of light hit Carmen's face and she groaned. She turned her head into her pillow and settled back into the comforts of sleep. Light? Sunlight? Involuntarily, Carmen jolted upright. Vaguely, she remembered Shane spooning her to sleep, then getting off the bed to go outside. Her mother came in. Groggily she swallowed her medication, groggily she smiled as her mother cradled her like she used to… groggily she assumed that Shane was waiting for her outside. Shane.

She looked around the room and confusion overcame her. She was still in her old room, in her mother's house. But it was daylight. Shane promised her she would bring her home. Shane promised. But… it was day, in her mother's house. Her head span out of control. Her worst fears came rushing in. Did Shane leave? Abandoned her? Did she decide that she was too much of a hassle and left her at her mother's? Was she gone for good?

Quickly, and quietly, Carmen got off the bed and made her way out of the room. The house was quiet, and peaceful. But she feared that as she was asleep, hell had broken loose. "Shane wouldn't leave me, Shane wouldn't leave me." Her brain screamed, but evidence showed that Shane was nowhere to be found. Neither were any of her family members. At the moment, Carmen would rather believe that a meteor had fallen and everyone had perished, then to believe that Shane had left without a word.

'That's it, a meteor. No… maybe I am still dreaming, maybe I am in another dimension. Maybe I went back in time…' Carmen tried all sorts of irrational excuses to ease her growing fears. But as she came into the kitchen, and spotted a note that her mother left for her. She knew that she wasn't dreaming, she was alive and well, in the right dimension, and that Shane had abandon her.

'Carmen, gone to take care of some things at the store. Will be back in a few.' The note read in spanish.

No mention of Shane, or anything else. It's almost as if it was like she never moved out, that nothing had happened. Her eyes traveled to the counter top near the sink, rested on top was a couple of pill bottles that Carmen recognized as her own. Nope, it was all real, she still had cancer.

And Shane had abandon her.

She searched around for her cellphone and found it in her old bedroom. By nature of memory, she dialed Shane's number. But she didn't hit call, she couldn't. What if Shane decided that it wouldn't work out and told her that. What if Shane didn't answer her call, knowing that it was her. What if Shane… All the incoherent thoughts floated around her mind. She forgot that just days ago Shane proposed to her, forgot that Shane loved her so much. All she could think of were the negative thoughts.

Deciding against calling, she flipped her cell close and flung it onto the bed. She raised her hands up to her hair, by habit, but came upon the baldness of her head. 'That's right, I have no more hair.' She rolled her eyes.

Hair.

Carmen glanced at the clock. 10am it read. Knowing Shane's work schedule by heart, she knew that Shane would be starting work at Wax now. Shane took on the job at Wax on a part-time basis, a stable income and a regular time, so that she could better take care of Carmen and provide for her. Yes. Shane would be at Wax. Or at least Carmen hoped so. She knew then what she had to do.

The only computer Carmen knew of in the house was in Roddy's room. So she went in that direction. Roddy would be in school now, she thought, and true enough the room was empty. Messy, smelly and empty, just like a boy's room. Usually, Carmen would have smiled at the thought, but now, she was on a mission, and that was the last thing on her mind.

 _DJ-Sugar is online._

 _Shane4Wax : Hi_  
 _Shane4Wax : How r u feel'in today?_  
 _Shane4Wax : Carm?_  
 _DJ-Sugar : Why did u leave?_  
 _Shane4Wax : Carm… I… I don know…_  
 _DJ-Sugar : U left me here Shane. YOU LEFT ME HERE_  
 _Shane4Wax : They r ur family, I thought that maybe you would like to stay_  
 _DJ-Sugar : …_  
 _Shane4Wax : Peach, please don b angry…_  
 _DJ-Sugar : U left me here, knowing tt I begged u not 2 leave me_  
 _Shane4Wax : I'm sorry… Peach, I'm really sorry_  
 _DJ-Sugar : Wat happened?_  
 _Shane4Wax : Nothing happened_  
 _DJ-Sugar : *Rolls eyes*_  
 _Shane4Wax : really… nothing happened_  
 _DJ-Sugar : If u r not going to tell me. I don't see a pt in continuing the convo_  
 _Shane4Wax : Carmen. I love you._  
 _DJ-Sugar : If u luv me. U wouldn't have left me w/o telling me_  
 _Shane4Wax : Peach. I… can I call u later?_  
 _Shane4Wax : Carmen? U there?_  
 _DJ-Sugar : Why wouldn't u come and get me instead?_  
 _Shane4Wax : I… I promise I'll explain later… okay?_  
 _Shane4Wax : my next appt just walked in. I gotta go_  
 _DJ-Sugar : Fine. Watever._  
 _Shane4Wax : peach, I know u r angry… I'll call u and explain okay._  
 _DJ-Sugar : yeah_  
 _Shane4Wax : I love you. I really REALLY love you._  
 _DJ-Sugar : yeah_  
 _Shane4Wax : Don't… please don't doubt my love_  
 _DJ-Sugar : No_  
 _Shane4Wax : Sigh. I'll call u as soon as I am done_  
 _DJ-Sugar : k_

 _Shane4Wax is away._

* * *

'Sigh' Carmen was very angry, she had every right to be… Shane knew that Carmen would be really upset. In fact, Carmen seemed to have taken it better than she thought. A little cold, but that's understandable.

Walking towards that lady who looked just like a little pixie, Shane went though the motions of asking her what kind of hairstyle she wanted, what kind of look was she going for, and started to prepare her tools. All the while thinking in her head how she was going to explain to Carmen what happened. She didn't want it to turn ugly, but she also knew that her peach deserved the truth, and the truth was going to hurt her.

Sigh.

She started chomping away at the hair, responding to the words that the pixie lady was saying cordially, not really hearing, but the occasional nod and smile would have to do today.

* * *

That didn't go very well. Carmen rested her temple on her hands, eyes closed to block out the IM window in front of her. She didn't mean to accuse Shane that way, or be that cold to her. She should have been glad that Shane still loved her and did not tell her to f—off. But she couldn't help it, Shane indicated that she wasn't going to come to get her, or at least that's what Carmen read. And Shane was definitely hiding something from her, she could tell, being so in tune with Shane.

Carmen wasn't blind, she could tell that something bad had happened to cause Shane to bail out on her. But all she could think about was the fact that Shane left without her, that Shane did not fight for her…

She slammed her hand angrily on the keyboard. Directing her angry to the lifeless object in front of her. And she could have swore that it spoke to her.

"Woh woh… what's wrong?"

Realizing that the voice came from behind her, she jerked her head around and saw Roddy standing by the door.

"What are you doing here?" Carmen asked angrily.

"I could ask you the same, my room ya'know?" Roddy raised an eyebrow at her. He strutted lazily to his bed and plonked himself down on it. Cracking the bones on his neck as he spoke. "It's fine if you use the computer, but it ain't that cool if you wanna break it. I have homework in there."

Carmen rolled her eyes and sighed, unable to say a word. Her eyelids drooped down and she wanted to let the tears fall. Roddy sensed the change in mood in his sister, and immediately sat up straighter.

"Hey."

"Yeah?" Carmen looked up through the lashes at Roddy, and the concern look he had on was going to trigger the waterfall of tears. Quickly, she turned away, refusing to give in to them, refusing to be weak this time.

"Don't cry, hermana…" Was all the 15-year old boy could say.

"Yeah well. Tell me what happened last night." Carmen lifted her head to hold back the free falling tears, demanding an answer from the only sibling she could trust at the moment. She didn't know how accepting the rest of her clan were, and so far, Roddy was the only one who had told her that he was cool with it. 'Hah. Who would have thought, the only sensible one in the family is the youngest one of the brood.'

Roddy looked at Carmen incredulously, as if Carmen was sending him to his death in a fire pit. He contemplated the question slowly, his eyes trained on the basketball hoop hanging above his doorway, undecided on the course of action. The minutes ticked by, and Carmen waited impatiently for Roddy. At last, Roddy lowered his head towards Carmen.

"I don't think it's my place to say it, but I don't think that it's fair that you are kept in the dark either." Roddy said slowly.

"Basically, Papito told Shane that it would be best if she leaves you, and so she did."


	30. Confrontation

Shane looked around the room tentatively, everyone was solemn and quiet, whispering amongst themselves. Only Carla directed her attention to her, causing Shane to smile with appreciation.

"How is she?" She asked.

"She's doing good, the pills sometimes do that to her." Shane glanced over to Mr. Morales involuntarily and caught the tail end of a cringe. She looked away as quickly as possible so that she didn't have to lock eyes with the man that now intimidated her to death. "The hurling is less frequent now, 'cause she takes nausea pills too, but sometimes, lil' things can trigger it." Shane continued explaining to Carla as best as she can, her voice escalating as she realized that the entire family's eyes were on her listening to her explanation.

Carla placed a comforting arm over Shane's shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "It must be really hard on you too."

"Yeah well, I've learnt to deal with it."

With a shrug, Shane bowed her head down and slanted her eyes up, catching the eye of Mercedes. Mercedes gave her an encouraging smile before addressing her family, "Okay, who wants more desert?"

The children started jumping around screaming 'me me me', causing the entire family to laugh. "I'll help you momma," Carla said, getting up and walking into the kitchen after her mother. Roddy always went where the food was, and followed his elder sister eagerly.

That left Shane vulnerable and alone. The only two support she felt she had left, leaving her to deal with the different pairs of eyes penetrating her. The uncomfortable eyes of Pedro and Esther, the confused eyes of Ricardo, and mainly the angry eyes of Mr. Morales all bore into her soul, and she shifted her legs in discomfort.

Esther cleared her throat awkwardly and announced, "I'll go see if there is anything that Roy could eat," hurling the baby into the kitchen faster then the words came out.

The silence was deafening. Shane felt like she rather be shot dead then be here another minute longer. As she was about to make an excuse to escape, Ricardo suddenly asked, "So Shane, I heard you take good care of my sister. Thank you." It wasn't exactly warm, the voice, but it was adequately cordial, and Shane appreciated it, knowing how uncomfortable it must be for the eldest sibling Carmen had.

"It is what I have to do…" Shane started, before she finished her sentence, Mr. Morales snorted in a low voice, "What you have to do. Hah." Shane glanced his way and saw him rolling his eyes. She pretended she didn't hear him and continued, "because she is my…" She wanted to say 'everything' or 'girlfriend', but didn't know how the males of the family, especially the patriarch would take it… so she let her words trail off.

"And you are a hairdresser?" Ricardo asked again.

"Er… Yeah… I do hair, I'm a hairstylist." Again Shane peeped at the reaction of the man of the house, and again she saw that cringe and that roll of his eyes. Normally, Shane would just walk away from situations like that, she had handled enough of this shit to know that either she was going to blow up and confront the guy, or she would just walk away from the whole situation. But this was Carmen's family, the father Carmen respected and loved. Carmen didn't talk about her family much, but when she did, she would talk about how adorable the kids were; how cute Roddy was when he talked about his passions like video games and rollerblading; how lovingly bossy her big brothers were when they told her she couldn't do this and that, but in the end relenting and covering her tracks; how incredibly talented her sisters were, Carla with numbers and figures and Anna with her knowledge; how fidgety her mother gets when she went on her missions to feed the family; but most of all, how Mr. Morales was so kind to take her in, and treat her like his own, loving her, letting her grow.

Shane knew Carmen loved her father, the only father she ever knew. And so she couldn't just ignore him, nor could she confront him. There wasn't much she could do short of digging a hole in the ground and burying herself in it. She looked at the ground nervously, hoping that the rest of the clan would make their way back to the living room soon. No such luck, because Mr. Morales started speaking.

"How much do you earn a month?" Very precise and right to the point, Shane was taken aback at such a personal question, but realized that it was an inevitable question. If she was taking care of Carmen, it was natural her father would want to know if she could support his daughter. "I don't really make a fix amount of money, but at the moment, we… are comfortable with all the expenses and everything." Shane hestitated when she saw Mr. Morales cringe at the word 'we'.

"How do you think, you are going to support Carmen if you don't have a stable income?"

"We… I… am making ends meet, and at the moment, with insurance and all, it is pretty comfortable." Shane stated with a confidence that she pulled out of nowhere. The pressure had gotten to her, and she was now reacting the same way she would react to a white supremist.

"And then what Shane? How are you going to give a stable life to Carmen? How could you provide for her and be there for her."

"With all due respect sir, I am doing my best to provide for your daughter, I love her and would do anything for her."

"Including be the father of her children, be the man for her? Because Shane. You'll never be a man for Carmen." Mr. Morales said up straight, and his words whammed straight into Shane's heart. All those weeks ago, where she had that talk with Alice came flooding right back into her. It's true, she would never be a man for Carmen… and…

"Papi, Carmen chose her as much as she chose Carmen." Ricardo said. He stood up from his seat and walked over to Shane. "Besides, Shane had proven the past two years that she could take good care of Carmencita."

Mr. Morales stood up as well, coming face to face with Ricardo. ¨Si , y mira como carmen se tiene que ocultar de su familia¨ He spat the words right into his step-son's face, his head twitched with every word.

Both Shane and Pedro stood up, Pedro was determined to break up the fight if necessary, and Shane wasn't going to let her battle be fought by another, even though she was truly grateful for Ricardo who stood up for her.

She didn't know what that last line was. Something about family, and the tone that Mr. Morales was using, Shane dreaded what she thought the meaning was. And her worst fears were fulfilled when Ricardo spat back, in English, for the benefit of Shane. "It is precisely because we are so unaccepting that Carmencita has to hide herself from us."

"This is not about you Ricky, keep out of this." Mr. Morales warned in a slow, low monotone. Shane figured that this wasn't a good sign, because Ricardo took a step back, a little scared.

"Papi, por favor... no hagas esto." Pedro pleaded. But with a glance to Pedro's direction, Mr. Morales managed to silence Pedro as well. The rest of the clan rushed out of the kitchen when they heard raised voices. On seeing that the patriarch of the family was on his feet, face to face with Ricardo, Mercedes ordered Esther to usher the kids back into the room before stepping forward to intervene.

"Raul Morales, controla tu temperamento."

"Callate, tú. tú. invitaste esto...esta basura a mi casa." Mr. Morales roared. "tú invitaste la razón por qué carmen esta llevando esa vida poco natural a la casa."

"es la elección de carmen y tú lo sabes, Raul." Mercedes shouted right back.

"sí, bueno...eso es lo que la hace estar enferma ahora, yendo en contra de la voluntad de Dios!" Raul Morales plonked back down onto his seat in the armchair, but did not lean back, an act of defiance and dignity.

All this while, Shane followed the exchange between all the family members quietly, not exactly understanding what the fight was about, but only knew that the fight was about her and Carmen.

Mercedes took a look at Shane and turned back to face her husband, speaking in a calmer voice, and in English, again for the benefit of Shane.

"Carmen got sick, and that's a fact. It is a fact that you don't want to deal with, but it is not Shane's fault, so stop blaming it on her. Or on my baby Carmen. She is a good woman, and Shane here is a good woman, taking care of my baby. So you will have to live with that." She took a long hard look at Shane before continuing, "And so what Shane is not a boy, she is doing a better job then all the men I know. I know she loves my daughter more then a man will ever."

"Si si… and all the relatives will think our daughter is a freak…. How is she going to walk the streets with dignity." Raul Morales sounded defeated, and a weak attempt at sarcasm. He truly cares for his daughter in his own way.

"Like she had always walked the streets. Proud." Mercedes emphasized the word 'proud' and lifted her head high, before walking over and giving Shane a squeeze on her hand. Shane wanted to cry, she never wanted the family to fight over the matter, over her. The words "You'll never be a man for Carmen" echoed in her head. She wanted to turn tail and run. But that wasn't much of an option now, because everyone was glancing her way, all she could do is give a weak smile around and shoved her hands deep into her pocket.

"Papi. Don't be like that. It is hard for all of us to accept, but Carmen loves Shane, and cannot do without Shane. We have to give them our blessings." Carla spoke up gently, trying to reason with their difficult father.

Raul Morales closed his eyes and pinched his nose bridge with his fingers. Tired, defeated, mostly disappointed and deflated. He didn't look at anyone when he started saying. "Shane, if you love Carmen, leave. Leave because Anna wouldn't come back because you are still around. Leave because you are harmful to Carmen. Leave." He looked up at Shane, and for the first time, Shane saw a tired old man, pleading. "Anna is a suitable donor for Carmen. The letter came today. But Anna wouldn't come back, wouldn't listen to a word any of us say. Because you are here. Please. Just leave."

* * *

Translations:

 _Si , y mira como carmen se tiene que ocultar de su familia_ -Yes, and looks like Carmen has to hide from her family

 _Papi, por favor... no hagas esto_ \- Papi, please ... do not do this

 _Raul Morales, controla tu temperamento_ \- Raul Morales, control your temper

 _Callate, tú. tú. invitaste esto...esta basura a mi casa_ \- Shut up you. you invited this ... this garbage to my house

 _tú invitaste la razón por qué carmen esta llevando esa vida poco natural a la casa - why you invited Carmen is taking this unnatural life to the house_

 _es la elección de carmen y tú lo sabes, Raul_ \- It is the choice of carmen and you know it, Raul

 _sí, bueno...eso es lo que la hace estar enferma ahora, yendo en contra de la voluntad de Dios_ \- Yeah, well ... that's what makes her sick now, going against God's will


	31. Tiredness

"What!" Carmen screamed, not believing her ears.

"Hey, don't scream at me… I'm just say'in what I saw." Roddy raised his hands at Carmen.

"Papi said that Anna is a donor? You sure 'bout that?"

"Si, hermana, si… I wouldn't lie about something like that."

Carmen slumped her shoulders, not believing her ears. That was what went down, all during the time that she had been resting. So many revelations, so many new discoveries… most importantly, Anna… Anna was a suitable donor, which meant that Carmen had a chance of surviving the dreadful illness. But what did it mean, what did all of that mean. Why had it got to be so complicated, Anna… Shane… Papi… they were all the loves of her life… She cannot, and would not live if one of them disappeared from her life. But… it seemed that way. A silent tear trickled down her face. She was too shocked at the revelation to understand what it all meant. All she knew was that her life was no longer worth living.

Roddy, who had by that time laid back onto his bed, lifted himself on his elbows to look at his sister. "Hermana…?"

Her head lifted, and through a screen of tears, stared at her dear brother. She had no more words, her mind not working anymore, a sea of emptiness.

Emptiness.

Roddy looked around worriedly, unsure of what he had to do, and was on the verge of panicking, just like he panicked when Carmen fainted. From afar, he heard the ringing of a cellphone. Recognizing it as Carmen's, Roddy looked over at his sister, still deep in a trance.

"Hermana?" He called out gently, when he was sure that Carmen did not hear him. He leaned over and tapped her on the shoulder. "Hermana… your phone is ringing." Carmen turned and looked at Roddy, and he was shocked at the emptiness in her eyes. "Are you okay?"

Carmen didn't answer. She made her way towards her room without so much as acknowledging Roddy, leaving Roddy worried sick.

A beep from the computer caused Roddy to turn his attention away from the empty door Carmen disappeared out of, and realized that Carmen's had an IM.

 _Shane4wax : Carmen… you there?_  
 _Shane4wax : I tried to call you, but you didn't answer._  
 _DJ-Sugar : Hey Shane, this is Roddy._  
 _Shane4wax : Roddy? Is Carmen alright? Did something happen?_  
 _DJ-Sugar : Er… no. I mean… She is fine._  
 _Shane4wax : Is she avoiding me?_  
 _DJ-Sugar : No no… Er… I kinda explained what happened yesterday… and she is pretty shaken up now._  
 _Shane4wax : What! Damn…_  
 _DJ-Sugar : She just walked back 2 her room, I'm thinking to get her phone. I suggest calling her again._  
 _Shane4wax : Okay, will do that now._  
 _Shane4wax : Thank you Roddy._  
 _DJ-Sugar : I hope I didn't mess things up 4 u._  
 _Shane4wax : No worries Roddy, nothing can make it more f*cked up then it is now._  
 _DJ-Sugar : Okay. Good Luck._  
 _Shane4wax : Thanks_

 _Shane4wax is offline._

The room smelt like Honeysuckle and coconut, the two scents that Anna loved. Her favorite little sister, the sister she had doted on the most. It made sense that out of all her siblings, Anna was the suitable donor. The thing that didn't make sense was, Anna holding such a huge grudge that she didn't want to save Carmen. Did Anna feel that Carmen deserved to die just because she was gay?

Carmen shook that horrid thought out of her head, 'No… Anna is not that heartless. Is she?' Then why would Papi say something like that? Papi trying to force Shane to leave by threatening her? 'Papi would never do that, would he?'

Carmen sat down onto the bed, forgetting about the cell phone that she had came to retrieve. Was Shane really going to give her up, just so that she would live? 'Shane wouldn't do that, would she?' Carmen stared at a corner of the room, her mind filtered through all the thoughts, and in the end, nothing went through her mind again. Random words came and gone, but nothing stringed together.

Seconds turned into minutes, and minutes turned into… a lifetime. Carmen seemed to be staring into space for a lifetime. Vaguely, she heard her cellphone ringing again. And the moment her head registered it, the sound became really loud, and she realize that her phone was sitting right beside her. Without checking her caller ID, she knew it was Shane calling, and gingerly, she hit the answer button and placed the phone at her ear.

"Hello? Carmen?"

Silence.

"Carmen… Hello?"

"I'm here." Carmen said, the words formed, the mind not actually registering.

"Hi." Shane said, unsure of where to start.

"Hi."

"How are you today?"

"I don't know." Carmen answered, her emotions finally returning to her. And the one coming back full force was that of sadness and desperation.

"Have you taken the pinkies?" Shane asked, referring sometimes to the pink chemo pills as pinkies.

"No." Carmen stated truthfully.

"Carmen… You have to…" Sighed Shane.

"I don't have to anything." The defiance in Carmen's voice unmistakable. She didn't want to talk about her illness or her medication, she wanted to hear what Shane had to say.

"Peach. I…" A long pause followed as Shane tried to form the words to say. "Carm, your father… he said…."

"I know what he said…" Carmen snapped, that wasn't what she wanted to hear from Shane. "I wanna know what you said."

The long pause resumed again before Shane finally said, "Peach, I place you above everything, you know that." Carmen could hear the choke in her girlfriend's voice, but she didn't relent, not because she was heartless, but because she really didn't know what to think. "And I…" Shane choked again, "I think that you are better off in the care of your family."

"So everything we had together is not valid?"

"Carm…"

"And it shouldn't have happened at all?"

"Carm… No…"

"And that you rather not have met me…"

"What! Carmen…"

"And that you wished you had never had loved me?"

"Stop it! Goddamnit Carmen!" Shane screamed. Her voice choked thick with tears. "Stop it. I love you… I love you so much. Everything we had together is so beautiful, I will never regret everything that had happen with you. I would rather die a thousand times than… than…" Her voice so thick with tears that she couldn't continue.

"Then why don't you understand that I love you too, that I wouldn't be able to live on without you, that I would rather live out these few months and die than to live forever without you. Why can't you understand that." Carmen shouted back, her own voice shaking, finally saying what she feared most, to live life without Shane.

"You will not die… please don't say that…" Shane pleaded, Carmen could hear that Shane was crying uncontrollably. She herself had no tears, as if she had came to terms with herself, with dying…

"I'm tired Shane, I am tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to have to choose between you and my family."

"You don't have to… Peach… You will always have me… and you will always have your family." Shane managed to say, gasping for air as she went along.

"I rather die..." Carmen said calmly, facing the grim truth of death head on. "I don't want the transplant. If it means that I have to be away from you. I don't want it."

"Damnit Carmen. It is not for you to decide. All of us need you… We need you… I need you."

"And I need you. But I'm tired. I don't think I can do this… not without you…"

"Carmen… don't be like that."

Carmen laid back onto the bed, seemingly at peace with herself for the first time… "Do whatever you want. Do whatever you think is best… I will do whatever I think is best for me. I love you Shane." With that, she flipped her cell shut and closed her eyes. Falling back into a deep restful trance.


	32. Wings of Change

"Carmen…! Carmen! Mercedes! Carmen…. Roddy!"

Shane pounded hard on the door. When she didn't get an answer, she jumped off the front porch and ran to the living room window, straining her neck to look inside. The insides looked curiously quiet. Shane ran around the house, peeking into every window available; the back door was latched shut. Shane was panicking now, did the Morales family take Carmen away and left, or did something happen to Carmen? Shane shook her head hard, 'no no… Mercedes wouldn't do that.' Shane bolted back to the front door, unsure of what to do now. She set herself down on the front of the porch and laid her head in between her arms, trying to calm down and string together a set of coherent thoughts for her next course of action.

Suddenly, a vibration at the back of her pocket startled her and she jolted up from her place on the porch. She pulled out her cell phone from the back pocket and immediately flipped it open and yelled, almost desperately, "Hello! Carmen?"

"Calm down, weirdo… what happened?" The voice replied.

"… Alice… I…" Shane choked, she couldn't continue…

"Shane… hey…. Did something happen to Carmen? Tell me what's wrong?"

"Carmen… I left her at her family's home yesterday…" She managed to get out, "and she got really mad… and started saying weird things. I… I am at the house now… and there is no one here…"

"Shane… calm down…" Alice was really worried now, she had never heard Shane sounding so panicky before. "Shane… have you called Mercedes? You were keeping in contact with her right?"

"Mercedes! Yes… I'll call her now… Yes yes… that's what I'll do." Shane mumbled, sounding as if she was going to hang up.

"Hold it Shane! Tell me where you are now. I'm coming right over to get you. I'm not letting you go through this on your own." Alice commanded.

Shane was feeling much better, calmer in the fact that Alice was coming to give her the support she needed. She gave her best friend the address of the Morales house and promised to stay there till Alice comes.

"Okay, while you wait, you call Mercedes okay… Everything is going to be okay." With that, they said their goodbyes and hung up.

Shane immediately dialed Mercedes' number and waited for it to connect. In her head, she kept thinking of the worst scenarios, mainly involving the family keeping Carmen from her. 'Shit shit shit…' Shane cussed at herself for making the worst decisions ever, for leaving Carmen behind when she specifically told her not to, for taking such a long time to decide to come get her woman. Shane couldn't believe how stupid she was… and…

"Hello? Shane?"

"Mercedes? Is Carmen there? I need to talk to her."

"Carmen is not with you?" Suddenly, Shane registered the desperation in Mercedes' voice as well. Her world sank to a deeper abyss. If Carmen was with the family, Shane had no other choice but to live with the decision that she had made. But Carmen wasn't there…

"Mercedes. Where is Carmen…"

"Shane, we are looking for her now. Where are you?"

"On your front porch.. What happened to Carmen!" Shane started pacing around, panicking. Carmen wasn't with Mercedes, and Mercedes was out looking for Carmen too. The phone line clicked dead, and before Shane realized that Mercedes had hung up the phone, a car pulled up in front of the house and 2 people got out of it.

Shane looked up in time to see that it was Mercedes and Ricardo who were in the car.

"Shane!" Mercedes called out, making her way towards the lanky girl. Before she got to her though, Ricky got to Shane first and grabbed her by the collar, almost lifting Shane off of the ground.

"What did you say to her! What did you do to make her leave!" Ricky hissed right into Shane's face. Mercedes stepped in, shouting for Ricky to put Shane down, but Ricky held on, determined to beat the crap out of Shane if he had to.

"I…" Shane choked, fighting for breath as Ricky pulled at her collar.

"I swear, I am going to kill you for what you did!" Ricky threatened.

"Ricardo! Put her down this instance." Mercedes shouted, using her weaker hands to try and pry her son's away from Shane. But Ricky held on, shaking her as her continued his line of questioning.

"Ricardo Dominique. Put her down at once." Mercedes used her most authoritative voiceand said in Spanish. This time, Ricky heard his mother and with great reluctance, threw Shane down, causing her to fall backwards onto the porch.

"You okay, Shane?" Mercedes asked. Holding Shane's face in between her palms, she inspected the shaken girl and then turned to her son and sprouted a string of Spanish at him, presumably scolding him. She then turn her attention back to Shane and ran her motherly hands on her cheeks, soothing her broken spirit as she explained, "She left. Roddy heard Carmencita shouting on the phone, when he went to take a look, he saw that she was packing her bags, needed some space she said. He couldn't stop her, and now the whole family is looking for her."

"I shouldn't have left last night… I shouldn't have left…" Shane mumbled, rocking slightly from spasm of panic. "I shouldn't have told her that she was better off without me… I shouldn't have made it sound like I was abandoning her.

"You what!" Ricky was at his boiling point. "You said you love her… and now you are telling me that you broke up with her!" He grabbed Shane again, one hand by the collar, the other on the verge of throwing a punch.

Mercedes shouted out at once, but hers was not the only voice. Alice and Dana got there in the nick of time and rushed over, trying to help her friend get away from the bad situation. Mercedes continued shouting at her son to put Shane down, and he did. No matter how angry he was, Ricardo knew that he would never hurt a woman. An angry pain flashed across his eyes, and the pain turned into sorrow, "If Shane was a man, I would have punched the daylights out of him, but that's the point isn't it? If Carmen would settle down with a good catholic boy, none of this would have happened."

Ricardo walked back into the house dejectedly, leaving four confused women staring after him. Alice and Dana, not knowing who he was, were the most confused, here was a man who nearly punched Shane's face in, but moments later walked away without so much a second glance back. Mercedes took comfort in the fact that she raised her son well, and Shane, Shane was just lost, at a huge freaking lost of what to do.

* * *

"Hey… you feeling better?" Alice asked as she brought a cup of tea to Shane, rocking back and forth on the couch. Dana sat on the armchair directly opposite Shane, not exactly knowing what she should say or do. So many things had happened since the last time they fell out and she wasn't as updated as Alice was. But Alice knew what was going on, Alice knew that Shane was going through all the stress and all the pressure. She was starting to get pissed with the Latina, sick or not, because she felt like Carmen was demanding too much from Shane, and Shane was giving, giving, and giving. She was pissed, and in the traditional Alice fashion, said so.

"Shane, you should take time away from Carmen."

Shane looked up from her spot on the rim of the cup and shot daggers into Alice.

"I mean seriously, you give and give to her, and what'd she do, give you nothing but pain and grief back."

"Don't talk like that about Carmen." Shane angrily said.

"But…"

"Alice… Shut up." Dana pitched in right before everything would turn ugly. Alice just shrugged, and headed back into the kitchen.

"Shane." Dana whispered, reaching over to place a comforting arm on Shane. "Use this time to rethink the situation. It all boils down to what's best for Carmen, versus what she wants for herself."

"I need to find her…" Shane hissed, placing the still full cup of tea down onto the coffee table before standing up, and heading straight to the door.

"Shane wait. Where are you going to go?" Dana reached out to hold her friend still.

"I don't know… but I need to find her…"

Alice, all the while listening in to the conversation, walked towards Shane and commanded, "WE will find her, but instead of blindly searching, take a moment to think where she would be…"

Where could she be?


	33. A New Life

The rippling waves lapped onto the shore relentlessly, its zest for life baffles, but at the same time, seemed so comforting to Carmen. The sea gulls, always an enigma, soared above the water, circling and circling before they streamlined right into the water and pulled up a plume fish, it's cruelty and resilience to survive both disgust her and astounded her. It was the instinct to survive, the instinct to use whatever means to live, if a simple seagull could understand that, why was Carmen trying to court a slow death? But she wasn't, Carmen reasoned as she hugged her cardigan closer to her, sliding her hands under the woolen fabric to keep them from turning cold, she was just trying to clear her head, make time for herself, think things through.

After running out of the Morales house, Carmen wandered around aimlessly for the day, just taking the public bus around LA. She avoided the places that she knew Shane, her family or her friends frequented, even went as far as avoiding the places that she knew anyone had even been once. All these avoiding brought her to the Pacific Palisades area of LA, and she decided to take a break here, near the beautiful beaches and the low hills.

Carmen stumbled upon a nice motel, the Sea Breeze, right on the coast of the beach, cushioned by the low cliffs. It wasn't too expensive, and it was quiet and clean, perfect for her to collect her thoughts. Carmen spent the days walking along the beach, and then in the nights, DJ at the local bar right by her motel, well more like a KJ anyway. The day she arrived, she went into the little bar beside the motel and found it to be quaint, there was only one person working, and between tending the bar and tending to the Karaoke equipment, she was exhausted to the bones. Carmen saw an opportunity for her and she talked the motel manager into getting her a part time job at the bar, and for a much needed extra cash. All she had on her was a couple of credit cards and she was careful about spending her money.

The downside of this seemingly perfect arrangement was the wear and tear on Carmen, she was without her medication, and the smoke and alcohol at the bar caused her to get queasy and very ill, and every night, Carmen went to sleep feeling the effects of it.

She knew that this was harmful to her illness, and she knew that it was almost like courting a certain death. But at the moment, she didn't care, and she couldn't deal, and didn't want to deal.

She hadn't touched her cell since she got here, and couldn't bare to touch it. And right now, she felt like crying again. There were so many missed calls since the last she checked. Carmen decided that maybe she should check on what Shane had to say, Shane had left her the most messages, like Carmen knew she would. She would be upset, and Carmen knew what she was mostly going to say. But she wanted to hear her voice, just to get by the lonely nights.

Tentatively, Carmen pushed the buttons to recall her messages.

 _"You have 16 new messages. New message._

Carmen… Please come back… I'm sorry, I'm really sorry… where are you? Please just let me know where you're. I love you… Please remember that… I love you."

Carmen smiled, bitterly. Shane sounded so upset that Carmen felt guilty about leaving everything behind. But she needed this time away from everyone… from all the bullshit, from all the heartache, all the stress, all the guilt.

 _"New Message_

Carmencita, dónde estás? regresa a casa, podemos arreglar las cosas."

Her mother's call broke her heart even further. Carmen sighed as she listened to the next message, no point dwelling on it now.

 _"New Message_

Carmen… hey… it's me, Alice's birthday is coming up and she wants you to be there, let me know where're and I'll come bring you to the party okay? I love you very much.

New Message

Carmen… It's Shane. I just wanna know how're you. Are you eating well? Is the place you are staying in comfortable? Please… just let me know how you are. I… I just want to know how you are… I can't sleep, I can't eat… I can't help but worry, I love you. You know that right? Carmen, I love you… and I miss you so much."

Carmen took comfort in the fact that Shane really loved her. Truly loved her. She had never been as sure of Shane's love as she was now. But still, she didn't want to face Shane, knowing Shane loved her wouldn't change the problems surrounding them. And Shane's love only led to leaving her, out of love. Carmen shook her head sadly as she listened to the next few messages.

 _"New Message_

Carmen… I have looked all over for you… Where are you? Alice, Dana, Bette they are all worried about you. I love you, please come home.

New Message

Carmen… where are you? It's has been a week, please come back, I'm dying here without you. I love you. Call me okay."

A week? Was it only a week? It seemed much longer, not hearing the chatter and bustling noises of her family, not hearing Shane's soothing voice when she laid down. Yes, it did feel so much longer, yet… it felt like such a short time…Her problems were all still there. She was still sick, she still needed a transplant to recover, Anna was still upset about Shane, and Shane was still willing to step away in the name of love. Those were her problems, and they were still there.

 _"New Message_

Carmencita, Anna's back, and she and the family are very worried about you. Please come home okay."

Anna's back? Anna? Her precious little sister? Anna who had practically severed all ties with Carmen had came back and was worried about her? What wrong's with this scenario…?

 _"New Message_

You're right Carmen, you're right. Life is too short to live without you… I would rather die then live without you. I love you… Please come back to me."

Carmen took in a sharp breath, Shane sounded like she had given up. A desperate cry for help, Carmen felt her heart skip a beat. Something bad was going to happen… she could feel it in her bones…

 _"New Message._

Carmen! Oh god… where are you… Shane… she was so depressed, she was drinking so heavily, oh god oh god… she walked right into a truck… She's badly hurt now. Where are you? Call me asap!"

Oh god!


	34. Relief

Carmen threw her clothes frantically across the room towards her bag sitting on her bed. She ran around gathering her belongings, the phone all the while wedged between her ear and her shoulder. She had no reason to doubt that the last call Alice made wasn't true, and right now, she was desperately trying to get hold of her friend. At last, the phone call got through and in Carmen's state of panic, didn't realize that voice did not belong to Alice.

"Alice, oh god, what happened? How is she…!"

"Peach." The voice hummed softly and in that instant, Carmen registered that there was only one person in the world who would call her that.

"Shane? Are you okay? Are you badly hurt?" Carmen was still trying to stuff all her clothes into her bag, although she was relieved to hear Shane speak…. Shane? Speak?

"I'm fine… I needed to talk to you…" Shane said quietly, guiltily. Carmen finally realized that she was duped, she stopped her frantic movements and settled heavily onto the bed.

"You are not hurt, are you? You tricked me?"

"Carmen, don't hang up. I needed to talk to you so badly. Alice came up with this plan… I… I was desperate. Please… don't hang up."

The relieved Latina looked down and focused on a spot on the carpet, more than anything, she was glad that Shane was not hurt after all, and she was also glad that she could speak to her love.

"I wasn't going to." This was the go-ahead to let the conversation continue. But suddenly, Shane was at a lost for words. Now that she was actually talking to her love, she didn't know what to say first. Should she beg for Carmen to come back? Or should she ask how she had been? Shane couldn't decide, and instead she allowed the silence to take over the phone call. In the end, Carmen broke the ice first.

"Shane?"

"Erm… yah yah…"

"So… how have you been?" Carmen knew it was a stupid question. Shane should be nothing less than a sobbing mess now, and she said so.

"Me? Well… Alice and Jenny had been calling me a train wreck for a couple of days now…" Her voice laced with bitter cynicism, it dropped a notch as she continued, "I missed you so much, I only hope that you missed me as much as I miss you."

"I do… I miss you."

"Then come home. Please… come home. Tell me where you are and I'll come and get you."

"Baby, please give me time… I need time…"

Any hope that Shane was cultivating deflated immediately. Carmen was stubborn, stubborn like a mule. Shane knew that there was no way she could change her love's mind.

"Okay… At least tell me how you have been? Then I can tell the others, and Merc…"

"Shane… I'll tell you where I am, but only if you don't tell my momma." Carmen stated, she knew her family too well. Shane would respect her decision, but her family would drag her by the hair home if they had to. "And that you cannot come and get me."

She heard a loud heave of a sigh and knew she just broke Shane's heart all over again.

"Baby, I know I'm selfish. But I need this so much. I need to feel valid again. I need to have this time alone." Carmen rubbed her hands nervously on her lap as she continued, "I know how you feel now. It broke my heart when I got Alice's message. The thought of you hurt, and in pain, I was frantic. And I realized that you must have been as frantic and as desperate as I felt a couple of moments ago. I don't ever wanna put you through that ever again. So I wanna tell you where I am." Carmen allowed her voice to trail off, allowing Shane to take in what she had said, and she waited, waited for an answer from Shane. After a long pause, the woman on the other end finally said.

"You are not selfish. And I understand. I completely understand. I promise I'll give you your space. Just like before, I'll wait for you no matter how long it takes."

With a little relieved chuckle, Carmen sighed, "I'm at a motel called the Sea Breeze, it's a nice and quiet place, by the beach at the Pacific Palisades, I could go to the beach every morning to clear my thoughts. It's a really beautiful place… I could think of all the beautiful times we had together, when none of the bullshit had happened. I love it here."

Shane kept silent, listening to Carmen, really listening to what she had to say. Carmen sounded calm and happy, at peace almost. Shane knew that this trip was serving Carmen well. "Sounds like heaven, I wish I could see it."

"I wish you could see it too… We will come back someday. Together… when all our problems are solved."

"Yes…" That was all Shane could say, without breaking down into a fresh bolts of tears.

"I love you… I will be back soon. Will you wait for me?" Carmen asked, in a whisper.

"I'll be here. When you are ready to come back, I will be here."

"I… have to go now."

"Yes…" Shane said again. Not wanting the conversation to end, wanting to prolong the phone call, wanting to hear her love's voice for just a while longer. But reluctantly, she agreed to let Carmen go. "You will call me again? Tomorrow?" Shane asked apprehensively.

"I will, love."

As Shane ended her call, she placed the phone gingerly onto the coffee table before resting her head heavily onto her lap, fighting those tears that had threatened to fall since she heard Carmen's voice. Alice, Dana and Jenny, who had left the room to give Shane her privacy came back in as they heard the goodbye. They stood around, unsure of what to do. Finally Jenny walked over to Shane and sat onto the arm rest of the armchair Shane was on and hugged her close. The dejected woman, comforted in the embrace, leaned into her friend and rested her head.

"Everything will be okay, everything will be okay…"

Alice, who usually had something to say, was lost for words. Her plan worked, and her one goal of causing panic in Carmen worked. She wanted Carmen to feel everything that Shane had felt for so long. But now, seeing how Shane was, she wasn't sure that her plan was such a good idea after all. She rested on the hedge of the door, at a lost; it was only when Dana took her hand in hers and reassured her silently that she smiled weakly. For all Dana's shortcomings, Alice knew she could always count on her on-off girlfriend for support. Both of them were glad that they didn't have to go through what Shane and Carmen had to.

Dana finally started to appreciate what she had with Alice. Why did she have to put both her and Alice through that horrible phase, she would never understand. But what she had now, she believed that she would treasure for life. Slowly she drew Alice into her arms, and they embraced, starting a new chapter in life.

"Shane… you need sleep." Jenny cooed slowly. Shane nodded her head in Jenny's lap as the shorter woman ran her hands soothingly on Shane's hair down her back. Jenny allowed Shane to rest in her lap for a while longer, not wanting to break the peaceful spell all around the room. She looked over at Alice and Dana and found them to be in a loving embrace, probably their first moment of truce in a long time. And Shane, she seemed peaceful, and finally allowing herself a moment.

That night, as Jenny laid in her bed, reading, she heard the door to Shane's room click open, the deliberate footsteps across the hallway made it's way towards the kitchen. The fridge sucked open, and she heard a couple of bottles and other stuff being thrown into a bag. And then the floorboard creaked towards the front door, Jenny smiled, listening as the front door clicked open, the engine of the Jeep revved up, and down the street it went. Jenny's smile widen, knowing that Shane had gone to get her woman. She set her book onto the nightstand and switched off her night light, settling for the night.


	35. You

The steering wheel rotated lightly under tightly clutched hands. Every so often, the fingers lifted from the rounded harmonious shape and danced nervously in the air before returning to its place pressed on the leather. The anxiousness was fairly unwarranted, considering that the jeep was not in drive mode. Instead, it was parked at the mouth of a driveway, leading up to a motel called the Sea Breeze.

Shane looked up at the brightly lit neon sign, 'Vacancy Available' flashing under the fancy Vegas-like name, it's sole purpose was to attract overnight travelers that exited the freeway just a quarter of a mile before. It was not difficult to spot this nice place, and Shane found it almost immediately after driving for 20mins, speeding, the moment she turned of the I10. And that was an hour ago. She had sat in her jeep for the better part of the hour debating on whether she should go ahead and see Carmen, or turn back and head home.

It was so ironic that Shane looked all over LA for her love, taking days and days, but once she knew where Carmen was, it took only 30mins to get to her. But, Carmen specifically said she didn't want to be disturbed, Shane brooded, unable to come to a decision. She looked up at the neon sign again, and saw a sign that she missed before. A neon lit hand, with one finger pointing towards the direction of the motel, seemed like a message that the heavenly beings were sending her. It's ridiculous of course, every motel would have a sign similar to this one, but Shane was desperate for signs to support her decision to come. Fatigue took over her head space and she figured that she would get a room in the motel and decide what she was to do in the morning.

Carefully, she pulled her jeep into drive and headed two streets down, parking the vehicle away from plain sight. This was just in case Carmen comes out and saw her jeep, and then before Shane could get to her, ran away again. Shane couldn't risk Carmen disappearing without a word again, and she knew that this time, because of the betrayal of trust, Carmen would not tell her where she was again.

She walked slowly towards the motel, it was just passed midnight, but the streets were cool and quiet, safe and not intimidating, and she mused, Carmen was right, this was the closest semblance to paradise. As she strutted up towards the lobby of the motel, she noticed a little bar by the sight, from the bad vocals and loud laughter booming from it, and Shane figured it was an open-air karaoke bar. She didn't think much of it as she entered through the glass doors of the motel lobby.

"Hey, I would like a room." She asked nicely.

"Sure, can I have an ID please? Fill out this form here and payment is upfront per day." The Latino man chirped. As Shane filled out her particulars, the man started making small talk with her. "You are here for long?"

"Er… I am not sure yet." She didn't want to have to explain the entire situation to this complete stranger, but was polite enough to force a small smile as she handed him her ID and credit card.

"Okay. Well, if you're not get'in up early to hit the road, maybe you wanna check out our nice bar," The guy said, pointing to the bar Shane was looking at earlier, "We just recently hired a new disc jockey, and she is very pretty, if ya'know what I'm say'in." The guy winked, so obviously hinting to Shane that he knew she was playing on the same field as he was. Shane shook her head politely, not very pleased that the guy assumed that she was looking for some action. But as she turned back to the form, it suddenly strike her that he might be talking about Carmen. She looked up from the sheet of paper back to the man and asked, "Is she Latina? What's her name?" The guy winked again, obviously pleased that he caught the attention of this new potential customer for the bar. "Yes… Latina, very beautiful. I would go after her myself, but she obviously plays for your team. Carmen is her name"

Carmen.

"Okay thanks…" Shane said, her smile wide and genuine for the first time since she walked into the place. The guy handed her the keys and gave her the thumbs up, no articulation needed for his good luck. What he didn't realize was that Shane needed that heads up more than he knew.

As she walked out of the door she came in, she looked over at the bar again. Her overwhelming need to see Carmen guided her feet towards the bar. She missed her, and had to see her, and knowing exactly where she was, she had to go and take a look for herself.

The open concept of the bar, with the center without a top, the dimly lit atmosphere to accommodate the karaoke screen, and the many booths that served as breakfast and lunch areas served as the perfect cover for Shane. She slipped into one of the most obscure booths quietly, before peeking around to look for her love. The DJ console was not on the podium like the other standard bars, instead, it was hidden away at a corner, allowing for the big projector screen to take center stage. There was a standing TV in front of the singer, currently belting out a Madonna song, outrageously off key and the round tables in front of the stage with people looking intently, with joy. As soon as the Madonna wannabe ended her song, loud cheers and wolf-whistles sounded.

And then, the most precious person in the world, the most beautiful woman in the world, the one that Shane had came to see, took center stage.

Carmen walked onto the stage, dressed in a simple tee bearing the logo of the bar, jeans and sneakers, with her head covered in a backside front baseball cap. She took the microphone from the hand of Madonna and turned towards the crowd, flashing her beautiful wide smile. "Thank you Janice for that wonderful rendition of Like a Virgin. Next up…" Carmen ran a finger along her cap and lifted it a little as she looked down at the scraps of paper in her hand, "Joe, who requested for Blue Bayou." She looked up and grinned at Joe who was making his way onto the stage, a huge Cuban cigar on hand. When Joe reached Carmen, he accidentally blew smoke towards Carmen, and Shane saw Carmen grimaced uncomfortably. She gripped the table, willing herself not to get up and shove the guy. Why had Carmen have to end up in the only bar in all of California that had indoor smoking, Shane was pissed because the smoke cannot be good for Carmen's health. She shook her head, looking down for a brief moment, before bringing her attention back at her love.

Joe had by now took the microphone from Carmen, and Carmen was making a move to exit the stage, but Joe grabbed the Latina, a little too forcefully for Shane's liking, but nothing really offensive, so Shane let it go. "Hold it missy, I think everyone is sick of me croaking Blue Bayou…" That drew laughter from everyone on the floor, "Whadayasay, we let the pretty little KJ here serenade us?" The floor roared with applauses and agreement, and Carmen looked petrified, "No no, Joe… I can't sing," Carmen pleaded nervously.

"Nonsense, pretty ladies sings good." Joe leaded in another round of applauses, and Carmen looked at the crowd, defeated. Before the applauses escalated into a synchronized chant, she lifted her hands up to stop the crowd. Shane fully expected Carmen to decline again, but shockingly, she heard the words, "Okay okay… How 'bout we let Joe sing about the Blue Bayou while I choose a song to sing, and after he finish, it will be my turn okay?" That drew a satisfied applause from the crowd as Carmen escaped the stage. Soon after she returned to her station, Blue Bayou came on and old Joe started belting out.

Shane was stunned into silence. All the time that they were together, Carmen had never sang, the closest she got was humming along her mixes as she were making them. Shane could safely say that she knew Carmen well, having been together for so long, but there were still aspects of her love that she hadn't seen, and that realization made Shane even more determined to spend the rest of her life finding out. But at the moment, she had to wait impatiently for old Joe to finish his pretty decent version of the Roy Orbison song.

Joe finished his song, to rousing applauses, and started towards the DJ station to pull Carmen up onto the stage. He didn't realize that there was a limit to the microphone cord and ended up nearly pulling the standing TV off its hatch, drawing immense laughter from his crowd. Carmen jumped onto the stage to save the TV and drew the embarrassed man into a hug, reassuring him with her warm and sunny personality. She took the mic, and immediately Shane sat straighter, waiting…

"Erm… Okay… So I guess I will have to sing now huh?" She asked the crowd, and was answered with a huge agreement. "Okay…" she made a face with lifted brows, a fake frightened look she reserved for her crowds during her dj-ing stint, except that this time, it wasn't that fake, Shane noted. "I am going to sing a song, that resembles my life now, see, I left someone at home, I love her so dearly, and she is still waiting for me…" Carmen shook her head sadly, her emotions threatening to overcome her. "So, this is for my baby. Even though she cannot be here today." Her honest dedication elicited aws and ohs from the audience as they settled in to listen to the resident KJ. Carmen walked over her station to hit the play button, and on the screen, the title card read "You – Switchfoot"

The rowdy crowd immediately quieten down even more as soon as the guitar intro came on.

 _There's always something  
In the way  
There's always something  
Getting through  
But it's not me  
it's You_

If Shane wasn't move to tears by Carmen's honest admission, she was by the choice of the song. Her love, her Carmen had told a crowd of strangers about her, the one waiting back home. Except that she wasn't back home, she was here, with Carmen, listening to all the love poured into the lyrics.

 _Sometime's ignorance  
Rings true  
But hope is not in  
What I know  
Not in me  
It's in You_

 _It's all I know_

Shane love the soulful rocker singing voice that she didn't know Carmen possessed, with the meaningful lyrics, and the deep emotions, Carmen did more then just do justice to the song, she made it even better then the original. Carmen stared into a spot beyond, and it almost felt like Carmen was singing to her alone; In a way, that was true, Carmen was singing for her alone, and Shane knew it.

 _And I find peace  
When I'm confused  
I find hope when  
I'm let down  
Not in me  
But in You_

All she wanted to do was run up and hug her girlfriend, hug all her fears and worries away, but she had tried that before, and it didn't help, Carmen looked so happy here, her smile was broader, and her interactions with the crowd were almost family like. Shane loved the Carmen on the stage now, singing this beautiful song, dedicated to her. She loved the Carmen who had found some sort of peace here by the beach. But sadly, she wasn't part of this peace.

 _I hope to lose myself  
For good  
I hope to find it in the end  
Not in me  
In You  
It's all I know_

Shane stared at Carmen, so lovingly lost in the beautiful voice and melody that she almost blew her cover when Carmen suddenly turned to look her way as she sang the last two lines. Carmen wore a frown, and the frown turned into an almost hopeful apprehension, as if she could sense Shane's presence in the booth. Shane quickly ducked inside the booth, but couldn't resist a peek out from the corner, Carmen was still looking her way, but she had a feeling that Carmen couldn't see anything because Carmen was squirming her eyes. Probably tired of trying, Carmen turned back to the crowd, who were giving her an appreciative ovation and grinned widely. Bowing slightly to her adoring audiences before pulling out her scrap of paper from her back pocket.

"Okay guys, I'm glad you enjoyed that." Her smile widen, even though her eyes glisten with unshed tears as the rowdy wolf-whistles and screams cheered on for her. "Okay okay, you are making me blush," drawing a round of laughter, "Next up is… Terence with Hotel California." Carmen said, handing the mic to Terence, as soon as Terence was settled in, she exited the stage hastily, and Shane took her cue to exit the bar. She made it away in the nick of time, as she saw Carmen approached the booth that she was at moments earlier. Carmen frowned and looked around, trying to spot someone out of the ordinary, but Shane was already out of the door, peeking in one of the small windows. Carmen shook her head in confusion, pausing to take another moment to collect herself, one hand on her hips as the other hand came up to wipe the tears away. After all that, she returned to her station, shoulders slumped in a dejected stance.

Shane sat on the bed of her room, just like Carmen described, it was nice and clean, even smelt fresh. She was trying to decide what she would say to Carmen, would a simple "Hi, just came to see how you are," do? Shane shook her head sadly, no way was she going to get out of this one nicely, she only hoped that Carmen was so glad to see her that she would forget that Shane broke her promise. It was nearing the closing time of the bar, and Carmen would be heading this way to the motel soon.

She didn't know which room Carmen was in, and was glad that her room was situated nearer to the bar, knowing that Carmen would probably have to walk by her room to get to her own. She prepared herself for the impending meeting with her love, but as the seconds ticked by, her confidence was giving way to nerves. From beyond her curtains, she could see the light go out from the bar, and knew that Carmen would appear anytime soon. And tentatively, she walked to the door. Before she could open it though, she heard Carmen's voice from outside and her nerves took over, cowardly keeping the door close.

"I'm fine, Donna, just a little tired."

"You're sure? Seems like you're not feel'in good." The voice that Shane assumed belong to Donna said.

"Yeah… I haven't done this for a long time I guess. Don't worry." Carmen said, her voice breathy and light, signs of exhaustion.

"Okay… You know, that thing about your girlfriend?" A pause. Shane could feel the two women just outside her door, she could easily open it and come face to face with Carmen, but she wanted to hear the conversation, not caring if it was improper. "It'll work out, don'cha worry."

Carmen didn't answer for a long time, and Shane rested her head softly on the door, relishing in the close proximity with her girlfriend. Her eyes flew open as soon as she heard Carmen speak, "I… I have some issues that I gotta sort out myself. And once I do, I will return to her side."

"Well… I think nothing is a problem as long as you're with your loved one."

"I wish that's true… I really wish that's true." Carmen sighed. They took another couple of steps, standing right by Shane's window and Shane took pains to hide out of the light. "I'm here, good night Donna. And tell Micky to stop trying." They both laughed softly, before Donna answered. "Ya'know, my dear brother, he's too bored behind the counter of the motel. And it's been a long time since we have such a pretty face…" Shane could hear the voice trail off, and knew that Donna had slowly walked away. She heard the beep from the door and heard Carmen walked into it, closing it slowly behind.

'Fate is good sometimes,' Shane thought. Fate allowed her to hear that conversation Carmen and Donna had, and Shane was so filled with love from what she heard. And fate, brought Shane the luck of getting the room right beside Carmen's.

That night, Shane slept well, for the first time in a week, knowing that Carmen was sleeping on the bed, right next to hers. Though there was a wall between them, but she swore that there will never be a wall between their love ever again.

* * *

 _Credits_

 _Like A Virgin - Madonna_  
 _Blue Bayou - Roy Orbison_  
 _Hotel California - The Eagles_  
 _You - Switchfoot (A Walk To Remember OST)_


	36. Is it the end?

Shane walked out of the shower room, a towel hanging loosely on her hips and another in her hand rubbing vigorously at her hair. She glanced over at the radio clock, 9:00 it read in digital font. That gives her a good ten minutes to get ready and get to the beach. Carmen would have been there by now. She had never imagine herself to be a morning person. Carmen was never a morning person too. But she must really loved the beach to go and take a walk early every morning..

Shane threw on a white long sleeved cotton shirt and a pair of jeans. She crossed from the closet space to the writing desk and picked up the dark glasses and huge beanie. After placing the beanie on, she looked at herself in the mirror, satisfied that she was not recognizable. She picked up her keys and her wallet and strolled confidently to the door. The minute she opened the door. She gasped.

Carmen stood right outside the door, hands hung tensely on her hips, eyes, in a form of a frown, stared angrily at Shane.

* * *

To see Shane here. To confirm with her own eyes what she had suspected for a week now. It felt strange, it felt good, it felt like shit. Shane had so evidently broken her promise to stay away, to give her her space. And Shane had been stalking her, following her around, making her feel like she was paranoid. But Shane, who loved her so much that she couldn't stay away, who cared for her so much that she had to be here. Shane. She didn't know how much she had missed her girlfriend until this moment, when she laid her eyes on her. But this wasn't the time to make nice. Carmen was angry. Carmen was very angry, she was fuming in fact, fuming because the one person that she trusted the most, was the very person that betrayed her trust.

Carmen had rehearsed this speech, this confrontation the entire morning, and the words came flowing out, "How long have you been here?"

She saw the guilty look on Shane's face. Saw how she shifted her feet around uncomfortably. Carmen knew Shane loved her, and that was why she was here. She knew exactly what Shane would say, what she would do. But she wanted to hear it from Shane. Surprisingly, Shane didn't offer any explanation, instead, she tried to grab Carmen and pull her into the room.

Carmen jerked her arm away from Shane's touch, hugging herself defensively across her chest. She saw the crestfallen look on Shane, but as soon as it appeared, it was replaced by another look, a new determination.  
"Carmen, please. Come in… Let me explain."

Her arms wound tighter around her, unsure of whether to stay where she was or to go into the room. She didn't want to make a scene, and this was Shane, her girlfriend, not some random stranger she should be afraid of. Why would she be hesitating knowing that Shane would never hurt her physically. She decided she was being ridiculous and stormed into the room, settling at the edge of the writing desk, arms still firmly crossed in front of her chest.

As Shane closed the doors, Carmen continued staring at her back, trying to make meaning to all this.

'At least she didn't walk away, that has to be a good thing.' Shane thought.

"So. When did you arrive."

"A week."

"A week? You have been following me around for a week?"

"….yeah."

"I can't believe you, Shane! You betrayed my trust. Damnit… I called you everyday. And you told me you were at work… at home… you even told me bout Al's birthday party." Carmen was devastated.

"Carm… I…"

"You lied! You lied Shane. You told me you were not a liar. But you lied to me."

"Please… let me explain…"

"Explain? So that you can lie again!"

"Goddamnit. I missed you Carm." Shane shouted out, unable to keep it in anymore. All the frustration, all the emotions, she had to express it to Carmen. "I missed you so much, but you don't want me here. You rather be here on your own…" Shane paused, knowing that she was treading on dangerous ground. "How do you think it made me feel. I had to see you. But you don't want to see me."

"You left me, you fucking left!" Carmen's voice matched Shane's. "You left, and now you're saying I should come running back just because you said so?"

"That's not what I'm saying!" Shane raised her hands in exasperation. "I… Fuck!" She was fuming, but she was mainly angry at herself. She knew she was in the wrong here. But why couldn't Carmen see that it was all out of good intentions, and love.

"Then what is it?"

"I thought I was doing the right thing by leaving. I thought that if I was out of the picture, Anna would return, and you would be able to fight the… the cancer. I don't want to be your burden."

"Then why are you here?" Carmen asked, barely a whisper.

"Because I fucked up!" Shane let out a high pitched shout, with tears choked within. "Because I made a mistake, because I missed you so much. Because you didn't want to see me, I would stay out of your way. But I had to see you."

* * *

Carmen stared at the woman in front of her. The love of her life, her Shane. Her Shane who was walking in circles, frustrated and fuming, agitated and exasperated. Carmen stared at the woman hard, "You had betrayed my trust."

"I know I did. I know I fucked up again. I'm not proud of it. But I know I had to see you, I had to see how you are doing, had to see if you were well. I don't know what else to do. You're all alone here. I just cannot let you be here alone."

"I'm an adult, not a child. I am not some sick fuck that needs your pity."

"Fuck! It's not pity, don't you fucking understand. It's not pity, it has never been pity. It is love. Love, Carmen. Fuck… it's love."

"And it is also trust. You have broken that trust." Carmen shook her head.

"Carm… I know I did. I…"

"You followed me around everyday, knowing that I asked you to give me some space."

Shane couldn't stand the situation anymore. She was broken. A broken woman who was at a lost of what to do.

"You think you know what is best for me. You don't. I know what is best for me."

"Fuck. I give up. I give up. You can do whatever you want to do." Shane said, her voice colder, harder then it had ever been.

A long pause followed. Not one woman knew what else to say. Both knew that anything they said right now would be the point of no return, that they would regret everything they say after this point.

Carmen turned her face away from Shane, unable to look at her love without bursting out into tears.

"What are you trying to say? Just say it Shane."

"I don't fucking know! All I know is I have fucked up by leaving you, and now I fucked up by being at your side. What the fuck do you want me to fucking do." Shane ran her hand through her hair, but her beanie was in the way, she yanked it off her head and flung it across the room, using that poor innocent beanie as a tool to express her anger.

"I wanted you to trust me. I wanted to trust you." Carmen said, softly this time, full of remorse.

Shane heard the finality in Carmen's voice, and she started to panic. She didn't want Carmen to lose faith in her, she didn't want to lose her love.

"Carmen…" Shane plead as she crossed the room to stand in front of the slumped Latina, "Carmen… please… I don't know what else to do… please don't… I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

Carmen's head was turned away from her sight, and Shane moved her face in front of Carmen to look into her eyes, to try to get her attention. "Peach… I love you, and I missed you… From that moment I left the house… I was so broken. I felt like I was going to die… I… I wanted to do the right thing, but it wasn't the right thing. It was killing me, and I know it was killing you too."

The tears flowed from her eyes, and she wiped her tears off roughly; she could see that Carmen too was tearing, and she tried to wipe Carmen's tears away, but Carmen turned her head away sharply, not agreeing to contact just yet. Shane shifted her head to the front of Carmen's again and continued her confession. "When I heard you left, I… I just didn't know what else to do. I looked around the entire LA for you. I called you every other minute. I was desperate."

"Peach, when I know where you were, I just had to see you… I... I wasn't thinking straight. I know I was wrong. Please… please don't be mad at me." Shane shoved her hands across her face again, the tears blurring her ability to look at Carmen. She saw Carmen's face soften up slightly, and she thought that she might still have a chance. But when Carmen looked up, Shane was devastated, she knew that look. The look of determination. The self-righteous and harden look.

"You blew it. You blew it… You fucking blew it Shane." Carmen said calmly. Without uncrossing her arms, she shove herself pass Shane and walked towards the door.

Shane couldn't let Carmen walk away. She couldn't just let Carmen disappear again, and she knew, this time Carmen would walk off for good. She couldn't bear that.

Before Carmen reached out for the door knob, Shane crossed the room and yanked Carmen roughly towards her, wrapping her love into her arms, "I'm not letting you get away again. I'm not letting you go…" Shane chanted, holding Carmen tightly from the back. Her arms tighten across Carmen's chest, so tight that it was tensed with veins popping out. Her legs were shaking, and if she wasn't holding Carmen, they would have given way.

Carmen soften into Shane's embrace, she missed it so much, and she missed her. She was so determined to walk out and not look back. But her resolve was reduced to bits when Shane placed her powerful arms around her, making her feel so secure. She remembered that all the time she spent here, away from Shane, she thought about her constantly, thought about this moment, where they would fall into each other's arms again. Carmen let out a small sigh.

Maybe it would take awhile to forgive Shane, maybe she would never be able to trust Shane again, maybe Shane would forever treat her like an invalid. But the one thing she was sure of, she knew that if she walked away now, it would be the biggest mistake of her life.

Carmen pushed against Shane's arms, and instinctively, Shane held on harder, afraid that Carmen was going to walk away. Carmen surprised Shane by turning in her arms instead, her head squared in her girlfriend's chest, her arms snaking around Shane's waist. And for the first time that day, her tears were those of joy.


	37. Fairytale

Long after the last tremors of tears subsided, Carmen pulled on Shane's cotton shirt and wiped her eyes and nose with it. She sniffled a little more before pulling away slightly.

Reluctantly, knowing that Carmen would not walk away, Shane let go of her death grip and allowed Carmen to shift in her embrace. Carmen looked up into the musky green eyes, redden with tears and asked, "What now?"

Shane pretended to ponder the question, and finally said the cleverest thing that came to her mind, "Now we kiss and make out—Up! Make up." She could have shot herself for that obvious slip of tongue, which she was so sure Carmen would take it the wrong way.

"Fresh, McCutheon." Carmen grinned, "Don't think you're forgiven that easy. Because you are not. I'm still pissed at you."

Shane's only answer was to lean in again and draw Carmen back into her embrace. Holding on to what she hoped was eternity. She laid her head onto the side of Carmen's baseball cap, and sighed.

Carmen sighed too. What's done cannot be undone. She had chosen to stay in her lovers arms, and by staying in this strong pair of arms, she had decided that come thick or thin, good or bad, she was never letting go again. She smiled securely into Shane's shirt. Maybe there will be a happily ever after… Her thoughts were cut short when she heard her girlfriend say, "Carm?"

"Yes?" She replied dreamily, still caught up in her happily ever after.

"I really want to kiss you."

Yes, definitely a fairytale came true. She giggled and turned her head shyly back into Shane's shirt, pausing a moment to take in the soapy scent of her girlfriend before lifting her head up for a kiss.

Shane on the other hand, unabashedly lowered her head down for that kiss, claiming the lips that eluded her for so many weeks now. She groaned at the softness of the full lips, groaned as she savored the tenderness of her lover's tongue running along the opening of her own lips. This was a bashful kiss, a passionate kiss, a longing one, a comfortable one. She took her love's bottom lip and pulled it between her own, and as she let go, Carmen rushed in to tug at her top lip, the same way she did moments ago.

Carmen's hands, which were firmly latched at Shane's back, broke away, and Shane groaned at the lost of contact, only to gasp as she felt them snake to her front and rested on her chest between her breasts. Her lips continued her sweet ravishing as her other hand reached down to grasp Shane's bringing it up to rest on her own chest.

With Shane still holding her with one hand, Carmen slowly ran her fingers across Shane's chest and her palm came to rest on one of Shane's peaks, what Carmen was doing to her front made it difficult for Shane to concentrate on just Carmen's lips. It was even more of a daunting task when Carmen's hand, which held Shane's to her own chest guided it to one of the full breasts. Shane groaned, and heard Carmen do the same. She knew that Carmen had been yearning this as much as she did.

Carmen groaned again, she slowly kneaded Shane's peak, the tip harden and standing at attention, and felt her lover's hand move underneath hers in a similar fashion.

"Carm… I wanna love you." Shane asked, as she tear her lips away from her love's, she walked Carmen slowly towards the bed, slowly, excruciatingly slow. She had waited for this moment for a long time, and was so afraid that it was a dream, that Carmen would disappear in a flash.

Just as Carmen's calf hit the side of the bed, Carmen said softly, shyly, "Yes." And she laid down on the bed, pulling Shane along with her.

From that moment, Shane knew exactly what to do, she laid herself on top of Carmen, continuing to ravish her love's lips as her hands took on a life of their own, slowly, sensually feeling every part of Carmen's body. She took off Carmen's baseball cap, placing kisses all around her stubbled scalp, her forehead, her temple, and all around her face. Her hands journeyed down to her lover's waist, lifting the baby tee off the taut bronzed torso. The full luscious peaks popped out from the constraints as she pushed the bra upwards, and Shane gasped. The breasts, with their taut nipples, looked so creamy, just like caramel ice-cream with a cherry on top, it made Shane just wanna lick it, lick all the cream. She kissed her way down to Carmen's chest, and her breasts taste just like they looked, creamy, sweet, and oh so good.

Shane groaned as she took one peak into her mouth, lavishing it with all the love she had. Her hands found it's way down into Carmen's pants, undoing the buttons on the buttonfly, and then snaking her hand under the simple panties, tangling her fingers into the triangle of hair. She turned her attention to the other tip, circling her tongue around the areola, her fingers mirroring her tongue as it found the clit.

Carmen lifted her hips, straining to meet Shane's fingers, it had been weeks, months since she had any release, and now she was eager to take all that her girlfriend was giving. Frustrated at how slow Shane was going, Carmen yanked her pants and panties down, and one hand grasps Shane's, demandingly bringing it to where she wanted it. She forced Shane's fingers into her hole, already dripping wet from anticipation, and when Shane started a rhythm on her own, she impatiently undid Shane's own bottoms and shafted her hand into Shane's center.

Shane wanted to tell Carmen to slow down, wanted to take her time to love her, but the feel of Carmen closing onto her fingers urged her to speed things up inside, understanding the frustration Carmen had, feeling the same frustration building inside her as Carmen mirrored the same rhythm that she started. They lovingly picked up pace, needing to reach that bliss and release that had eluded them for so long. Carmen came first, as she called out her lover's name, and Shane, hearing Carmen's release, drove her right over the edge, and she too, called out her release.

As they came down from their high, Shane leaned up to place a kiss on Carmen's lips, but she wanted more, wanted so much more. She jumped of the bed and stripped off her clothes as quickly as she could, and when she returned to the bed, she placed her face in between Carmen's legs, eager to taste what she knew would be the taste of heaven.

* * *

Shane snaked her fingers across the table, intertwining them into Carmen's shorter, stronger ones. She pulled them nearer to her, loving the feel of the digits brushing against her own. She traced the outline of each individual finger, from the tip of the fingernail to the loose skin where two fingers met.

Shane had to show her appreciation to the fingers, the same fingers that gave her much pleasure in the last three hours. She brought them up to her grinning lips, placing a soft peck on each peak before placing the entire hand on her heart. She had to show her appreciation to the lips too, that had been so cooperative, but Carmen was currently talking to the waitress she knew went by the name of Emma. And she could only place a kiss on her girlfriend's cheek.

Carmen had missed her morning walk by the beach, she missed her usual walk though the town shops, she missed having breakfast at the diner/karaoke bar, hell, Shane even caused her to miss lunch. But she didn't mind at all, because she spent the entire time loving Shane, being loved by Shane. She couldn't get enough of her tall lanky girlfriend, and from the way Shane was playing with her fingers, she knew that Shane couldn't get enough of her too.

She turned from her conversation with the waitress and flashed her girlfriend a wide smile, a smile saying how much she enjoyed the morning, and how much she was enjoying the attention now. Shane grinned from ear to ear as she continued to play with the skillful caramel fingers.

"Shane, this is Emma." Carmen called out. Knowing that Shane was lost in her own world when she didn't get an answer, she leaned over and placed a kiss on the unsuspecting girl, and Shane lifted her attention away from the fingers, "wha…?"

"This is Emma." Carmen said again, this time, Shane did look up and saw the elderly woman grinning at her, and gave her a knowing wink, and Shane bashfully smiled back, offering a weak 'Hi'.

"So this is Shane huh?" Emma hummed, her arms rested on her hips. "See her around every morning. Orders a double shot everytime." Emma was about to take their order when something suddenly hit her, "Wait. You both were in here at the same time before, I don't see you talking? Had a fight?"

Shane looked away, feeling her face redden, she still couldn't wipe that stupid grin off her face though. She sneaked a glance at Carmen and saw that her face harden a little. "It's kinda a long story, Emma," Carmen said, her tone signaling her unwillingness to talk about it.

"Alrighty then. I'll leave you two lovebirds alone. As soon as I get the order." Emma stated, understanding their need to be alone, her senses befitting of someone her age. "What can I getcha girls? Doncha tell me just a double shot again." Emma tapped her feet at Shane.

"I'm hungry…" Shane shrugged, winking at Carmen. And it was Carmen's turn to blush, knowing full well what Shane was hinting at. "I'll have the club sandwich."

"I'll just have the earl grey…"

Carmen immediately saw the identical looks Shane and Emma were giving her, but it was Emma who broke the stare first, "Again dearie? Ya'know, I haven't seen you eat." Emma said in her motherly tone. Carmen turned quickly back at Shane and caught her worried expression. Before Shane could say anything, and she was sure she would, she said, "Okay okay, I'll have the Denver omelette." She raised an eyebrow at Shane, daring her to say anything more, letting her know that she was still in the hot seat for not keeping her promise.

As soon as Emma was out of the way, Shane pulled Carmen closer to her and gave her a deep kiss, but Carmen had other things on her mind.

"So, every morning, when I come in here for breakfast, you were here as well?"

"Yeah." Shane admitted, grasping Carmen's tender fingers to her heart, afraid to let go.

"You can let go Shane, I'm not going anywhere." Shane was amazed at how in tune Carmen was to her feelings and her mood changes and actions. She place a string of kisses on the back of Carmen's hand, and Carmen had to laugh at her girlfriend's antics.

* * *

"You hardly ate anything, Peach." Shane complained as her girlfriend pushed her plate of omelette away.

"Don'cha start, McCutheon, I've eaten plenty. It was a big omelette." Carmen said with a wave, she had lost almost all her taste for food, everything felt metallic and foul in her mouth, but she was not prepared to share that with Shane, wanting to hold onto her independence longer.

"Peach, I know I'm still in the hot seat, but you haven't been eating for the past few days."

"Well, you wouldn't have any appetite too, if you feel paranoid and keep feeling someone is following you." Carmen countered, not happy at all that Shane reminded her of the stalking. She was also not feeling good that Shane was starting to baby her again.

"Don't make this about me. You know what I'm talking 'bout." Shane pulled the plate of omelette towards her and proceeded to cut it up into bits. "Look, how 'bout I feed you."

"No Shane. I'm full, and I don't want any more of it."

"I'll give you a kiss after every bite, does that sound good?" Shane grinned at Carmen, hoping that it would ease the tension in Carmen.

Carmen looked at Shane incredulously, her eyes beaming of sadness and of anger. After being here for two weeks, being away from people who knew that she was ill, away from people who treat her differently, Carmen was getting use to her newly found independence. Shane's appearance hadn't deterred her independence, until now, when Shane was starting to baby her again.

"Some things never change."

"What are you talking 'bout?"

"You are still treating me like an invalid."

"What the fuck Carmen?"

"Maybe I should become an invalid, so that you can fulfil your fantasy." With that Carmen scooted out of the booth and scurried out of the diner.

Shane had no idea what she did wrong, but she knew she did something wrong again. She ran after Carmen, out into the open, and matched her pace just a couple of steps behind.

"Carmen, what's the matter with you?"

"What's the matter? You're the matter! You make me feel small, feel useless." Carmen shouted, throwing a glance back at Shane, her feet not stopping.

"Carmen, slow down."

"No!"

"I don't get it… When has caring for you become wrong?"

"Since it started eating away at who I am."

"Come'on Peach. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"It's nothing to you. But it's huge to me." Carmen continued walking, passing both their rooms, down the driveway, and unconsciously started making her way to the beach. It was a little after 1pm, and the overhead sun was scorching. Didn't help that she didn't eat much, but Carmen pressed on.

"When I first came out here. I loved it. I loved how nobody knows I'm sick, nobody gives me special attention. Nobody tries to dictate what I do."

"I don't do that."

"Yes you do… You, my mother, my sister, my family… everyone does that."

"I'll stop… I promise." Shane shouted, trying to keep up with Carmen.

"Right now, your promise don't worth shit!" Carmen immediately regretted her words, knowing that it was a really hurtful thing to say, true enough, the footsteps behind her stopped.

Shane stopped dead in her tracks, upset at what Carmen had said. She couldn't understand why Carmen was making a big deal out of nothing, and her anger got the better of her. "Fine, do whatever the fuck you want." With that, she turned to face the ocean and plonked herself down onto the sand. Forcing herself not to care where Carmen was walking to.

Carmen took a couple more steps and finally stopped. Maybe she really did go too far, what happened to her fairytale come through in the morning? The thick and thin? The good or bad? Carmen decided to savage the situation before it got too much out of hand.

As she turned around, she felt her vision blur out. The scorching sun, the tiredness from work, the excitement of seeing Shane again, the hunger, the sex, the illness all finally caught up with her, and she felt her legs gave way.

She fell slightly backward and as her head came into contact with the sand, it hit a hard stone hidden beneath the deceptively soft surface.

Instantly, she lost consciousness.

Unable to withstand it any longer, Shane had to sneak a peek in Carmen's direction. At first, she couldn't see any walking figure and assumed Carmen walked out of the beach. But Carmen couldn't get to the road that quickly. Then she turned to look at the water, thinking maybe Carmen went for a dip to calm down. Not noticing anything among the waves, she stood up and looked around, her eyes finally came upon a slumped mess on the ground not far from her.

The worst sinking feeling crept into her bones.

She ran as fast as she could towards what would be her worst nightmare, chanting 'oh god' the entire way. "Oh god… Oh god…" She continued to chant, gathering her love into her arms, Carmen's baseball cap had fallen off, and there was a huge pool of blood on the sand.

Shock beyond belief, Shane could only hold her love in her arms.


	38. A Sleeping Beauty

A lifeless form.

A beautiful face, pale and grey, sunken and dry.

There was no evidence of life, save for the shallow up and down breathing motion of the chest, and all the machines indicating that this comatose beauty was still very much alive. Occasionally, the eyeballs under the tightly shut eyelids moved, a glimmer of hope to all that noticed. But never once, not once had it opened, much to the disappointment of the watching eyes. 'It is a reflex action of the body,' the doctor said, unable to explain any further to the grieving family.

Friends and family. They had watched over her, taking turns, coming and going, religiously putting on the sanitary gowns that were provided before entering the sterilized room. They know that she was vulnerable, easily infected, and they took pains to keep themselves as germ free as possible. One by one, they succumbed to life, some going back to school, some going back to work. But one, one person stayed by the side of the sleeping beauty the entire way. One person stayed behind, whether there were other people or not. She only left the room periodically to take quick showers and meals, determined, if misguided, that she would be there for whatever changes that happened, good or bad.

"Mr. and Mrs. Morales. Miss Morales has suffered a blow to her head. On a normal healthy person, it wouldn't be as serious. But because Miss Morales has chronic leukemia, her white blood cells has been rendering her red blood cells and platelets unfit to function. To put it simply, the mutated white blood cells has been eating away at her platelets, causing Miss Morales to continue bleeding. She had already lost a substantial amount of blood.

We have been able to stop the bleeding temporarily, and the blood transfusion has helped stabilized her condition, but I would strongly suggest that she goes through a bone marrow transplant immediately. I understand from Doctor Washey that there is a suitable donor, and that Miss Morales has already signed a consent for the operation. Because the patient is in a coma now, we would need you, Mrs. Morales, to sign the go ahead for the operation on her behalf.

There are certain risks involved, as with all operations, and there is also the chance of a rejection. But I strongly advice the transplant asap, because Miss Morales ' own immune system is weakening and there are huge risks of infection."

Shane stared at the face she adored so much, the once beautiful rosy cheeks were sunken, dark patches outlining the bone structure beneath the grayish skin. She could only stare, she couldn't bring herself to touch. She felt responsible. This lifeless body that was once the sunshine that touches everything around her, was here in the hospital because of her.

Shane felt horrible, guilty. She shouldn't tire Carmen out with sex, shouldn't pissed her off with all the constant mothering, shouldn't throw a tantrum. It was all her fault. It was all her selfishness. Her selfish need to see Carmen, her selfish need to satisfy her need to pamper her girlfriend. She wondered why Carmen couldn't understand everything she did was out of love, but it finally dawned on her that the selfless love she had was in itself an act of selfishness.

She felt like a complete asshole. This would never had happened if she had respected what Carmen wanted. Her decisions were all out of consideration for Carmen, but never were they consideration of what Carmen wanted.

"Staring at her with a scrawl wouldn't help bring her back."

Shane turned around and found Anna staring down at her. So deep in her thoughts that she didn't realize that Carmen's younger sister had walked into the room. "How's she doing?"

"Same."

Anna watched soundlessly over to Carmen's bedside, and leaned forward to place a kiss on the bandaged temple. It was something Shane wanted to do so badly, but couldn't bring herself to. Anna started talking softly, "Hey hermana, estas bien? I'm waiting for you to get up."

Shane cleared her throat uncomfortably, she blamed herself for Carmen's condition, and was sure that Anna blamed her too. Abruptly, she got off her seat and rubbed her palms on her gown. "I… er… Mercedes just stepped out to the cafeteria, I'll er… go get her."

She took a step towards the door, but stopped as she heard Anna call out to her. "Shane." Slowly, she glanced back over her shoulder, dreading what Anna had to say to her.

"You don't have to avoid me. I don't blame you."

"Yeah… well, you should. It is all my fault." Shane said, staying exactly where she was. She turned her head a little more and looked pass Anna at Carmen, saying what she had kept inside for a long time.

"I didn't say it wasn't your fault. But only partly." Anna said, returning her gaze at her sister, running her fingers lovingly along the cheeks. "She didn't get cancer because of you. Everything happens for a reason." She sighed before she continued. "I don't know what the reason is, but there isn't a point of blaming anyone for it."

"You should hate me. I'll feel a lot better if you hate me."

"I'm homophobic Shane, I'm not inhuman. I wish I wasn't so rational, but I am. I don't hate you for the same reasons my sister wouldn't hate you." Anna said, taking one last glance at her sister on the bed before walking towards Shane. "I don't hate you because I know everything you did is out of love."

"It's all my fault. I shouldn't have gone and see her when she told me not to, if I didn't she wouldn't be here." Instead of walking back to her seat beside Carmen's bed, Shane went out of the door and into the waiting room, settling heavily on the couch, fighting the tears that threatened to fall again. She turned her face away as Anna followed her out of the room and plonked herself down beside her.

"If anything, we are grateful that you went and took care of her. She shouldn't be out on her own… And if I was to blame you, I will blame you for not telling us where she was."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because you have to take care of her while I am recuperating from surgery."

"Surgery? What?" Shane looked at Anna, and for the first time, registered that under the sanitary gown, Anna was in another hospital gown, the one you wear when you are going on the operating table. "The transplant?"

"Yeap. We shouldn't drag it on any longer. I want her to be well as soon as possible."

"Thank you."

"Hey, your girlfriend, my sister. It works." Anna shrugged, she patted Shane's lap reassuringly twice before walking back into the room, leaving Shane staring after her.

What did it mean? Was Anna starting to accept her? Shane wished that Carmen was here to see this, that her sister and her girlfriend, sitting on the same couch, chatting. Her faces scrunched up with a fresh start of tears, and she brought her hands up to cover her eyes, as if her hands can stop her tears. She remained in that fetal position for a long time, until Anna came out of the room again.

"Are you still sitting here?" Anna said, shaking her head, "Well, you should go inside and keep her company before the op, it's scheduled for the next hour," when she didn't get a reply, she adopted a slight scolding tone, "I'm gonna to look for momma, you go in there and do what you need to do."

Shane walked into the room, tentatively, taking small unsure steps towards the bed. She had stayed by this bed for 4 days now, but up until now, had never had the courage to speak to her unconscious girlfriend. It's funny how the person that told her to talk to Carmen, to make amends, was the one person that opposed the relationship in the first place.

"Peach? Can you hear me?" Shane whispered, her fingers came up to touch the pronounced cheek, pulling away slightly as if it was freeze burned. With a little more courage, she ran her fingers lovingly on the jawline, tracing all the contours of the face. "Peach, I'm sorry I haven't spoken to you before, I was here the whole time, I was here."

She grasped the cold lifeless hand in her own, carefully avoiding the tubes coming out of her arm, and brought it to her face, the coldness stinging her cheeks a little. "Please wake up Peach, please… Don't punish me like that anymore. I know I was wrong now, and I am sorry."

She fell back into silence as she continued to hold her love's hand on her cheek, her other hand went back to stroking the cold grayed temple. Finally, she broke into a huge smile, "I heard you sing, ya'know, that first night I got to the Sea Breeze. You dedicated it to me, life is funny sometimes, I was there to hear your song to me. You have such a beautiful voice." She ran her fingers over Carmen's lips, as if relishing in the memory of Carmen singing the song. "Wake up Carmen, we'll go back there and you can sing it to me again. Please."

"I think you should have a fair deal, I'll sing you a song now, and you promise me that you will get out of this dream you are in to sing it back to me." Shane leaned in and placed her lips on Carmen's temple, holding it there for a few moments before she went back to looking at Carmen. Half croaking, half just speaking the lyrics, she started her song,

 _I could stay awake just to hear you breathing  
Watch you smile while you are sleeping  
While you're far away dreaming  
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender  
I could stay lost in this moment forever  
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure_

 _Don't want to close my eyes_  
 _I don't want to fall asleep_  
 _Cause Id miss you baby_  
 _And I don't want to miss a thing_  
 _Cause even when I dream of you_  
 _The sweetest dream will never do_  
 _I'd still miss you baby_  
 _And I don't want to miss a thing_

Shane leaned in again and rested her cheek on Carmen's, softly speaking the lyrics. She choked on a couple of instances, her tears falling uncontrollably now.

 _Lying close to you feeling your heart beating  
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming  
Wondering if it's me you're seeing  
Then I kiss your eyes  
And thank God were together  
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever  
Forever and ever_

 _Don't want to close my eyes_  
 _I don't want to fall asleep_  
 _Cause I'd miss you baby_  
 _And I don't want to miss a thing_  
 _Cause even…_

Shane stopped singing completely, for the first time noticing Mercedes, along with a doctor and a nurse looking in through the viewing window from the waiting room. She knew right away that it was time. She signaled to them to give her a little more time, and the doctor nodded his agreement. Turning her attention back to Carmen, she said softly, "Peach, I'll finish the song when you get out okay?"

She smiled down one last time at the sleeping form, "Remember that game we were playing, the eight rose is still sitting at home, still waiting for you to find it, and when you found it, and you found the gift along with it. I will put a ring on your finger, and make you mine. I've got the ring in my pocket now, just waiting, waiting for you to get out. Please get out safe okay? I love you." She placed one last kiss on her girlfriend's temple before she got up and nodded at the trio standing there. They walked into the room and the doctor and nurse started preparing Carmen for the surgery. Mercedes went over to her daughter as well and whispered her own encouragement before they dislodged the bed.

Shane and Mercedes walked behind the doctor whisking the bed towards the operating theatre, but had to stop because they couldn't enter the out of bounds sector. Mercedes led Shane to take a seat on the bench before saying, "Don't you worry Shane, she will be fine, I know she will be fine. She will come out healthy and awake and smiling, I just know it."

"Yeah… she will be just fine."

"Okay, you stay here, I'll go accompany Anna before she goes in, and then I'll come back here, okay?" Mercedes said. Shane nodded and then looked back towards the direction of the operating theatre.

'She will be fine. She will.' She repeated in her heart.

* * *

Credits :-

Aerosmith - Don't wanna miss a thing.


	39. Death and Life

The sun shown down brightly, onto all those on earth. The trees swayed with the wind, accompaniment to the tune that the blue birds sung. The crickets cricked, adding a beat to the song of nature. But this beautiful melody, on this day, was a song of sadness. Of sorrow, of despair. It was haunting, as feet shuffled through the fallen leaves, the sound jarring to the wonderful song that god had offered. It was like a radio station, playing rhythms that would rock your very soul, but the full extent of the music was hindered, by something as frivolous as static.

The feet moved towards a patch on the beautifully manicured grass, silently gliding on the soft blades and the cold hard soil. They gathered round an erected podium on stilts. And on it laid a simple and elegant bed. An eternal bed. What they in mortal terms would call, a coffin.

The Priest, a big round man, with the face serene and calm, looked around to the grieving faces before him, and cleared his throat carefully, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose as he looked down into the sermon he prepared.

 _"To someone without faith, they did appear to die, but that is not the case at all. Someone with faith can say, "they are in peace." They merely appeared to die, their going was like a disaster, their leaving us was like an annihilation. In other words, they did not die, they only appeared to die, their leaving us was not a disaster or annihilation, it only seemed that way. What better place could we go to after death than into the hands of God? What a beautiful way to describe God's care for us. We believe that God has taken Carmen up into his hands._

 _They who trust in him will understand the truth,_  
 _Those who are faithful will live with him in love;_  
 _For grace and mercy await those he has chosen._

 _So we ask God to take Carmen up in his arms, to pour his love, grace and mercy upon her."_

The grieving sobs punctured nature's song further. Some loud and cursing, some soft and sniffling, some, choked the tears and some, just plain hysterical. They were not at all harmonious with nature's song, with God's song, because they had believed that God had took what he should have taken many years down the road.

Shane fell hard to the ground, her friends tried to hold her up, but her legs wouldn't cooperate. She grabbed a fistful of the soil under her, unable to control her anger. Angry, so very angry that God had taken that one true thing that was in her life. 'Why did you take her, and not me' she thought as she looked up in the sky. She questioned God, asking, begging, demanding to know, 'Why did you take a good person away, and leave a fucked up sick fuck like me in the world alone.'

All her life, Shane felt empty, drugs, women, sex, everything, they were everything, and yet they were nothing. They allowed her to numb herself, to shut herself from the outside, so that she wouldn't care what the outside thought about her, or how the fear and disappointment reigned in their eyes.

But Carmen, Carmen changed all that. Carmen was the sunlight during the darkness hour. Carmen was the flame that burned on even after she tried to extinguish all of them. Carmen found her.

And she found Carmen.

Carmen made her see how life was beautiful, how the orange hue of dawn brings hope to her troubled soul, how the purple rays of the setting sun promised a better tomorrow. Shane finally could see the world for what it was worth, and for once, could look at people in the eye and not be afraid to see the look of acceptance and guidance. Carmen had shown her that it was okay to not know the way, to ask when in doubt, to make mistakes, but make them anyway. Carmen had opened her eyes to love, how it was like to love someone, to be loved by that someone, and not be afraid to show love. Carmen had become the family she never had, provided her with the comfort and security that no other human could have given her. She knew her, loved her for who she was, she did not judge, well, she didn't take bullshit either, and she was not afraid to speak her mind. Shane knew that she was safe, because Carmen understood her. And she was forever grateful.

But God decided that Shane should be punished for all her sins, God decided to take away the one thing that meant anything. God didn't want to take her, because God wanted her to suffer. God wanted her to live in pain for the rest of her life. 'Well, screw you God.' Shane thought angrily. Her head shook violently as she looked directly at the sky, and a ray of sun hit her right in her eye, causing her to turn away in reflex. Her tears fell as she looked down the ground.

'Sorry God, you know I don't mean it. Please take care of Carmen wherever she is.'

Did Shane believe in God? Well, she wasn't taken any chances, the Priest said so didn't he? That those who have faith will know that 'the dead appeared dead', but were in fact in the arms of the savior. She turned to look at Carmen's resting place, and realized that Jenny had came forth and was giving the eulogy, everyone deciding that she was in no state to speak.

"…. Was a great friend, a confidante and the spanky energy can never be replaced. I have known Carmen for many years now, and I wrote a poem, for her, to her families and friends, which I believe would be what she would have said if she had woken up.

 _You can shed tears that she is gone_  
 _or you can smile because she has lived._

 _You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back_  
 _or you can open your eyes and see all she's left._

 _Your heart can be empty because you can't see her_  
 _or you can be full of the love you shared._

 _You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday_  
 _or you can be happy for tomorrow because of today._

 _You can remember her and only that she's gone_  
 _or you can cherish her memory and let it live on._

 _You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back_  
 _or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on."_

Shane scooted into a foetus position and rocked back and forth, crying. Still unable to accept the fact that her beloved is gone as she listened to the words Jenny said. Alice kneeled down, drawing her best friend into her arms, trying to shoulder that vacant space that Carmen had left behind. Shane couldn't look when they closed up her coffin, couldn't look when they lifted it off the podium; couldn't look when they lowered the cold wooden box into that hole on the ground. She couldn't look when one by one, every member present threw their rose onto the coffin. When finally, it was only her left, Jenny came up near her ear and whispered, "Shane, say goodbye to Carmen. Say your final goodbye."

"No!" Shane exclaimed, soft but adamant, "No. She's not dead, she cannot be dead. She didn't even say goodbye. She wouldn't leave without saying goodbye." She buried her head in her lap, not willing to look at anyone, it was her form of escape, but escape was the only way she knew how to deal before Carmen came, and without Carmen, it was the only way she was going to deal.

But a beautiful voice, rich with life and vibrance, echoey like the wind, a beautiful voice like Carmen's called out to her, "Shane, baby, come say goodbye to me."

Drawn by the voice, against her will, Shane crawled towards that dreaded hole. Afraid to look in, yet looking in all the same, Shane saw that the coffin was open, Carmen, that beautiful face, glowing like the sun looked at her and smiled, "Shane… I love you. I am going to a better place now. Goodbye my love."

Stunned beyond words, Shane started yelling, "Look! She's not dead, she's not dead!" she looked all around her, her friends, Carmen's family, they were still weeping, solemn, acting like she was dead, but when she looked back into the coffin, Carmen was smiling back at her. "She's not dead." She yelled.

"Shane, she's gone… she's gone… you gotta let her go," Alice tried to hold Shane still, trying to stop her friend from running up to everyone and shaking them.

"She's not, look she's smiling at me… She's not!" She looked into the hole at the coffin again, and sure enough, Carmen was still smiling at her. "You're not dead," she said to Carmen, trying to convince herself that one fact that she knew for sure. Carmen smiled wider, and lifted her hands, "Come Shane, come with me, come with me to where our happiness lie."

Shane smiled, "Yes." Was all she said. Yes, and she jumped, towards the coffin, to be joined eternally in mind, body and spirit with her love. She was falling down the hole…

And she kept on falling…

And falling…

Falling into the darkness of eternity.

That sinking feeling, that falling feeling you got ever so often in your sleep, that falling feeling sank down Shane's heart as she was jolted awake. Her heart raced, a mile a minute, and it pounded so loud she could hear it right by her ear. She orientated herself, and realized that she had fallen asleep on the chair with her head resting on the bed. And as soon as she knew that it was but a dream, she immediately put her hands around Carmen, stroking her cheek, whispering, "I'm not gonna say goodbye to you. I'm not. I refuse to say goodbye to you. You hear me. There's one word I'll say, it's hello. Hello Peach." Shane repeated her words over and over again, as she pressed her lips onto the bandaged temple. "I will not say goodbye." The involuntary tears fell down her cheeks, down onto the flaky skin under her. She didn't bother wiping the tears, hoping that by saying hello over and over again, she would never had to say goodbye.

She couldn't close her eyes, refusing to let sleep creep into her again. She looked everywhere, the respirator, the droplets in the drip monitoring tube, the blinds blocking out the sun. When at last she felt calm enough, she looked back at the sleeping face, and leaned back close, "Peach, please… stop punishing me, I cannot function without you, I cannot live without you." She ran her hands onto Carmen's face, down to her neck, along her shoulders and grasped the hand, "It's been two weeks Carmen, you are healing really nicely, the doc say you are doing really well. So why won't you come awake, why won't you come awake and tell me you love me. If you love me… you will wake up."

No response from the unconscious figure, and Shane gripped the ends of the pillow, trying to stop herself from bawling again. "I'm not gonna say goodbye. I'm not. I refuse to…." She rested her head on Carmen's, forehead to forehead and closed her eyes, trying to block out all her thoughts about life without Carmen. Much as she didn't want to admit it, she missed babying Carmen, missed taking care of her love. She looked towards the blinds again, the rays that escaped through them formed strikes, like the strikes of God's will.

'God, are you punishing her because you are punishing me? Will you be happy if you take me instead? I know I am not worth much, and definitely not as precious as Carmen is. But I am willing to give up my life, if you would give it back to her. Please…'

A slight pressure grasped her hand.

At first, Shane thought she was just imagining things. Slowly, so as not to jinx things, she looked down at her hand.

She wasn't imagining things, the cold gray fingers that she was holding, were grasping hers in return. A weak grasp, but a grasp all the same. The fingers twitched slightly, and Shane couldn't believe her eyes. She looked up at the face of her love, hopeful, hoping that there was another sign.

The eyeballs were rolling under the thin eyelids. Shane leaned in slightly, and whispered, "Carmen, I know you can hear me. I know you can. Please… open your eyes for me. Please… please Carmen… Please…"

Slowly, gradually… The eyelids opened, it snapped shut immediately at the light stinging into the eyes, but a second attempt proved more successful, and finally, when it was fully opened, it turned and looked right into the green orbs staring down at her!

"Oh god, Carm… oh god… Hold on. I go get the doctor!" Shane, flustered at the revalation, jumped up from her chair, not knowing if she should stay or get the doctor.

"Don't… go…" Carmen attempted, her message loud and clear to Shane. Shane sat back down and took her loves hand in both her own. So happy that she wasn't able to speak, she just stared at Carmen, with a small bewildered smile. She don't think she had been so happy in her life, her Carmen had awoken, and looking right into her.

"I… had a… a dream…" Carmen said as she tried to breathe, the simple task of speaking became a burden. Shane put her finger to Carmen's lips and whispered, "Sssh, peach, don't speak, rest… don't speak…"

Carmen shook her head adamantly, "No… no…"She found the energy to tighten her hold on Shane's hand. "I… wan… tell… you my… dream…"

"Okay, okay peach… okay." Shane brought her right hand up and ran it along the cheeks of her love.

"I… dreamt that… I wasss dead… And I… sssaw… my… funer…ral. Mom… maaa… Nanaaa… They… were all… thereee… Bette… Ti…naaa… Kit… Were all there… Youuu… were thereee. You… were very…up… ssset. You… refussse to… beli..eve I… wasss dead. You keep… calling.. to me… I had to… see… you again… had to… tell you… I… love you. I love you, Shane…" Carmen turned as her tears started falling, and continued to talk as Shane wiped the tears away from Carmen's face, ignoring her own. "As…ss… I… wasss.. lowered.. into… the grave… I… sssaw… youuu… jump eeen… after me… I had… to… tell you… to…"

Carmen started to sniffle uncontrollably, and Shane tried to ssh her… "Baby… So'kay… it so'kay… I understand. I had the same dream. Peach… I had the same dream, but it's just a dream. Everything is okay now…"

"Buuut…."

"No buts Peach, you are awake now, and that's all that matters." Shane brought her lips down to Carmen's, careful not to cause any pain to the dry split lips… "I love you."

"I… love youuu too…"

* * *

 _-_  
 _Funeral Sermon adapted from Fr Tommy Lane (Funeral Homilies)_  
 _Poem "She is gone" by Anonymous_


	40. Epilogue

She walked into the living room to a sleeping form on the couch, tired, ill and burdened with labored breathing. As quietly as a mouse, she maneuvered herself around the couch and squatted in from of the angelic face. It was flushed and the lips were pale, and she had to smile with every mucus-induced sniffle that escaped her lover's lips.

"Shane, baby… It's time to take your meds." Carmen said with a slight stroke to the forehead. It was still unnaturally warm, and she ran her hands across the cheeks to the flushed neck to have a better gauge of the temperature.

In a wispy groggy voice, Shane pleaded, "Do I have to? They taste really yucky." That puppy dog expression, that child-like whimper, Carmen couldn't help but let out a chuckle.

Hurt. That was the look on Shane's face. Her lower lip stuck out as far out as it could go and she turned her head away from her unsympathetic girlfriend. Carmen got off the floor and sat down at the edge of the middle cushion, running her hand through her girlfriend's hair as a mother would her child. She leaned down and put her lips at the warm forehead, whispering in her most Shane-like voice, "Peach, you know you have to take the pills, come on."

Shane let out a small moan of protest, hiding her face under her comforter. "I'm not gonna get off the hook with that, am I?" The words came out muffled.

"Nope. It's my turn now." Carmen smiled, lips still pressed on her lover's forehead. "Come on, the pills made me feel horrible and I still took them. These…" Carmen jiggled the little capsules in her hand, "These make you feel better."

"Fine fine…" Shane sighed as she attempted to untangle herself from the bulky comforter and sat up. She drew her hands out from under the covers and accepted the pills and the glass of water Carmen handed to her, grudgingly no doubt. With one quick action, she swallowed the pills and downed the entire glass of water, her face scrunched up with disgust. As soon as she was done, she handed her glass off and slumped back onto the couch.

"Thank you for taking care of me peach." Shane said gratefully as she took a sharp sniff in.

Carmen raised an eyebrow at Shane. She could either make a smart-ass comment, or shower her little puppy with love. She decided to go with the latter, seeing how serious and vulnerable her girlfriend was. "Baby, compared to what you did for me. This is nothing." Carmen leaned down again to place a lingering kiss on Shane's nose, the only place that wasn't as toasty as the rest of the face.

"I really want a kiss now." Shane sighed.

"That can be arranged." Carmen chirped, much happy to oblige. The sick one however, raised her hand to block the kiss. "Don't, I don't want you to get sick."

Carmen pried the hand away and tried to go in for another kiss, but Shane's other hand immediately wedged between them. "I'm serious, Carm… I cannot bear if you get sick again. If…" Shane shook her head hard, as if trying to get that worst fear out of her head.

"Stop." Carmen said, cutting Shane off in mid-sentence. "Just stop. I'm fine now. Doctor Washey gave me a clean bill of health two years ago." She leaned forward, her lips inches away from her girlfriend's, "And I haven't had so much of a cold the past two years." Softly, she met the warm lips beneath her. "And now… I really wanna kiss you too." She kissed Shane, softly at first, but soft gave way to urgent as she urged the lips apart, running her tongue on the edge of the lips, then inside, seeking and finding that other tongue, asking for a dance, and claiming it with all the vigor. A deep soundless moan vibrated in Shane throat as she savored her lover's lips feverously, leaning up as she tried to gain control of that dance of their tongues. Carmen pressed down, the control felt too good to relinquish. Before she could bring it one step further, before Shane could think about protesting, the phone rang. Carmen ended the kiss reluctantly with one last peck on the lips before reaching over to answer the phone.

"Momma, Estas bien? Uhuh… Shane is still sick. She is such a baby." Shane pinched her on the waist when she heard that, and Carmen gave up a small yelp, turning around and grinning at her girlfriend, before leaning in Shane's embrace, "Uhuh… no… not today. Yes, okay… Love ya Mamita. Bye."

As soon as she hanged up the phone, Carmen immediately rested her head onto her girlfriend's chest. Her hands encircling Shane over the comforter. "Peach, what did your mother say?"

Carmen drew circles on the arms that held her dreamily, "Huh? Oh… momma wanted us to come home for dinner 'cause Anna had returned from Yale, but I turned her down."

"What! Carmen, you could have gone, you didn't have to turn it down because of me."

", baby… Who is going to take care of you if I go?" Carmen pretended to coo. She turned and kissed Shane on the neck, "It's okay… She asked if Friday is good instead, and I told her yes."

"Friday huh."

"Yeap… Dinner with the Morales family on Friday, you think you can handle that, my little puppy?"

* * *

 _"So Shane! You play ball?"_

"Er… No."

"You like cars?"

"Er… I like them, but I don't know much about them."

"Okay… Erm…"

Carmen laughed at her brother's pathetic attempt to try to engage Shane in conversation, and Shane's apparent lack of common interest with him. "Hermano, Shane isn't one of the boys…" She informed her brother with a laugh.

"Damn, all that hope about tormenting Carmen's boyfriends since she was born. All down the drain." Ricky joked. Immediately, he turned to Shane, unsure if Shane would have taken his comment the wrong way, "No offense. Erm… I mean…"

"It's okay…" Shane smiled at the flustered older brother. "I would be pissed too, the prospect of scaring the daylights out of another boy is just too good…"

"Exactly!" Ricardo exclaimed, beginning to realize that Shane may not be one of the boys, but she could at least understand where he was coming from. They started to talk about nothing, the conversation opening up easily. Carmen just sat back and enjoyed the banter between her brothers and Shane. Occasionally snaking her fingers into Shane's to reassure her that everything would be okay. Her brothers were the easy part. Anna and her Papito wouldn't be as easy to please.

She felt Shane's hand tensed up against her own, because right at that moment, Anna and the older Mr. Morales walked into the backyard together. She studied them, looking for signs that betrayed their feelings, and so far, she got a positive feel. Her papito were easier on his smiles, though he still avoided looking at Shane directly. Carmen knew that it took time, and Carmen knew that as long as they could sit together and have a meal, she knew that her papito was making an effort.

Anna, the biggest problem from the beginning, seemed to be adjusting better than her father, at least tried to engage Shane in a conversation. Carmen knew that while she was unconscious, Shane and Anna spoke a couple of times, nothing really extensive. At least it was a good sign, wasn't it?

She looked over to Anna and Shane, sitting opposite each other, and had to laugh because Anna was going through the same process that Ricky had earlier.

"So… erm… I guess you are not into the extremely girlie stuff huh?"

"Not really, I appreciate them, and have to keep up with the fashion trends because of work, but other than that… not really."

"Oh erm… okay…"

Carmen decided to save both her sister and Shane from the impending embarrassment that was coming and steered the topic to one that she knew both her sister and her girlfriend could relate to. "Shane just finished reading a book by McGraw. After I told her that you were obsessed with that author. Didn't you baby?"

"Oh really!" Anna perked up, anything about books were close to her heart. "Which one was it?"

"Oh, The Cat saves the Day. I loved it." And so the easy discussion on why the book was a masterpiece began. For once in her life, Carmen found hope, and felt that maybe, just maybe, her family and her love can co-exist in peace. That maybe she can finally let go of all the burden she had carried on her shoulders for all these years.

"So who wants more rice?" Mercedes hollered.

* * *

"I can handle it as well as the last time I went, and the one before that, and the one before that one."

Carmen had to giggle at Shane's sarcasm, she turned and snuggled her face into the comforter, between the two small bumps on Shane's chest. "Oh, and Peach?" Shane called out.

"Yeah?" Carmen lifted her head up to look at Shane, slightly alarmed that Shane had a serious face.

"Please stop calling me your little puppy."

"Hey, you call me Peach, I call you my little puppy, nothing wrong with that."

"But I like calling you Peach."

"That's 'cause you like Peaches, admit it!" Carmen countered teasingly; she placed a chaste kiss onto Shane's lips before resuming her position on Shane's chest. "Besides, you are my sick little puppy. Especially that puppy dog look you give when you want me to kiss you, and that puppy dog pout when you don't get what you want."

"Oh… so now I am this meek little puppy when I want to kiss you ey?" Shane lifted an eyebrow at Carmen, suddenly, she sat right up and pinned Carmen beneath her, the tables turned. "How 'bout the times I am the ferocious beast wanting to devour you." She grabbed Carmen's left breast roughly, her strength miraculously reappeared. "And how 'bout the times I totally fucked your brains out, not a sick puppy then, am I?" Shane smirked evilly as she was rewarded a groan on Carmen's part, the curvaceous body arching up, aching for more contact. Shane hovered over Carmen, trying to assert herself as a predator, instead of the sick little puppy that Carmen had said. However, she must have swallowed down the windpipe, because she started coughing uncontrollably, and instantly she had returned to weak sickly self.

Without missing a beat, Carmen held onto Shane and ran her palm down Shane's chest, trying as best to relieve as much of the aggravation as possible. When at last the coughing subsided, Carmen pushed softly on Shane's shoulder, guiding her back to her original position, lying down and under the warm comforter.

Shane slapped her hand over her mouth and mumbled, "I think I am gonna throw up."

"Poor baby…" Carmen offered a sympathetic smile.

"Arrgh."

"Are you comfy, hun?"

"I'll be more comfy if you would lie here with me." Shane showed Carmen her puppy dog look again, limply taking Carmen's hand and tugged it lightly, her little way of emphasizing her need, knowing precisely how to get exactly what she want. Carmen looked at Shane, brows knotted into one. She stole a glance towards her studio and Shane knew exactly what Carmen was thinking, that she had a deadline to meet and wanted to start work for the new track she was producing. Shane figured that she was entitled to having Carmen for herself, her triumph card being that she was sick. "Pleassee." She said as she tugged at Carmen's hand again.

Carmen did exactly what Shane had predicted she would do, she threw the comforter up and climbed into the couch behind Shane and spooned her. She pressed her lips onto Shane's warm nape while using the back of her hand and ran it down Shane's lower arm. Shane caught her hand in her own and intertwined their fingers together, before bringing her fingers up to her lips.

"I love you Peach. I am the luckiest person in the world."

"No I am. Without you, I wouldn't be here today. Without you I would never had survived."

"Don't." Shane said as she tugged on the hand she was holding. "Don't ever say that again." She pulled slightly on the ring finger where a simple platinum band laid. Placing her lips at on the ring, Shane continued to say, "I am the luckiest person in the world because you are wearing my ring."

* * *

 _"Be careful, peach…"_

With slow steps, Carmen made her way weakly into the house, the first time she set foot into the house since they left for that unfortunate dinner at the Morales house.

"It feels so good to be home." Carmen sighed, making her way to the couch, she couldn't sit down properly, couldn't put stress on her back, but it really did felt good to be in a place she felt so safe and familiar in.

"It makes me so happy that you are home." Shane knelt in front of Carmen, holding both the Latina's hands in her own. "Welcome home, my love."

"I'm home… I'm home." Carmen repeated, drawing Shane into her arms. Loving, needing the feel of her love after that lonely time in the hospital. "I'm home. Baby."

Shane grinned up to her love, staring at her deep in her eyes."Carmen, remember before all that happened? You were playing a game with me? You were supposed to find eight roses?"

"Oh yeah. Shit. I forgot about that. I'm sorry." Carmen said, holding her hand up and cradling Shane's cheek.

Shane shook her head no. "I shouldn't have got carried away, I should have place this ring in your finger right when I asked you to be mine."

Carmen's heart skipped a beat. "What ring?"

"This ring."

Shane pulled out the blue velvet box she kept in her blazer pocket. Carmen drew a hand up and covered her mouth that hung open as Shane pulled a platinum band out of the cushion. It was simple, with one small diamond wedged in the center.

Shane took Carmen's left hand lightly, her thumb ran along the ring finger, as if asking for permission to place the ring on it. All the while, their eyes locked together. As soon as Carmen got over her initial shock, she nodded with a huge smile and looked down as Shane slipped the band into her ring finger. Shane twisted it on the finger slightly, making sure that it was fitted right. Once she was satisfied, brought the finger up to her lips and worshipped the ring.

Carmen sat in silence for a long time, just staring admiringly at the ring, and the beautiful face gleaming with love in front of her. When speech finally returned to Carmen's lips, she asked, "Is this the 8th rose that you wanted me to find?"

Shane grinned, her signature grin that Carmen loved, "No. You will still have to look for it." Carmen leaned forward and put her lips on the corner of Shane's mouth. "I wanna look for it now."

"You wanna rest instead, you can look for it when you feel better."

"I wanna look for it now babe." Carmen said adamantly as she stood up. "Do I get a hint where it is?"

With one hand holding Carmen still, and another turning her around to face her, looking in her eye, Shane recited, in a low rasping voice, "Tonight, I will be yours, tonight, you will be mine. Tonight, you in a white dress, me in a nice suit. Tonight, we will commit."

Carmen kissed Shane. She kissed her with her lips, her hands, her head, her heart. "I love you."

The tall lanky girl had just poured her entire heart out to the woman she loved, and she had got all the positive response that she could have hoped for. She grinned from ear to ear, like a child praised by her parent, doing the best job she can to milk all the rewards. When Carmen pulls away from the kiss, she leans in the claim the lips, not yet satisfied with that short dance of the lips.

"Shane…" Carmen said when she comes up for breath, "Shane…" with a groan. Right as Shane registered the groan, she stopped the kiss worriedly, "Baby, did I hurt you?"

"No… You didn't. I just keep thinking about that last rose." A slight blush made its way onto Shane's cheeks."Come. I think I know where it is."

Carmen had been thinking about it. "Tonight, you in a white dress." Shane said, and she had a feeling that the last rose is the dress. She led Shane by the hand towards their room, walking straight up towards their closet.

Before she opened it, Shane tugged at her hand, "Err, peach? The rose is withered, and erm… the wrapping is screwed up." Carmen just smiled at her girlfriend before turning to open the closet. The screwed up wrapping did not mean a thing, the withered rose was more symbolic then aesthetic. Carmen didn't care. Carmen was only interested in the dress Shane had picked for her.

Her eyes immediately found it. At the corner of the closet, a box with torn wrapping paper stood alone from all the racks of clothes. She pulled it out eagerly and threw the lid off.

The white simple dress.

Simple, but yet so elegant, and sweet. And so very beautiful.

"I want to put it on Shane."

Easily, with long fluid movements, Shane helped Carmen out of her track pants and tee, and pulled the dress over her lover's head. The moment the zip was secured, Shane took a step back and glazed her eyes over the most beautiful woman in the world.

"Angel."

"What?"

"You look just like an angel."

A blush made its way onto the brown cheeks, and the corners of the mouth tugged upwards. She tried to hide her embarrassment by looking down at her finger, a new ring sat snuggly on it, and her heart filled up with indescribable emotions.

"I have your ring, and I am wearing your dress." Shyly, the words came out. "I am yours, mind, body and soul. I love you."

Shane took a step forward and wrapped her arms around her love. "I love you Carmen, and I will love you forever."

* * *

"So do you love me, Carm?" Shane asked, tugging her girlfriends hand under her head and snuggled onto it.

"I love you, Shane." Carmen kissed the nape of Shane's neck. "You big ol' lez."

"What…" Shane protested. Carmen laughed as she pulled Shane closer to her, closing her eyes. They laid blissfully in comfortable silence. And Shane's eyelids started to fall heavily.

Suddenly, her eyes flew open and she turned and came face to face with her girlfriend. "Babe."

"Yeah?" Carmen said, her turn to be ladled with sleep.

"It's… our anniversary this Sunday."

"Mmm…" Carmen said, half-asleep. "We are going to Palisades this weekend, remember?"

"Ahuh… But… what if I don't get well before that?"

"You will, baby. You will." Carmen whispered reassuringly, fully awake now.

"I'm sorry if I spoiled everything."

"Hey my little puppy, there is no celebration without you. There is nothing to be sorry about." Carmen planted a wet sloppy one on Shane's lips. "Besides, everyone would have a good time at the beach whether we are there or not."

"… Wait." Shane said, scooting up a little. "Everyone?"

"Oops."

"What?"

"Nuth'in, nuth'in…" Carmen stuck out her tongue.

"Peach." Shane warned, jabbing her fingers into Carmen's sides, causing Carmen to wiggle uncontrollably, laughing and begging for mercy.

"Okay okay… It's a surprise for you. The gang is going to be there to celebrate for us."

"Celebrate for us? Why would we need them, when we have each other… and the bed."

"Not so sick now huh, puppy?" Carmen grinned at what Shane was implying, "Well, Bette and Tina, Alice and Dana, Jenny and her new girlfriend Claudia, Kit and Angus… they all have their own rooms."

"Aaah… Holiday for us, holiday for them?"

"Yeap. I want the world to know of this beautiful place. I want them to share my love, our love. I want our friends to come to the place that we have promised to visit after I got well." Carmen leaned her forehead on Shane's and stared into her eyes. Shane ran her fingers through Carmen's fully-grown hair, and loved the feel of it on her hands. She twitched a couple of strands in her hand, "I think I am going to dye your hair a lighter shade the next time."

"You like playing with my hair…" Carmen teased.

"I do… I want to make up for all that time that I couldn't play with your hair."

"I thought you loved me when I was bald."

"I do Peach. I love you, even if you are bald, even if you are old and wrinkly." Shane teased back.

"Oh yeah? I don't know if I would love you if you are old and wrinkly."

Shane pouted, her puppy dog eyes gleaming with hurt. Ultra sensitive because she was sick. She pulled her hand away from Carmen's locks and turned away from her girlfriend. Realizing that she had stepped over the line, Carmen held Shane's face in place, forcing their eyes to lock gaze.

"I love you Shane. I'll love you as long as you will have me. And thank you for everything you did for me."

"I love you too, Peach."

Shane grinned from ear to ear, suddenly she didn't feel so sick anymore. She grabbed her Carmen's hand between her own, and claimed her love's lips to show her appreciation. As she worked her way down to the neck, Carmen tried to say, incoherently as the sensations were clouding her mind, "Shane… oh… Shane… You cannot tell anyone okay… We planned this for a long…" Just then, Shane pinched her nipple and she moaned, whatever she was saying was long forgotten.

Shane lowered her head down onto Carmen's chest, but as she did that, she swallowed and her saliva went down the wrong pipe again, and she started to cough profusely. The coughing reminded Shane that she was sick, and weakly, she laid back down onto the couch, with Carmen rubbing her chest soothingly. "Baby… You have to take it easy." Carmen stroked her cheeks lovingly before making a move to stand.

"Where're you going?"

"To get you a glass of water."

"Stay here with me…" Right after saying that, Shane started coughing again.

Carmen gave Shane a look, her eyebrow raised, when Shane didn't stop coughing, she sat back down and patted her back, knowing there was nothing much she could do to help her baby.

Shane grabbed her girlfriend by the waist and hugged her close, resting her head on her shoulder as she continued to clear her throat. After a long while, Shane finally whispered, "I'm the luckiest person in the world. So lucky to have you by my side, so lucky that you are my life partner. So lucky that you are here to take care of me." She lifted Carmen's fingers to her lips, kissing the ring she had put onto the finger a year earlier. "I love you so much."

"Shane. I AM the luckiest person, I would have never survived without you by my side. I love you."

And they both know that it was the first of the rest of their lives.


End file.
